"Me?", asks Alec and breathes a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

"I can't go on as before"

"Alec", I whimper. But I can't get any further. He puts a finger to my lips and looks at me intently.

"You trample on my feelings as you please. You don't seem to care how I feel about it. You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone with me. I, on the other hand, played with open cards from the start and signals to you that I am ready to fight for this marriage. To fight us. I love you so much. My heart wants to stay with you. You are one of the most important people in my life. If you don't care about your behavior want to change, I can't take it any longer, baby. I'm not half as strong as I might seem to you."

"So I screwed it up", I say sobbing. Is it over before it really started? No. That's not it. Because we are in the middle of what is called chaos. And I am responsible for it. The past few months with Alec have been beautiful and wonderful. Again and again he surprised me with little things and the wall of ice that surrounded my frozen heart began to melt. Slowly, but with never-ending patience, his love and warmth penetrated the icy armor and made my heart beat in time with his.

"Magnus, you left me alone over the holidays. I've asked you so many times to stay here. I understand that you need this ritual with Ragnor. Only I would have expected that you would at least ask me if I would like to come with you. I don't know if I would have agreed to that. Probably. But that's not the point. You were only thinking of you. You didn't care what I want. The gesture counts", says Alec.

"You screwed it up. But tell me a Magnus Lightwood. Are you really ready for it? For us? Without a back door through which you disappear when it gets difficult?", Alec asks me with a seriousness in his voice that leaves no room for doubt.

Here and now the decision is made to live with or without Alec.

"Ready when you are", I say. Alec's facial features instantly transform from tense anticipation into a happy smile. He's smiling all over his face and his facial expressions speak volumes. How long he has been carrying these feelings around with him, I can only guess. Hearing these words from me now obviously resolves all concerns and a common future into infinity seems within reach. And yet a dark shadow flits across the radiant face and the excited sparkle in Alec's blue eyes disappears. A last bit of doubt remains. I can see it very clearly.

Alec takes my hands in his and immediately my skin starts tingling as the tips of his thumbs brush the back of my hand. He tenderly paints small circles and when I briefly look away from him and look at our hands, he increases the pressure and thus signals to me that I should look at him. A burning desire to kiss Alec is triggered by this impulse and I swallow dry. The look in his eyes has changed. I can not describe it. He fights with himself and the feelings that our conversation triggers. He's still mad at me. But he's also full of love.

"When you told me yesterday that you didn't know when you would come home, I was so madly angry. I had to pull myself together and take several deep breaths to avoid throwing all the insults I know at your head. But still bigger than the anger was the disappointment. Your once again selfish behavior has exceeded a limit and my patience is really at the end. If you hadn't come home, I would have left. I can no longer do this. The constant rejection when it comes to it to make something solid out of the loose. You're scared. I understand. And it's okay. It's like me. But baby, we already live like a real couple. We're even married. Unintentionally, but married. And I don't want to miss it anymore. You have my heart in your hand, Magnus. You should know that I have concerns about whether you will think about it tomorrow as you do today."

"I will. I do. I want to be with you", I say and new tears gather in my eyes. I can't hold her back. As hard as I try, more and more thick drops leave my eyes and leave a trail of moisture from my cheekbones down to my chin. Glittering teardrop-shaped structures burst on our hands. Alec releases his grip and takes my face between his hands. He looks at me urgently and the next words so beautifully formed from his mouth with the sensual lips make me sob loudly and my control is finally over.

#"I love you", Alec breathes and his lips touch the tip of my nose very gently. They gently brush my crying face and Alec kisses down the trail of tears to my lips. Every touch triggers a pleasant shiver and the loud pounding of my heart is once again the only melody around us. I longingly receive the sweet sin and the tingling in the nerve endings of my fingertips has never been as strong as it is now. Alec's lips lie soft and warm on mine and instantly I have goose bumps all over my body. I missed the sweetness of his lips so much. The aroma of mint and alec mixes with the salt of my tears.

We've kissed a lot and often. And yet this kiss is nothing compared to any other before. Carefully groping his lips slide over mine and my body immediately falls into a rigidity. Just don't move so as not to interrupt the sensual kiss, which is characterized by love and deepest affection. I feel like a teenager on his first erotic adventure. Comfortable warmth spreads inside me and an army of butterflies beat with their silky soft wings against my stomach wall. Euphoria and ecstasy are not in the foreground. Instead, I enjoy this moment and wish it never passed. It's our first kiss as a permanent couple. I kiss my husband and if I should describe how it feels, I couldn't. Because this feeling is indescribable. Compared to our first kiss in Central Park, which was an explosion of tastes and sensations, this one is gentle and pure. Love. Pure love and the knowledge that no matter what, Alec and Magnus are one whole.