"Okay. Good. I won't say anything more", I hear Jace say. I quickly wipe my face with the palms of my hands and try to chase away as much of the treacherous tears as possible. Jace doesn't need to see that I was crying.

"I am just worried." He just can't stop.

"You can't just let it go, can you?", asks Alec.

"Just sex. Without feelings. It's not you Alec. If you love, then with all your heart and soul. Magnus is such an idiot. He doesn't even know what he's got about you."

"Yes Magnus is an idiot. Sometimes. But he's my idiot", replies Alec and that is my cue to put an end to this conversation. Should you carry it on when I am not present.

"And he's not always like that", Alec says more quietly and looks in the direction of the door. I am leaning against the frame with my arms crossed. His penetrating gaze immediately captivates me and the glitter of surprise with the sparkle of joy sends a shiver down my spine. My heart makes a joyful hop as a small, fine smile forms around the corners of his mouth.

"Of course I'm disappointed that he left me alone for the holidays. And I'm still angry that he wrote me this very strange message while drunk ..."

"Which message?," interrupts Jace Alec's flow and gets a dirty look. But only briefly and immediately does his attention return to me.

"I've been waiting for so long. And I hope it was worth the wait", Alec pats Jace on the shoulder and walks towards me. My heart is racing and I'm sure Alec can hear the loud pounding inside me. He stops a few inches in front of me and I swallow dry. His hand rests on my hip and I breathe out noisily.

"Hi", he whispers.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to listen", I say softly. And yet I did it. Again.

"Hmmm. How long have you been standing there?" Truth or lie? I choose the truth.

"Harder", I answer and get a mischievous smile.

"That sounds great from your mouth", Alec breathes and all the hairs on my body stand up. Because to Alec's breathy words with this deep erotic voice come his fingers that slide under the hem of my sweater. The wisps of mist are already gathering and preparing for their journey to my mind. But before the veil of pleasure can lay over me like a fleeting cloud, Alec withdraws and the flames of pleasure die out in his eyes. What remains is the question of the unspoken of the last few days.

"Can we talk?", I ask and Alec nods.

"That is probably my cue then", says Jace and scurries past us quickly.

"Call me little brother. Bye Magnus", I hear Jace calling as he rushes down the stairs. Alec and I just stand there and look into each other's eyes. Only when the slamming of the front door signals that Jace has left and we are alone do I lose my eyes and can hardly believe what I see.

In the place where the bookshelf, which I put together more or less well, was, a wooden beauty shines in all its glory. Alec must have spent the last few days building a new bookcase. To me. And it's beautiful. Dark mahogany-colored wood, color-coordinated with the desk, a wall of books extends over the entire length of the room. Individual shelves separated by supporting walls, clad with a simple straightforward but beautiful carving. Below the top there is a stucco inlay with floral blossoms. The attachment is also artfully decorated, the edges and different levels stylishly highlighted. Brass-colored fittings and in the lower area drawers with beautiful brass-colored handles. In front of me is a dream made of wood and a work of art of the carpentry trade.

My chest contracts painfully. Alec is so kind and attentive, even building a new shelf so that I can finally master the chaos of books in my office. And I have nothing better to do than imagine he's fucking a strange guy in our house. I am such an idiot.

"It's beautiful Alec", I say softly and run my fingertips reverently over the smooth, dark wood.

"I wanted to surprise you", he says and I hear him behind me as he stows the various tools back in their place in the gray tool case.

"Have you been building this in the last few days?", I ask interested and let my gaze slide over and over again over the beautiful inlays.

"No. I've been working on it for a long time. The individual parts were stored in my uncle's workshop and there I also did the turning work. Jace only helped me with the assembly and the fine-tuning."

"That's ..." I swallow dryly. I'm lost for words.

"Your Christmas present", I hear Alec say. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. That's incredible. He is unbelievable. And I behaved like the last giant ass on earth.

"It's beautiful. And I thank you very much. I also have something for you. But that can't keep up with this by far."

"Let me shower. And then we'll meet downstairs to talk", says Alec, sounding as calm and cool as if we were talking about the shopping list.

"OK." I don't look back, but leave my office almost in a hurry and plunge straight down the stairs into the small bathroom. Gasping for breath, I propped myself up on the sink and claw my fingers into the cold, smooth ceramic. Stop is what I need right now. Because the ground under my feet feels like I'm standing on wobbly fence posts and there's nothing below me but endless emptiness. I am afraid of this conversation. Because I'm not sure if Alec still wants me. His words were clear. The limit of his patience has been reached. I look in the mirror and see a young man with brown eyes, skin kissed by the sun and hair black as night. My reflection smiles at me and gives me strength to take this step. It is the first time in my life that I let my partner get so close to me. That there is more than just sex and the familiarity of the other person. It is love that I feel for another man and I very much hope that this man does not break my heart.

The steady rush of the shower penetrates the walls muffled. Now I'm sitting on the sofa, kneading my hands from nervousness. The little box with the present for Alec is on the table in front of me. A silent memorial not to back down. To be brave and to take the plunge into the deep end.

"Where are you with your thoughts again?" Suddenly the voice of Alec next to me sounds and I flinch, startled. He shows up completely unexpectedly and triggers my heart to stumble. I can just suppress a scream as shrill as the owl boy on its flight begging for food. Startled, I claw my hand into the warm, fluffy fabric of my sweater.

"Still that scary?" Alec whispers and pulls the corners of his mouth into a malicious grin.

My heart beats until it stops and threatens to jump out of my chest. Fuck. Alec's hair is still damp and strands are hanging in his face. My fingertips immediately start to tingle and I hurriedly rub them together to resist the urge to grab Alec's hair.

"What do you always have to sneak up on? You're like a cat. Or rather a hangover", I say and Alec raises an eyebrow. Damn it, I absolutely love it when he does that. And Alec knows that.

"A hangover? Me?", he asks skeptically.

"Yes. You. A big cat with silky black fur and shining eyes. You always appear behind me when I'm not expecting it. And every time my heart slips into my pants. Like a cat that turns around silently snakes your legs and one wonders where it suddenly came from. The place was just empty and a blink of an eye later a ball of fur is sitting on your lap."

"I'm not a hangover", Alec replies coolly and crosses his arms over his chest. Why? Why in this shitty shitty world can't Alec get dressed? At least something that distracts from his athletic body. I'm sure he does that on purpose. It's December. It's freezing cold outside and a look into the garden shows me that it will stay that way for a while. Thick flakes dance in front of the window. They fall quietly and silently to the ground. A white carpet spreads out leisurely and with the sun's rays of the day comes the wondrous glitter that transforms this unique natural spectacle into something mystical. Alec is sitting next to me on the sofa and is wearing dark blue sweatpants that I know show off his firm bottom very well. The black tank top is more decorative than fabric on his body. I can clearly see the insertion of his chest muscles and lick my dry lips. Inevitably I have the taste of Alec's sex-soaked skin on my lips and feel his strong arms holding me.

"Magnus", Alec says sternly and I wake up from my daydream of Alec and me on a ride on the path towards Hell.

"You stare." Fuck. It shouldn't work that way. It can no longer work like this. Every time I see Alec, my head switches off and clear images gather where the box for rational thinking would otherwise be.

"You wanted to talk. So talk", he says coolly.

"Suddenly I don't know what to say anymore", I answer quietly and with my head bowed. I hear Alec puff and shake my head slightly. Dare Magnus. Be brave. Have faith.

"I can no longer deny that there is more between us than just sex and a satisfying adventure. You are constantly on my mind and I often catch myself being jealous. Of the boy in the bakery who always has a hearty eye on you and you give him your charming smile. Or the other day the chick in Hunters Moon who turned on you so shamelessly and wanted your number. And I know that you are not into women at all. And yet my blood was boiling and I would have you Preferably moved to the next corner. Just to show her that you are my man. And then the fear came." Sighing, I pause and still look at my knotted fingers.

"Along with doubts. I have doubts Alec. That I will disappoint you and you will leave me. But even greater is the fear of giving you my trust, my life, and then being disappointed by you. I have never been so close to anyone let me approach for fear of being hurt and disappointed. To give my unconditional love to a man who then leaves me in a heap of sorrow and grief. Ragnor asked me if I want that. To be alone in old age. And believe me that's one of the things I don't want at all. Gay and alone, with a dog and twelve cats." I'm talking about my head and neck. They are sentences that just gush out of my mouth. The source sits deep inside me and I just let it happen. Should he think I'm crazy? But I have to get rid of all of this now.

"Since our phone call yesterday I've been wondering if you're mad at me. And of course you are. I know it. And I hate it. I hate myself for it. You have every reason to be mad at me. So often have I pushed you away and more often my behavior was just childish and idiotic. I'm sorry Alec. I can understand if you want to draw a line here and now. Because I don't deserve it any other way and I sound like a whiny bitch and so am I", I say breathlessly and with tears. When exactly I started crying, I don't know. It's all suddenly too much. Alec caresses my cheek tenderly and puts two fingers under my chin. He forces me to look at him and when I look into his bright blue eyes, all dams break and I gasp for breath, sobbing.

"Tell me what you want", asks Alec and I don't have to think twice. The answer is right in front of me. I just have to grab it.

"You", I whisper.