'I don't know if I can do this any longer.'

Alec's words penetrate my ear like cotton wool. It runs down my spine as freezing as this meaningful sentence scurries through my mind over and over again. And I feel like I'm losing the ground under my feet. A thousand questions arise and one is so present that I don't dare to speak it out loud. Because then it becomes reality. And as mentioned earlier, reality also brings pain. Still, I can't get it out of my head. 'Will Alec still be there when I get home?' I don't even want to know the answer. I am afraid of it.

"I am sorry", I whisper.

"You are always sorry. And right now I can no longer hear it. Everything that concerns us is natural for you. I am natural. You let me sit here alone at Christmas and assume that it is okay. That you will afterwards come home and we'll pick up where we left off. But that's not how it works Magnus", says Alec angrily. I have seldom seen him like this.

"Come home or leave it. But don't expect me to pretend nothing happened." With these words, Alec ends the conversation without saying goodbye or even waiting for what I have to say. It hurts terribly and I can't prevent thick hot tears from rolling out of my eyes and covering the protective blanket around my body with circular wet spots. Without further ado, I grab the blanket and wrap it tightly around my trembling body. I'm freezing cold. I cry and sob. Inevitably, my mind wanders to life without Alec. I don't want that. I would not stand that. At some point I fall asleep with tears and my last thought is with my husband and that I will go home the next day.

Ragnor was less than thrilled when I told him at breakfast this morning that I was going back to New York. He tried to persuade me to stay, but my mind was made up. Alec's words, anger, and frustration took a huge toll on me. The night was restless and I dreamed that Alec and I were having a gigantic argument. Dark clouds gathered over our heads and bright lightning crashed down on us. They lit up Alec's face, twisted with anger and sadness. The shadows formed a mask and made him appear so different. Menacing and yet so beautiful. Opaque mist billowed around our legs and the acrid stench of disappointment and guilt hung in the air. With a strength and determination rarely seen, he towered over me and his eyes glowed fiery red with anger. Alec let all of his frustration and suppressed feelings out unfiltered and I felt the relentless honesty.

I woke up screaming in the middle of the night and sat bolt upright in bed. It was pitch black and I was breathing frantically with the pictures of Alec and our argument in my head. I was bathed soaked in sweat and my skin was sticking uncomfortably to the ceiling, which was still wrapped tightly around my body. After a refreshing shower, I tossed and turned restlessly for the rest of the night. Sleep was hardly to be thought of and so I said goodbye to Ragnor early and made him promise not to fall into tribulation and to enjoy the beauties of the place. Something is different. I notice that as soon as I open the door of my house and step into the hallway. Strange noises and deep voices greet me. A long groan followed by a throaty groan sends goose bumps over my entire body. Alec.

I quietly pull the parka off my shoulders and loosen Alec's wonderfully soft and extremely warming scarf around my neck and hang both on the hook next to Alec's wool coat. My fingers brush the black fabric of curled wool and this makes the nerve endings in my fingertips tingle. I put my boots next to Alec's and see a strange pair of shoes. Men's boots. Dark brown with a raised shaft, rounded boot tip and a wide flat heel. Beautifully crafted leather with color-coordinated decorative stitching and a silver buckle on the upper part of the boot. Reluctantly, I look at the cloakroom and I catch my breath briefly. The boots aren't Alec's style and the coffee-brown hooded parka isn't his either. Alec's throaty voice can be heard again and my legs instinctively carry me through the living room and up the stairs. The old steps don't creak and I'm very glad Alec fixed them. Because this way my Vegas man doesn't hear that I'm on my way to see him and catch the act of fucking a strange guy in our bed. Hot anger accumulates at the thought of Alec with a strange guy in our bed and the pain over this shame spreads rapidly.

"Harder", Alec says and I stop on the top step. My hand clasps the wooden handrail and I gasp in panic to dispel the rising tears. I don't want him to see me cry. That it hits me so deeply and that I just have the feeling that my whole world is about to collapse. I have never in my life believed that Alec would be capable of anything like that. That he replaces me with the first guy who comes across and just drops me like that. Especially today. Especially now that I was about to give him what he had wanted for so long.

And as if that wasn't the worst day of the month by now, I hear Alec's words and I would love to throw up a huge rage of anger on the wood beneath my feet. "Perfect. I already knew why I chose you. You do exactly what I say. Without bitching or arguing." I take a deep breath and my heart is beating hard against my chest. You're not in the bedroom. My office is where it all happens. The blow in the middle of the face couldn't be bigger and now the tears run down my face unhindered. I'm not even trying to stop her. The feeling is far too liberating and yet the pressure on my heart is steadily increasing.

"And that's what you love me for", says the other man. My mind is slow to register the meaning of the words and I quickly cover my mouth with my hand before the sobbing from my throat reaches my husband's ears. I recognize the voice, it's Jace and I feel infinitely stupid. How could I believe Alec was betraying me? He? The most loving man on this planet.

"Sometimes I wonder why", says Alec and his bell-like laugh fills the house with warmth. It's only still cold inside of me.

"And I wonder why you are doing all this for him. He's anything but nice and to be honest he's also quite selfish."

"Jace", Alec says sternly and I know that now is the time to make myself known. But just like when Alec talked to his sister on the phone and I sat paralyzed on the sofa and watched him undress, I stand here as if grown firmly and listen to the conversation between Alec and Jace.

"But that's the way it is. From the beginning you invested more in this marriage than he did. He pushed you away again and again. You told me how nice your first time was and I haven't seen you so happy for a long time. You always have that twinkle in your eyes when you talk about Magnus. The fact that you are hopelessly in love cannot be overlooked. You would have loved to put him on a chain in Vegas." Jace finishes his lecture and if I didn't know that he didn't know about my presence I would claim that the words were addressed to me.

"Are you ready?", Alec asks sternly and I see him right in front of me. He stands with his arms crossed over his chest and glares at Jace angrily. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it will happen that way. Alec's tone is clear.

"Do you see it differently?", asks Jace, shocked.

"I will not discuss my motives with you", Alec replies tersely and I hear steps receding and the sound of metal on metal.

"Alec."

"Take it easy, Jace", screams Alec and I flinch, startled.

"Listen", Alec says more calmly and he sounds incredibly composed with what he is saying.

"Thank you for your help. And I apologize for my emotional outburst. That between Magnus and me is complicated. I've made up my mind for a long time. And Magnus knows that. The cue ball is in his field, it is on Zug. But my patience also has its limits. And this has clearly been reached. That is all I have to say about it. "