The holidays pass like the dark clouds in the winter sky over Blue Heaven. Each of these days follows the same pattern. A series of actions and reactions. We wake up with a headache and a tongue that is heavy from the vodka. A walk after breakfast, which is more like lunch, should dispel the fog and the oppressive feeling. It succeeds until the moment when we reach the lighthouse and look over the roaring sea over to the horizon. Every day Ragnor and I stand on the top of the platform, the green and white lighthouse as cover in the background and the lashing cold deep black sea at our feet. Like every day and so also today. But today was something different.

"I miss her so much", said Ragnor and I returned his words. We both miss them so badly. Especially on days like this. But moping all up is of no use if you are not ready to look ahead. Even if it's just from one day to the next.

"Are you still staying?", Ragnor asked and it took me a moment to think about an answer. I usually drive back to New York a day or two after the holidays. Sometimes Ragnor stays here until the turn of the year or not. The time in Blue Heaven is good for both of us. We need them to let the memories of my mother flow freely. After that, we feel empowered and ready to fight another year without her. But this year is different. Ragnor is different. I feel like he's not really getting any better. But that every day longer here in Blue Heaven tugs at his soul. As if there was an invisible force preventing him from letting go.

"If it's your wish, I'll stay", I said, squeezing his hand tightly. I wanted to stay. But I also wanted to see Alec. I still want it. Alone in the room that is still reserved for me, I think of the past days and their events. My thoughts wander further and further into the past and stop on the day of awakening in Vegas. I close my eyes and let the sensations flow freely through my mind and body. The large bed was wonderfully soft and the pillows smelled of sea and salt with a pinch of sandalwood. Alec. Magnus. The strange body next to me, hair as black as the darkest night and skin as light and pure as the first snow of the year. His blue eyes that sparkled so beautifully, a sea of ​​millions and millions of stars flickered in the irides. My fingertips tingled incessantly at the sight of his hair, rumpled from sleep and the sex of our wedding night. Alec's naked body and the brief loss of my ability to speak and think with the images in my head. I miss him. I miss him.

Alec only called once. After screaming at the sea, the waves and the dark, cloudy sky above me, my tears of despair and sadness mingled with the tears of knowledge, I went back to my friend's house with a heavy heart and my limbs frozen stiff from the cold. Unrestrained heat hit me and I dragged my ice-cold body in front of the fireplace. I lay curled up like a hedgehog and felt a hand in my hair and listened to the whispered words. The smell of fir green and burnt wood gave way to the aroma of lemons and olive trees in all their glory. I opened my eyes and stared into the blazing flames. Glistening bright and fiery, they nourished themselves on the wood strewn with soot and ash.

I wrote Alec a message as cryptic and false as snowfall in August. My alcohol-soaked brain formed letters into words with no meaning or meaning. Instead of a Christmas tree, I sent a palm tree and Santa Claus was a zombie. Super. Alec probably thinks I'm completely insane, freaked out, and insane. Because his answer did not create a happy Christmas mood. 'I guess you wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. And that the zombie forgot to get his Santa Claus outfit from the dry cleaner. '

That was all. I felt so stupid when I saw his message the next morning and would have loved to disappear into the next hole in the ground. The sarcasm in his words dripped from my phone and I just let it go.

'Oh god I'm so sorry Alec. Drinking vodka and then staring into the fire for minutes was probably not a good idea. Yes, I think it should be a Have a nice Christmas message. The zombie was an accident. He was still out of the chat with Andrew by default.'

That message was three days ago and it pains me so badly that Alec didn't reply to me. It's not his style at all. I always got a reply to my messages, no matter how brief they were. I've been pondering for a while whether to call him. Again and again I stroke the display with the thumb of my right hand. My mother's face, beaming with happiness, looks at me, and her eyes sparkle as beautifully as they are, they are also accusatory. I know she would love Alec. He's perfect and every mother-in-law's dream. Not to mention me. Erratic, moody and with a tendency to drama

Fuck, I'm anything but a man's dream or the welcome son-in-law at family celebrations. I am an emotional cripple. As if by themselves, my fingers fly over the brightly lit display and I type a message for Alec. But all the words don't feel right Impersonal message is not what I want. I want to hear his voice. And so I delete the typed words without further ado and dial his number with shaky fingers. The wait and the uncertainty whether Alec will take my call or just ignore me wears me down. My heart beats faster, my hands are shaking slightly.

I'm nervous, very nervous. I close my eyes and exhale noisily as Alec's deep voice reaches my ear. We have never spoken to each other on the phone. It's the first time and his voice on the phone sounds so incredibly sexy that my plan to have a harmless conversation is banned far into the last corner of my mind.

"Magnus", Alec says sternly and I wake up from my stupor and thoughts of phone sex with Alec. Apparently it's not the first time he says my name. At least that's what the tone of his sexy phone voice sounds like.

"Yes hi. It's me, Magnus", I say nervously and clap my forehead with the palm of my hand. Of course I am. My name lit up in bold letters on its display. I feel like a hormone-laden teenager who calls his crush and invites them for an ice cream.

"I have seen that", he answers in an annoyed voice. Am I disrupting? What did he just do? Confused, I look at the hands of the old alarm clock on the bedside table. It is evening. But not so late that Alec would be asleep. Does he have a visitor? Ain't he alone Who is with him? His siblings? A man?

"Do I bother you?", I ask carefully and expect a yes for the answer. My heart contracts at the thought of Alec being with another man.

"No", he answers and I hear the lie in every letter.

"I just wanted to ask how you are", I say and think 'And know if you think of me as I think of you.'

"I am fine." An answer can hardly be more general. "Fine. And your siblings? Did you enjoy the holidays?" Small talk. Not more.

"It was the first year as a married couple and Simon has once again surpassed himself in culinary terms. Everyone sends their regards", he says neutrally. If Alec read me the weather report for the next few days, his tone would be the same. Apparently he didn't miss me.

"That's nice. Really nice", I answer. The resulting pause is overwhelming and loud. I hear Alec breathing and close my eyes. Listen to the sound and imagine how my hand is on his bare chest and the warmth of his skin makes my nerve endings pulsate. Alec's steadfast heartbeat was burned into my mind in no time. I know every inch of his body and right now I miss him so much. How I would love to lie in his arms and just enjoy the silence.

"Was that all Magnus? Or do you want to tell me something else?", asks Alec. He is so different.

"No. Yes ... I mean yes. I just wanted to tell you that Ragnor asked me to stay a few more days. So I won't be home tomorrow. When exactly it will be I don't know yet. But I do ... "

"Take it easy, Magnus. I'm really disappointed. And I don't know what to think of it at the moment. So please do me and you a favor and stop talking", he says and once again I can hear the resignation in his voice.

"I wasn't going to talk myself out of it. Ragnor is not doing so well and of course I'm there for him as a friend. The last few days have not been easy for me either and I'm the only one who understands him." I defend myself.

"And when are you there for me?," asks Alec with a sigh. "Soon."

"When? When, Magnus? It's all about you. It ... I don't know if I can do that any longer."