"Do you want to end up like me Magnus?", asks Ragnor in his soft voice. I know exactly what he means. It is not our first conversation in this direction.

"What? Drunk and bitter?", I answer sarcastically. The look on Ragnor's face makes me swallow hard. He rarely shows this side of his life. He's always the tough lawyer with a fancy office and a huge desk. Lots of clients and one or the other young guy in bed who wakes up after a night of partying with a throbbing skull and aching bum in a big house with an even bigger garden. Mum knew this side and I know it too.

Because Ragnor Fell has been looking for the man of his dreams since he came out. A few relationships and countless adventures later he sits here with sad eyes and a fake smile on his face, trying to understand why I keep pushing Alec away from me. I don't really know anymore myself.

"Old and alone." Is his answer to my question and I just can't get rid of the dull feeling in my stomach area. Sighing, I let my head fall back and feel the hard edge of the sofa crash against my skull. The dull pain is enveloped in the numbing waves of hot fiery vodka in my body. I turn my head to one side and look into the fireplace with the wood covered with soot and ash. The charred wood shimmers blue, in some places silvery-black, and the flames perform a licking, winding dance. They envelop the wood and change its structure piece by piece. Alec did exactly the same. He stepped into my life and little by little it changed. It got better, more fulfilling.

"I can no longer think clearly. As soon as he touches me with his little finger all the fuses in my head blow. Last week we met with his brother at Hunters Moon. As always, Alec sat next to me and stroked his hand my thigh. Or his fingers played with the hair on the back of my neck. I don't talk much at these meetings. Jace and Alec are more than just brothers. They are best friends and would go through fire for each other."

I remember that evening. Alec took a sip of his beer and a white head of foam clung to his upper lip. The glitter of the foam competed against the twinkling of his eyes and the bursting of the bubbles crackled and was unnaturally loud in my ears. I whimpered softly and breathed heavily as the tip of his tongue slid over the curved line of his upper lip and absorbed the foam. Alec increased the pressure on my neck and no sooner had we left the bar than I pulled him into the next dark alley and kissed him with everything I had.

We just made it home but couldn't get into the bedroom. Alec leaned over the dining table and didn't take long to prepare. His hard cock soon replaced his fingers and he thrust my butt deep and hard. I groaned and clenched helplessly into the tabletop. He fucked me hard and fast and as soon as his divine fingers embraced my cock I came loud and Alec thrust so deep into me that I saw stars. The memory of that moment is so vivid, so clear, as if it had just happened.

"Maggie", Ragnor whispers and I shake my head slightly.

"He's always on my mind", I say and a tear leaves my eyes. Wet and warm, it runs down my cheekbones and bursts when it hits my jeans. A small dark spot forms and something inside of me suddenly screams as loud as the seagulls in the storm under the sea of ​​clouds and the song of the wind. I get up heavily and stumble slightly as a strong warm hand holds me and ensures a secure stance.

"Where are you going?", asks Ragnor. I wish it was Alec holding me. I wish it was Alec asking me where I'm going. And emphatically in his voice the same words as I would say at the barbecue in my boss's summer garden. 'Come back.'

"I'm going to scream at the sea. Maybe then my heart will finally calm down", I say, slurping, and pulling out of Ragnor's grip. The sea is wild on this cold Christmas night. It's snowing and the frosty cold, the icy wind blows with all its might and tries to force me and my body to my knees. But not today. Not tonight and the determination in my veins to speak out loud what has not been said before and to give it a shape. The water at my feet seeps through my shoes and soaks the fabric of my jeans. It is incredibly cold and my whole body is shaking and shaking. I prepare myself for what is to come, take a deep breath of the cold sea air. Fill my lungs with so much of the stuff of life and release them with a loud scream and body leaning forward. The wind carries my scream far beyond the sea. It's dark and cold around me. And for the first time I have the strength and the courage to speak out loud what has long been present deep in my consciousness. "I love you Alexander Lightwood."