Arrived in Blue Heaven, our first route leads directly to the center of the small coastal town. Before the mass, which Ragnor attends every Christmas and then spends an evening with the pastor, we visit the handicraft market to get the last gifts or to have a short chat with long-established residents. Even if I am not here often, I know one or two shopkeepers in this special place. Like Lucy and her husband Mike, for example. The two run the small cafe right next to the bookstore. There is the best chocolate cake I have ever eaten and, in addition to coffee as black and strong as the darkest night, there is always a kind word from Lucy and a strong handshake from Mike.

My favorite place is next to the beach with crashing waves, the small bookshop which is run by an older, very friendly lady. Charlotte has felt 135 years on the lifeline and is anything but close to the ballot box with her warm nature and loose sayings. As every year, there is an oversized Christmas tree in the middle of the square. The dense dark green needles of the fir tree are framed by countless lights that shine brightly and gently in the dark night. Large red and gold balls hang next to red bows made of fluffy velvet and red and white striped candy canes. A coherent picture, a symmetry of colors and shapes. The sounds of a Christmas melody penetrate softly and the smell of roasted almonds and hot punch tickles my taste buds. Light snowfall and freezing cold round off the picture of a perfect Christmas Eve. Ragnor walks beside me, babbling. He talks about all sorts of things, but only fragments get to my ear. For dinner, lamb, a new lock installed on the front door, the deli on the corner was closed. I only listen half-heartedly and occasionally growl in agreement. Because my thoughts are with Alec and this morning.

It was the first time in six months that I feared waking up alone. If Alec gets up early and goes to work, I wake up alone. But this time it felt different. After my emotional low last night and the security of his strong arms, I would have been very disappointed if he had not been lying next to me. The sex that followed was phenomenal and the high I was on gigantic as always. Because Alec manages every time that I forget everything around me with a snap of his finger and only want to feel his soft lips on mine and his hard cock inside me.

But a high is always followed by a low. The case comes suddenly, unexpectedly and violently. Nobody is prepared for it. The pain of impact takes your breath away and the bruises are not only visible on your skin, but also on your soul. I've been standing here for a while at a small stand with handmade jewelry. The dark blue velvet lets the silver of the pendants and chains shine. Every year the artist sells his pieces and every time I visit the market I come here and let my eyes wander over the most varied of things. I often buy a ring for Raphael or a little something for Andrew. Except for Ragnor I have no one else to give presents. But this year is different.

This year, when I see the rings, I don't think of Raphael or Andrew when the silver-shining tunnel flashes so seductively at me. I think about Alec and that he never wears jewelry. What a pity. Because these two wide rings made of palladium interspersed with a finely curved line made of beautiful gold would be the perfect wedding rings for Alec and me. My fingertips slowly brush the cold metal. Alec's words, whispered in my ear, flood my mind.

And then my heart begins to sprint and the loud knocking can be heard over the whole market square and the sounds of the silent night. My plan to just disappear that morning was thwarted by Alec and his hands on my body. My departure should be quiet, silent and inevitable. But it turned out differently and the memory of what happened mercilessly catches up with me. I breathe way too fast and my head is projecting images in front of my inner eye. Alec's voice, his silent plea. My rejection and his sadness clouded look. After the lava flow of our lust, the intoxicating exhilaration of ecstasy and the cocktail of happiness and desire left our bodies, Alec still held me in his arms. The fog in my head slowly cleared and Alec suddenly asked me if I really wanted to leave him alone for the holidays. I sighed and withdrew from his embrace. He did not get an answer to his question. Instead, I took a shower in no time and couldn't meet Alec's eyes. The fear to see disappointment and anger in his eyes was too great. I couldn't have borne that.

The water in the shower was still running when I left the bathroom and wrapped my body in warm clothes. I didn't look around, tried to dispel the oppressive feeling in my chest. With every item of clothing I put in my pocket, the knot in my stomach tightened and hot adrenaline rushed into my heart. At some point, and I can no longer say whether it was minutes or hours, I felt Alec's warm hand on my neck. I closed my eyes and inhaled the familiar smell of sea, salt, and alec. His thumb gently slid over my neck vertebrae and when the tip touched the fine hairs, I moaned softly. Goosebumps developed, I suddenly got hot and I knew that Alec awakened a long-forgotten feeling in me. Brother Doubt crept quietly up from behind. Alec asked me several times to spend the holidays with him. But I wasn't willing to agree.

Every year I go to Blue Heaven with Ragnor and every year we get drunk to the point of unconsciousness. So we survive the anniversary of my mum's death in a state of weightlessness soaked in alcohol.

"How can I change your mind?", Alec whispered in my ear and I leaned my upper body back slightly. His warmth and strong chest received me, gave me support and wrapped me in security. His hand slowly brushed my side and stomach. Sighing loudly, I replied: "Not at all."

And as quickly as Alec's body gave me warmth and security, cold and miss settled on my mind. Because Alec pulled away from me abruptly and I lost my footing. I stumbled back a step, staggering and flailing my arms, but Alec was there and caught me. He is always here. In moments like these, when I'm about to lose my feet, it's Alec who holds my hand in his or signals with gentle pressure on my back that I'm not alone. In the last few days Alec had asked me several times to take him to the cute country hotel. Simon works over the holidays and Izzy will be pampered in the spa area. We could have food delivered to our room and spend all day in bed. Or go for a hike through the adjoining small forest, which at this time of year covered with masses of snow looked like an enchanted fairytale forest. However, I refused each time, leaving Alec with a disappointed expression. It was the same this morning. After Alec prevented my near fall, I turned in his arms and looked again into the open book of his facial expressions. The lips were pressed tightly together and the eyebrows were drawn together thoughtfully. His hands slipped over my arms and found their rest on my hips. I put my hands on his chest and felt the clock of life beat hard and fast.

"We can stay at home here too. I could cook for both of us instead of Simon. However, I would want to fetch the roast venison for you from the hotel kitchen beforehand", said Alec, and my heart skipped joyfully. "You ordered roast venison from Simon especially for me?", I asked incredulously and Alec grinned with that irresistible smile that brought all the synapses in my head to the brink of madness.

"I didn't shoot it myself. But I could if you wish", replied Alec and I swallowed dryly. It's tradition. I promised Ragnor that I would be with him that day. "That's really sweet of you. But I'll go to Blue Heaven with Ragnor", I said curtly and tried to free myself from Alec's grip.

He increased the pressure on my hip and looked at me seriously with his deep blue eyes.

"You're not making it easy for me. I had plans for the next few days. A nice meal just the two of us, a walk in the winter forest and then a cup of hot apple punch and the best gingerbread made from an old family recipe from Granny Lightwood", said Alec.

"It doesn't work. And I don't want this, Alec. Please let me go. We're not a couple", I smashed at his feet. My voice was unnaturally loud. Alec gritted his teeth angrily and pure disappointment lay in his gaze.

"Take the time to figure out what you want, Magnus. It's up to you. My heart and my love are yours. But at some point I won't be there. So don't wait too long, baby", Alec said in a sad, resigned voice and left the bedroom. I called his name and heard the footsteps on the old stairs. They did not lead up, but down and away from me. And with a loud bang the door slammed shut and Alec disappeared into the cold December morning air. Without a word of goodbye. Just like it was my plan. It hurt so much that he would just leave our home like that. And from the moment the door slammed shut, I missed Alec and his presence.