We walk the rest of the way to our home in silence. The cold wind blows through our hair, tousles the structure on Alec's head even more and the little snowflakes dance tirelessly around us. Thick flakes quietly fall from the dark sky and cover the world with its white sheen. I like the snow There is something pure and peaceful about him. As it falls out of the sky, frozen water in the form of stars that promise peace and quiet. Snow falls softly, rain loudly. And it's the silence between Alec and me that weighs tons right now on my shoulders.

"Why do you never talk about your parents?", asks Alec and suddenly it's loud around us. Very loud. Because his voice tears the silence apart and the iron cocoon that protects my broken heart also gets fine cracks.

"Because I do not want", I answer defiantly and continue on my way in silence. I am well aware that I act like a stubborn kid who doesn't get cotton candy when visiting the Central Park Zoo. But right now I couldn't care less. We had a really lovely evening and the memory of such a difficult time in my young life is almost tearing the floor from under my feet. Especially today. At Christmas of all times. It is already a difficult time, because in the next few days the feeling of missing will be infinitely great. Like every year. Every year for almost ten years. Alec says nothing more. He no longer holds my hand either. Instead, he walks a few paces behind me. It feels so wrong All that. Cold and empty. I miss the warmth of his skin and the regular squeezing of my hand to signal that Alec is there for me. That he stands by my side and catches me when I threaten to fall.

I climb the steps to the front door with heavy legs and before I slide the small silver key into the lock, I look over my shoulder and see Alec standing at the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly my heart beats faster, the steady, even throbbing in my chest turns into violent drumming just a fraction of a second later. The blood rushes in my ears and right now I want nothing more than Alec holding my hand. I can barely breathe and a dark premonition creeps quietly out of the darkness to pounce on me with a broad grin.

Alec looks up at me from tired eyes and I hear the voices in his head whispering softly. 'He pushes you away ... every time. You are stupid ... He is erratic ... Drama queen ... He never knows what he wants ... He will hurt you again and again ... He is not good for you ... He is not worth it .. . Go Alec ... Go and don't come back ... You will find a new love ... A better one ... A man who appreciates you ... '

I can see it in his eyes and the thought of having to sleep alone tonight is unbearable.

"I thought the evening with you was very nice, Magnus", says Alec. I nod.

"Yes. I feel the same way", I answer softly and watch with horror how Alec turns and walks away from me with his hands buried deep in his coat pockets. The book is tucked under his arm and the collar of the thick black wool coat tries to keep the icy fingers of winter away from his pure skin. The silhouette of his body is getting smaller and smaller and I am frozen. With one hand on the handle and the other hanging limply on my arm, but constantly trembling with sadness, I watch him go. No. That is not right. Why is he doing this? Where is he going? What have I done?

"Alec", I whisper and know that he can't hear me. My voice is too soft. It's already too far away. A small black point in the dark night. Illuminated by tiny snowflakes that hurt uncomfortably on my skin, which is irritated by the cold. But I hide that. Instead, I greet pain like an old friend and let it take its place in this world surrounded by dark clouds. I don't know how long I'll stand here with my hand on the handle and emptiness in my heart. My fingers are almost numb and bitter pain shoots through every nerve cell in my body. The smooth metal of the door handle is icy and amplifies the cold impulses. My head tries to signal to me that it's enough. Enough of agony, enough of pain. The cold December night eats through my clothes and skin. Penetrates muscles and tendons and lays painfully on every single bone. I am shaking and my teeth are beating in a steady rhythm. The rattling noise mixes with the sounds of the night of a city that is full of life. The siren of an ambulance and the shrill barking of a dog are just as familiar to me as the voice that calls me. She belongs to a man who came into my life like a hurricane. He sparked a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. Long forgotten memories emerged from the deepest corner of my consciousness. They brought pain and grief. But it brought joy and ecstasy.

"Magnus", he says and I can feel his cold fingers on my chin. He turns my head in his direction and I see a shadow of the man who left me here on the icy winter night. I blink and slowly I see more clearly again. Alec stands in front of me and looks at me with concern and a huge question mark over his head. He shakes his head slightly, the snow glistening in his hair. As if by remote control, I raise my hand and slowly slide my fingers through his hair, which is cold and damp from the snow. On this dark cold night, Alec is the brightest star and warmth flows through my body. It spreads like waves and comes to a standstill on my injured, frozen heart.

"Alec", I whisper and feel his hand on mine. With light pressure he turns the door handle and the warmth of our house greets us. The aromas of the dinner have evaporated, the smell of fir green and dried oranges with a pinch of star anise and cinnamon remains. Just like the smell of sea and salt and burnt wood exudes the Alec. Where was he?

"Let's go in and take a hot shower", he says and literally pushes me into the inside of the house that I've been living with this wonderful man for six months now. I gradually wake up from my almost catatonic state and pull the parka off my shoulders, which is still too thin for this time of the year. I just let it slide out of my stiff fingers and out of the corner of my eye I see Alec catching the piece of fabric and hanging it on the hook provided. I take off my shoes and place them next to Alec's. His lined boots are already in their entrusted place and I smile slightly at the sight.

When climbing the steps up to the upper floor, I pause for a moment. Again there is no creaking on one of the lower steps.

"Did you fix the step?", I ask.

"I have. Likewise the broken hallway. And also the drawer of your desk", replies Alec.

"Thanks. That wouldn't have been necessary."

"I was happy to do that. I already had the first day of my well-deserved Christmas vacation today. Ergo, I had time. In addition, I woke up almost every night to the noise when you were on your campaign on the hunt for the last ice cream or the table Broken dark chocolate in the kitchen cupboard over the stove", Alec says with a chuckle and for a moment I consider giving him a little nudge with a scornful snort. But then he would tumble down the stairs and break something or even bleed all over the beautiful old floor. The thought of Alec lying bleeding on the floor sends an ice-cold shiver down my spine and I swallow dry. That would be terrible and I would be at the end of my nerves. I would never allow anything like this to happen to Alec.

We got rid of our clothes quickly and even if the bathroom has a pleasant temperature due to the underfloor heating, I am still incredibly cold. With clammy limbs and trembling hands, I get into the shower and as soon as the hot water hits my cold skin, I hum comfortably. I can feel Alec's hard body, hardened by the physical work, and his strong arms that embrace me from behind. Together we stand under the jet and the hot water patters our bodies incessantly. I hear the rustling above me, feel Alec's hands on my skin, feel the warmth of the individual drops that warm my limbs and Alec's voice close to my ear makes my heart beat faster.

"If you're ready to talk about it, I'll listen to you. But please do me a favor. Don't take it on me", Alec whispers to my ear and reaches past me to get the shower gel. Without expecting an answer from me, he begins to rub the fragrant gel in his palms. I close my eyes and feel his hands on my body, gently running over my chest and stomach. Alec's touch is so familiar to me and I give myself completely to his guidance. Again. But it's exactly what I need now. Knowing hands caress my body with a calm and devotion that surprises me every time. Chest, stomach, arms, shoulders. A series of circular movements and gentle massaging over muscles that are sore from the cold. I rest my head on Alec's shoulder and remember the first time I did this. It feels like forever. And yet it was only five months ago.

The summer moon shone brightly in the room. Silvery glittering sparks danced through the darkness and a journey began that we both do not know where it will lead us. Alec breathes kisses on my neck and shoulder, an electrifying tingling sensation when soft lips meet my skin. Sparks flew and drops of water burst on our bodies.

"Baby turn around. I want to wash your hair", Alec says softly and as soon as I've turned to him, his hands are in my hair and I moan softly at the intoxicating feeling.

"We have never done it in the shower before", I say. "We will. But not now. It's late. Let's sleep", replies Alec and frees my body and hair from the fragrant foam. What remains is Alec and the aroma of water, salt and sea.