"I think we are a perfect match", Alec whispers, his lips touching my earlobe. I sigh and try to get up. But Alec closes his arms tighter around my body.

"Don't run away, Magnus", he says and the urge for a drink has never been as great as it is now. His words with this deep, erotic voice pierce painfully into my heart. I know exactly what he's going to say next. But I'm not ready for that yet. So I have to stop. Here and now.

"Alec, I'm not sure if my feelings for you are strong enough to be in a relationship. Let alone a marriage", I say and my words don't miss their effect. Alec loosens his grip on my body and sits up. Immediately I feel cold and ashamed. Why? Because i'm stupid. Because I let Alec touch and fuck me. He's been dominating my mind for four weeks. It is to be crazy. With every touch, no matter how small, my body goes crazy and my mind says goodbye to vacation. Tonight I let him hope for a romantic future with me. But I can not do it. My head is not clear. And my heart is screaming its soul out of the body right now. I ignore it. As well as always.

"Then let's find out. Together", he says and puts a hand on my cheek. I swallow dryly as the sad look of his blue eyes captures me.

"We already live together and we love ... Maybe. I hope so. Someday. Magnus, life sucks. It puts stones in your way as big as the boulder in Central Park behind which I kissed you. And not a man , No woman is ever strong enough to get rid of all the boulders. You are strong Magnus. So incredibly strong. But you are also afraid. Afraid of allowing too much closeness and being hurt. But without fear, no trust. No love . No life. No Alec. The choice is yours. I've already made mine. "

"And I am your choice", I say more to myself than to Alec. I do not expect an answer. Still, I get one.

"You", breathes Alec.

"I would never push you to do anything. You have to decide that yourself. But please don't make me wait too long." Exhausted, I sink into the pillows and turn my head in Alec's direction. He's still sitting in bed, the light blanket caressing his legs. The rays of the new day flood the room with their warmth and brightness. Alec has turned his head, his face turned away from me. I don't see his facial expressions or the look in his eyes. I listen eagerly to his steady breathing and see the steady rise and fall of his chest. He has his arms backed and the hard muscles of his biceps compete with the well-defined muscles of the triceps.

I've had a lot of men in my life. Tall and blonde with curly hair and an athletic body. Brown hair and brown eyes, a mischievous smile and a cross so wide that I could hide behind it. Fire-red hair and green eyes, a pointy nose and a face like a weasel. Small, long black hair and glasses with glasses as thick as the ashtray in my grandma's hands. It was all there. But never a guy like Alec. He combines everything I want in a man. I love the deep black of his hair and that it always looks like he just got out of bed. The color of his eyes is really unique. You rarely see this combination. It would be a lie if I said that it leaves me cold. Oh please, that leaves me anything but cold. Not to mention his body. It shouldn't be what I look for in a man. And that's not it either. Not only. Still, I'm just a gay guy who likes tall, dark-haired, muscle-bound gay guys.

"Alec?", I ask hesitantly. A deep sigh fills the room. Alec is dejected. I get it.

"Alec, I will not pretend I love you. You have become too important to me for that. Wrong feelings are the last thing you deserve. But I know one thing for sure. When you touch me, a switch is activated in mine Head down. And all I can think of is that I want you to fuck me. "

"Without feelings", Alec whispers so softly that I can barely understand.

"That's all I can offer you. We'll live together as before. Of course we can continue to get to know each other. And I would love to continue having sex with you. Because shit Alec, that was the best sex of my life. And I had I've never said that. Ask Raphael. Not even after our night with Andrew. " And already I regret my loose mouth. Alec turned his head in my direction so quickly that the vertebrae cracked suspiciously loud.

"Andrew?", he asks in surprise. I nod.

"Andrew Underhill-Santiago?" I nod again. His eyes widen in horror and knowledge is in his face.

"Raphael and Andrew. And you?" he asks, clearly overwhelmed. I'm just so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

"It's been ages." One last try to defend myself. I don't even want to imagine what Alec might think of me. "Fuck that I would have loved to see", Alec says with a laugh and now I'm the one staring at him in disbelief. After Julian found out that there was a night together with my two best friends, he literally ran amok. But Alec reacts very differently. His eyes sparkle and he lasciviously licks his lips. I can almost see the film that is going on in his head in front of me.

"Active or passive? Oh please tell me Andrew and you were passive." Alec doesn't get an answer from me. Just a smile. And that's all he needs. He throws his head back and groans.

"Oh God."