By (soon to be called )

~

Hi, I'm Emma, going on Emmett, and it took a while for me to find myself. I am currently 13 years old, turning 14 in March and I live in Maine. Ever since I was in 5th grade, I had transgender thoughts. I tried to push them away by attempting to be more interested in feminine things, and I did succeed for the time being. I tried to surround myself with pink and sparkles, and for the longest time I wore a skirt to school everyday despite the fact that I didn't like it.

The thoughts had diminished throughout 6th grade and 7th grade, but I never fully lost sight in who I was. I changed the way I dressed and who I was constantly to try and find myself, but I never could. It was hard.

The thoughts came back at the end of 7th grade and through 8th until now. My mom had always been upset in the way that I dress, because I often wore shirts that were too big for me in hopes to hide my boobs, and at one point told me that I had to check in with her about my outfit before I left the house. I had to resort to stop wearing t-shirts and wear more feminine things to pass my mom's inspections, but she eventually gave up in the whole thing because she could tell that she was changing who I was, WITHOUT ME WANTING IT.

I haven't cut my hair since 4th grade, claiming that I don't want to cut it because I like it long, but the real reason was because I wanted to be more feminine, trying to make myself believe that I wasn't transgender. For the past few months, I wanted to cut and dye my hair, and get gauges. I've always liked that look but I knew that if I brought it up that my parents would say no. They are mainly against body modification.

I was brave enough, however to tell them that I wanted to cut and dye my hair and get gauges. They said no at first, but I wore them down. Christmas wasn't too great either. I asked for t-shirts but only got one, instead getting nail polish, hair ties, and feminine clothing like frilly scarves. The t-shirt that I did get was one that said "Choir Chick" on it because I love music. Not only was I upset that I would never use this stuff, but I felt bad that I hadn't come out to my parents yet.

Later in the school year, my whole class had to take a healthy relationships class and take a survey. They wanted to know my gender, so I asked my best friend if I had to fill it in. She said she wasn't so I didn't either. I later asked her why she didn't and she asked me too. That was when I came out of the closet for the first time ever. She was the first to know that I was transgender.

After that week had passed I felt a new surge of happiness, and a couple mornings after, on Saturday, I came out to my sister. She told me that when I wanted to cut and dye my hair and get gauges my dad went up to her and asked her if I was lesbian. She later told me that he said he would always accept me, and that is when I told her.

It has been a bumpy, emotional road, and this writing is probably bad because I'm on an iPad, but it was worth it. I'm planning on coming out to my parents VERY SOON. Probably within a few days time, or maybe even a week. I still have a boyfriend, who I know isn't gay and I have to break it to him soon, which is going to suck but I have to live. All in all, I have learned to find and embrace myself, and I hope one day you can too. I AM going to get my hair cut and dyed, and after that and coming out to my parents, I am going to come out to my school.

Please, don't reject who you are. I tried to, and I was unhappy. I couldn't be happier now knowing who I am and who I want to be. Find yourself. Embrace yourself. LOVE yourself. Don't forget. :)