By

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I probably could have figured out that I liked girl a whole lot earlier than I did had I payed full attention to my mind and whet it was telling me. When friends would say "Oh, come on, you HAVE to like SOMEONE!" At a sleepover, I would think of a boy that was nice to me (I'm a girl). Two summers ago, I sat next to one of my best friends, doodling dresses on a sheet of paper and listening to an Andy Grammer song. Partway through the song I thought, "what if I'm not actually straight." I fell silent as I though about this. She assumed I didn't like the song. Let's call her Karen. Well later that week I was hanging out with Karen, and another friend, who we will call Ann. Well we were wading in a creek, in a very private area of the woods behind Karen's house. I told them that I thought I may be lesbian. They were very cool with it. They asked me questions, like what made me think so, and I told them that I kinda had a crush on another friend of ours, who we will call Caitlin. At the end of the summer, Ann convinced me to come out to Caitlin, who was, and still is my best friend, but I had chosen not to tell her because of some how I was afraid she would react and some other stuff that I don't really remember clearly enough to write down. Anyhow, I dropped it that year. The next summer, the one that just passed, the crush came back, stronger this time. I thought I had gotten the process of telling her over with, but I had told her in a weird way, like Ann asked me who I liked (she knew, and I had given her permission to ask in Caitlin's presence) and I pointed to Caitlin, BUT SHE DIDN'T NOTICE! So I had to retell her I few weeks later. I had a strange sense of calm when I was telling her. It was weird. She took it really really well, she just kind of nodded and the next weekend she came over to my house and we slept in the same bed, as we had since I got a bed that could fit two people. Anyway, once this school year started I decided that I will make myself get over it. That it was wrong and stupid to have a crush on your best friend. That I should just have plutonic feelings for her. Man oh man was I wrong to expect that to be easy. I would think that I was finally getting over it, that I was pushing myself to be beyond it, and then it would all crash down with one small gesture from her. Helping me up a hill when we went apple picking the day after I fractured my toe. Smiling at me so brightly when she passed me in the hall. Hugging me just a bit tighter when I told her people were bullying me. Ranting to be about how her math grades were dropping and she didn't understand why. These tiny gestures, these little things, would make my stomach flutter to violently. I am still working on getting myself over her. But then I developed a crush on a boy. A big one. I still have it. But that threw me off. I had thought I was lesbian. Maybe bi then? But no, kissing or any physical touch with a boy scared me and disgusted me. So I thought I was biromantic homosexual. Then I learned about being demisexual/demiromantic. I don't know what to call myself. I don't even know my romantic/sexual feeling toward people of other genders than boy and girl. And one of my friends, Karen from before said to me "oh, it's easy. You're biosexual." ITS BISEXUAL! This bothered me so much for some reason. Well now my issue is coming out to my parents. They wouldn't care. It wouldn't make a difference to them at all. So why am I so scared to let them know? To let them in? Just the thought freaks me out. How would say it? When would I say it? Should I tell them separately? At dinner? How would I explain to my little sister, who's in second grade. I know everyone around me would love and accept me, if they even batted an eyelid at it, honestly. But I'm so scared. I have no idea how to move from my current position, which is out to my closest friends, and labeled "queer" to myself. "Bi" to the rest of the people who know. I'm so scared.

Anyway. I'm sorry if this story was confusing, boring, or sounded really like a spoiled brat (because I'm in a really good situation and I'm being all nervous wreck about it). I hope the rest of you who are having a harder time than me figure it out soon.

Thanks and lots of love to everyone.