By

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Hey guys! I wanted to share with all of you how I discovered that I was a Lesbian.

I remember when I was younger, I didn't really have crushes. I thought that some of the boys were cute, and same for the girls. I never really thought about it until the 4th or 5th grade, when crushes started to become the hot topic at my school. When I was asked, I replied with the name of a boy in my class. We'll call him M. M was a nice guy, and he looked cute. I had a forced crush on him for a while. We worked together on a science project, and while at my house he played really nicely with my younger siblings. I remember thinking, "Wow, he would be an amazing boyfriend/husband."

Just not for me.

I still had this forced crush on M through 8th grade. That's when a new girl came. Let's call her K.

She was very pretty, and very nice. She always hung around with me, but I always felt really nervous and awkward around her. I thought "Is this what an actual crush feels like?" my next thought was "Oh shit, am I gay??"

I immediately said to myself, No way am I gay. I mean, I had a crush on M, right? I must be Bi. And so, for awhile, that's what said I was. I remember coming out to a friend, who immediately assumed I had a crush on another one of my friends, who was Pan-sexual. (When asked why, he replied with "I can see it. I can smell it. I can taste it.") after a while, I stopped crushing on M. My grades were low, so I wound up needing to repeat 8th grade. This, on top of my sexuality problems, was pretty overwhelming. I remember breaking down and telling my mother I was Bi. She said she loved me no matter what, but I never (And still don't) Feel supported by her, or my father. They say things that imply that it's a phase, and things like "Well, you shouldn't label yourself when you're so young." I would agree with that last statement, If it weren't for the fact that I knew that it was true.

Skip to the beginning of my second year of 8th grade. I walk into class and sit down in my desk. An old friend of mine, I'm gonna call her J, walks in. My breath catches in my throat.

I know that many who are bisexual are often told that they're really gay and to scared to admit it. I know that's not true. At least, for the most part. But when J walked in, I realized that I haven't felt any real attraction towards anyone other than girls. That day, I told my friends (My friends are younger than me, so I get another year with them) that I was Lesbian. Sadly, my pan-sexual friend had moved, so I wasn't able to tell her. My friends were very supportive, although one of them would tease me about it. (Not in a mean way though.)

Now, I come from a christian family. So that weekend, after going to church, I started questioning my sexuality again. Later that week, when I spent the majority of my youth group admiring the beauty of the girls there, I thought "Yep. I'm definitely gay." This made me feel out of place, especially since I'm part of the youth worship band. I came out to my small group that night, and one of my friends there said that she thought it was cool that I did. They were all supportive, and I was happy that they were. I remember one of my younger church friends asking, "Is it a decision or a problem?" I told her it was neither, and explained it. I also told her that it was rude, at least to me, to ask if its a problem or decision. She apologized.

Now all I'm waiting for is a creative way to come out to my parents. I'm not scared to, I just really want to make it memorable.

I'm really happy that I'm somewhere where I'm free to express myself, and free to love who I love.