By

~

My history of learning about myself is one that is longer than I excepted when I first wrote this, memories flashing by causing tears and smiles of blur together. On the journey of writing this, I aspired to write for a few people who have been a key part in my journey. Special thanks to Beautiful-Banshee for our midnight rants keeping me in a stable enough place to write this. Now that I'm done and ready to cut the crap, let's get along with it. Here's the truth:

It all started in sixth grade where I found my self stranded in a maze of halls and a jumble of school work, a scrawny twelve year old at the height of 5'4". I had always been shy in my past and there was no exception this year, once again finding myself at the start with the surprising total of one true friend.

Leading up to this point, I'd never had a crush on anyone. Sure, I thought some guys were relatively attractive, but that was different. Especially because at that point, they were all short with squeaky voices. On the other hand, my ex-bestfriend and her close friend thought they had it all figured out. Somewhere in that year, both of them ranted to me about how they liked each other and I laughed to myself at the ironic mess I was shoved into. Eventually, they began dating.

Now, let me just break this down for you so you can figure it out by yourself. My best friend ( let's call her Betty ) and her friend ( I'll name her Ellie ), were the first lesbian couple at our school. Mind you, I was living in Georgia at this point in my life which is part of the Bible Belt ( idk what that even means ). No one really had discussed the topic of any sexuality than heterosexual and actually made jokes of the topic. Some said they would accept it while others said they wouldn't. There was this one, stereotypical, homosexual who actually didn't come out until eighth grade but moving on, he was friends with everyone and they all loved him. Let's just say that this wasn't the same for the two of my friends.

With both suffering from depression, the constant harassing about the two of them only worsened their conditions. I found myself sticking up for them constantly in an attempt to help. Sadly, rumors were spread no matter what I did. If one of them was in the restroom, they were making out. False. The lies would spread across school like wildfire. This didn't help a bit as one would imagine.

If you're wondering why I'm speaking about this, it's because it plays a role in my future.

At the time of the who scandal, I believed I was asexual. I didn't tell anyone about this though, it was something I kept to myself.

In the end, the two broke up. With one of them moving to the other side of the county, Betty was devastated. Ellie on the other hand, actually told me that she had originally felt pressured into the relationship.

Fast forward a few months and this is where everything gets set in motion to where I get a blurry idea of who I am.

I found a new friend who I became friends with relatively quick, bonding over our favorite TV shows and other things. We talked every day and our conversations captured my attention for hours a day. We would talk and talk, laugh and make jokes. We even had our own little song. Over time, I grew to care for her. Maybe it's because Ellie had left and Betty and I had gotten into a fight causing me to be clingy, but I cared for her. She was also lesbian, but the school didn't know. I began questioning my sexuality at this point, knowing that asexuality was out of the question for me at the moment.

The funny thing is that we eventually got into a fight and cut ties completely. Weird, friendships can break your heart too.

I cried and cried, hidden. Black grew to become a favorite of my wardrobe and I fell back into depression. Eventually, another girl came alodid Once again, we talked and talked. Our late night conversations bloomed into something more until one day a game turned into a joke that really wasn't even a joke anymore. At that point, we both knew that we had feelings for eachother. This didn't change much though, we still kept our nicknames for each other and went on with our day. Later on, we did tell each other that we loved each other and blah blah blah. At this moment in time, I was in the summer which I was going to 9th grade. For some weird reason, I'm a mess who actually faught with this girl too and we broke up.

This breakup hit harder than I expected though. The crying went on for weeks. At times, I was too sad to cry and simply sat staring off into space while fiddling with my hands. I had no one at this point and was left to fend for myself once again.

In all the mess of this, I have the mother who told me that she would accept me if I was lesbian or something, yet questioned my every word when I told her. She doesn't support me. My father is a dick and legit hates me. I was in a tangle of feelings.

Someone came to help me; comfort me. We became friends and she was my stillmate for a while. As it turns out, in my second year of highschool, she didn't want to be my friend. Apparently she liked me and somewhere along the lines of me being a clingy mess, I latched onto her. Our conversations were interesting and I felt nervous at times around her. Was this what love felt like? I didn't know that. Well, that and my sexuality. At the time, I believed I was lesbian.

We comforted each other; told each other we loved one another. She made me happy. I didn't mean to, but I depended on her. I loved her, but it changed over the course of cruel time. I think of the lyrics of by Birdy at the thought of our relationship.

The world's so fast and nothing lasts

Let's save it while we can

Cause I want to be forever

Like smoke in the air

Float like a feather going nowhere

Lost in the silence

I don't need to be free

Kill me with kindness

And please

Tell me beautiful lies

I wish that I had the strength to let go, but I don't

I'm paralyzed

Beautifulr going nowhere

Lost in the silence

I don't need to be free

Kill me with kindness

And please

Tell me beautiful lies

I wish that I had the strength to let go, but I don't

I'm paralyzed

I see the child in your eyes and I'm stuck in the headlights

I know too well that time will tell

It's easy to forget

Cause I want to be forever

Like smoke in the air

Float like a feather going nowhere

Lost in the silence

I don't need to be free

Kill me with kindness

Oh, well, I've tried to be open

But I've found it's hard when you're broken

And in the heat of the moment, we're free

So please, please

Please

Tell me beautiful lies

Cover my eyes with your hands

Just pretend we're better

Turn out the light

There are no more surprises to come

Let's be numb together

That I feel half empty, ripped and torn

Ooh, I don't want this to break you

Ooh, but I've got no one else to talk to

Don't want to find out, lost it all

Too scared to have no one to call

Lyrics hold something that words can't; feelings that a simple phrase is unable to express. These lyrics hold the truth of our relationship. After a while, I wanted out but I was afraid to. Loving someone is hard and I felt stuck. I wanted out but I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be alone again.

My relationship wasn't healthy and I knew that, but I was too afraid to be alone. Luckily, I don't have to. Friends can be there for you and I have my own little 'Wicked Bitch of the West'. I eventually broke up with her and am most definitely happier now.

It took a while to learn who I really was, but the journey was something I'll never regret.

-x-

I'm genderfluid and pansexual. I realized that I was pansexual in between relationships with the help of a friend. My story of my gender will be up randomly.