By

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I had always been an especially accepting person, but never of myself. I always got onto to myself for being too fat, too lazy, two stupid. And so the utter shock that I awoke to that one fateful night four years ago, in fourth grade, was probably the most distressed I had been.

Through this time, my self-hate was always turned around by my best friend since Pre-K, Chloe Clark. I never thought it was wrong how beautiful I thought it was, but it was never love. Thinking about kissing her was something I would wrinkle my eyebrows in confusion at. Yet, nowadays, I think about it all the time.

One night, I was restless. Under the darkness, I twisted and turned. My stomach felt sick, and I could only think of how wonderful it would be to have Chloe there beside me in the darkness. Then, it hit me all at once, like I had just been slipping along a hole and someone had shoved me in from behind. I realized that I loved her. Her smile played behind my eyelids, and her voice was the most beautiful song.

I hated myself for that. I thought I was broken, somehow. But I couldn't deny it, I loved her.

So years past. I moved away for a while, and then by fate, the beautiful little girl moved to my school. We had friends and each other, but darkness was lying behind the rays of sunlight we had painted for ourselves; Chloe was in hell. Depressed. Suicidal. I wish I had been there through the years that passed to help her. I couldn't erase the fact that her dad had killed himself, and I couldn't erase that her mom was popping pills.

Can you imagine that pain?

So in Seventh Grade, I dropped the bomb that I loved her, for better or worse. And of course, I was rejected. The reason why? Not that she didn't love me, but that she was scared of the bullies.

Since then, I have gained hope that I can hold on for her. I want to save her from the darkness that always looms over her mind. To save her from the bullying. To shield her from everyone and everything that may hurt her.

We have been dating now for a while now, almost a year. We have had fights, ups and downs, but no matter what, she is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I hope this can be a lesson for everyone, to love and not hate. Because hate paints a darkness that everyone is so afraid of, they ignore. And love... Love paints the prettiest picture, one so lovely even you don't understand how it can even exist.

With the help of someone I love, after accepting myself, I learned all of my labels: androgyny, panromantic, pansexual... Remember, acceptance is the first key to painting that lovely picture I mentioned.

It's just like picking up the brush