By

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The heart wants what it wants. But what does mine want?

I don't know exactly what my sexuality is but I don't need it to label it for myself. If I find someone that has a great personality and I get along with them I don't care in any way if it's a he, a she, none of then, both or wants to be referred to as a unicorn. It needs to fit and that's it.

But that isn't actually what I wanted to say. About a year ago I became friends with a girl I had known for several years. Well, we went to the same primary school and had ballet lessons together but that was before we both changed immensely. I tried to be more extroverted and not as shy as all the years before and she became kind if a rebel. So in ninth grade we had a class together, she with blue hair and me pushed into being girly with dresses and long hair and such. Over the year we got in touch a few times and from the beginning of tenth grade, from one moment to another, we were best friends. Her blue hair was gone and from that moment we were often mistaken for another. However it wasn't just our looks that were the same it was our whole personality. I realized that I didn't have to act girly and extroverted. She showed me that it was okay to be introverted and to prefer pants over dresses and to be interested in other genders than male. She made me discover my inner fangirl and she helped me rough times with my mom.

My family doesn't know about me being other than straight but I don't really care if they do. I'm not very close to them anyways and if I tell them if the topic comes up I don't care what they say against it.

Back to what I wanted to say:

Me and her, we both like English and English speaking countries more than Germany where we live, we are both hardcore fangirls (SuperWhoLocked, YouTube, etc.), we both like to have short coloured hair (mine's green and shoulder length and she's got a boy's haircut that she's soon gonna dye), we're both introverted but not shy and hate talking to people.

We have a few close friends and many people we just know. We are the same.

And we both want to get away from our families. And that's the breaking point.

Her mom and she are comfortable with her going to a school where you also live (don't ask me what the word is right now). It's near Munich which means 80 km away from me. She wanted me to come with her and I wanted to go with her so badly. My family supported me but then there was my mom. She just said no without even listening to another word I had to say.

That it would do good on my grades, that it would do good in me.

That the only person who understands me and listened to me was being torn apart from me.

That maybe, maybe, I was in love with her. And that she was the only reason I didn't gave up on me and would've definitely attempted suicide this year. I haven't told her once how miserable my life was because she knew and she never told me how miserable her life was because I knew. Because we were just the same.

I don't know if I am really in love with her or if it's just losing a part of me. She is the only person I could be myself with. I always listened to other's problems and tried to be there for them because I never had anyone do that for me. Everybody should have someone like that but I never bothered to have someone like that for me because I was to busy being that someone for others.

And then she came. And she cared for me the way I needed someone to care for me. I've never felt myself at home like that. I have thought of kissing her and about how much I wanted to rather be with her than where I was right now or have her here.

All I know is that this one year we had wasn't enough and it's gonna be the worst time of my life when she's no longer here.

It's summer break now and she's not going to be here by the end of it.

And if that sounded confusing to you imagine what I feel like because that was just the top of the iceberg.