By

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Before society had the chance to completely brain wash gender roles into my system I had already realized that I was "different".

Being anything but heterosexual in my country is frowned upon and even a " go ahead" to be treated disrespectfully by others. I can't quite explain how I knew, but I'll try. When I was six I kissed a girl (multiple times at that age the same girl but different occasions). When I was eight I kissed another girl (once), at nine I kissed a boy (multiple times on different occasions) and then again at eleven (once). I felt attracted to each of these people. I remember us sitting together planning our wedding and never wanting to be apart from each other. But at eleven I didn't even know what lesbian meant much less the other labels. All I knew was two people of the same sex were not supposed to be with one another because god doesn't like it.

I personally never had a problem with it, hell it was so OK to me I didn't even think about it as unnatural/ unholy. It was just like seeing two heterosexual people together.

One day I was looking for teen movies on YouTube and came across the infamous "But I'm a cheerleader". While watching this " feelings" stirred in me that made me begin to question my perception of myself. That was when I realized that I wasn't quite who I thought.

I started to watch more, learn more, join sites to find persons I could interact with that were going through the same as me. Then was when I accepted that I was different and different was OK. I actual began to like the fact. I was twelve when I accepted myself as bisexual. At thirteen I came out to my mom, and a few months later I came out to my dad. He was more accepting but my mom was bent on "fixing me". I talked to people, pastors, shrinks and tried to suppress my feelings but they kept coming up.

Until one day she gave up.

Although I can't bring a girl home or say the words "this is girlfriend" to her its still better than being a caged monkey open to various anti-gay experiments. So my mom had this guy that she had been in an on off relationship with since I was three months old. I considered him my dad since my biological father wasn't around. He bathed me and fed me and held me in his arms since I was little. I even used to call him daddy. He is an alcoholic and every time he got drunk he would talk a lot. So one night he was drunk and we were talking and I told him I preferred girls. He was very open on the topic and we discussed and debated it, me winning of course. But he said I liked girls because I hadn't been with an experienced man before. And then he tried to force himself on me I got away in time but it still hurts to know what he would've done. That was may fifth of last year. Since then my mother took me took me join a mental hospital after I had written "stupid bitch" on my outer arm and " trust no bitch"on my chest in block letters with the razor from a pencil sharpener that I had broken. They diagnosed me with illnesses such as anorexia and depression ( I was on anti depressants) these just made me feel numb all I wanted to do was sit/lay somewhere all day and stare at anything. At nothing I didn't really care.

I have a group of six friends whom I have known for almost four years and we recently discovered that four of us are bisexual. They are great and have really helped me through this. I love them sooooo much. I'm now out to close friends and family.

My advice to readers is to love yourself no matter what others may think of you. Come out on your own terms there is no need to rush. Don't ever let anyone dictate who you are or who you should be. You are your own individuals. Society has rules but that doesn't mean you need to be a stereotype.

My story isn't finished just yet but I'm far from where I started.

-thehorizonisnear