By

~

"Hey. I'm straight. And a girl."

- me for the first 10 years of my life

"Hey wait, I'm bisexual, but I still like boys more. And I'm still a girl."

- me, age 11 and 12

"Hey wait... I'm gay. And I have a girlfriend. Yeah and I'm a girl."

- me, age 13

"Hey wait a second, I'm super confused. I think I'm pan. What. Also I have no gender. And maybe ace?"

- me, age 14 to present

So hold up. First of all, let me give you a visual (through words) of what my gender is.

Jfjdjsjdjsjsjhdyehee AHHHHHH WHAT IS h Ap P eNi n G

There you are. Hope that makes things as clear for you as it is for me.

Basically like walking through mud, then.

Yeah sooo... I'd really like to list some things about myself that contribute to my gender identity.

1. I wear a binder quite frequently (thank you so much @The_Anime_SuperPony). I don't like looking down at my chest and seeing something that's supposed to make me female. Wearing a binder, for me, is not really because I want to look "male", but because I want to dispel the stereotype of genetalia being the thing that defines what you're //supposed// to identify as. I wear a binder because it makes me feel more free, as if I don't still have one thing that connects me to being female.

2. I have short hair. I've been called a 'boy' many times, as well as a 'girl', specifically 'a girl with a boy's haircut'. This is awful. Short hair is not just for boys and long hair is not just for girls. Seeing me with my short hair should not immediately connect you to 'male', but it does. That hairstyle in men is very common. That doesn't mean it's normal. Nothing is normal. The hairstyle is common, but not the 'norm'. People need to understand that. It's okay that it's more common for women to have longer hair and men to have shorter hair, but //that does not mean it's normal//. There's a difference between those two words. So yes, because it is very common for men to have short hair, I'm misgendered. A lot.

3. I try to appear very androgynous, but at the same time I love wearing dresses sometimes and other times I really wish for a tailored suit. The latter being the more difficult thing, as apparently only boys can wear those and everyone assumes I'm a girl.

4. I'd love to have a deeper voice and possibly a bit of facial hair, so I might even take testosterone later in life. My problem is that I'm a singer. I can sing really high notes. If I took testosterone, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. Quite conflicting, I must say.

So there's four things about my gender that still leave me empty-handed when people ask about my identity. I'm hella confused, if you can't tell. My main focus, though, is that we, as a people, should not be so focused on gender binaries. As someone on Tumblr has said, we're so focused on binaries that we think cats and dogs are oppsites, and that cats are more feminine and dogs are more masculine. We assign genders to animals based on the way they act and/or their genetalia. There could be no difference in two animals of the same species, yet the one who stays home with the younger ones to take care of them is automatically female. Why????? We need to stop doing this.

I believe in what my role model, Miles Mckenna, says often. "Gender doesn't exist in my world and if it does in yours then I don't want to live in it." That is a beautiful thing.

Things change a lot. And that's okay. Love is love and you are you and no one else can change that.