By

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I had never really like my real name or my nickname. My real name is long and some people have a hard time pronouncing it, but when my mother would tell people what my name was when they asked she would tell them, and once she told them, the response was always "What a pretty name!" or "A beautiful name to match an equally beautiful girl." while smiling so wide and I would always just mumble "thanks" and look down at my feet.

On the other hand, my nickname is short and easy to pronounce, but difficult to spell as you could also put a 'y' at the end. And everyone I know calls me it.

Late 2016, I found out that I was pansexual, with more of a liking for girls, and agender, preferring the pronouns they/them, while helping my best friend find herself. I then felt more like a cover up. Like I was an undercover cop going by my nickname and by the pronouns she/her.

A little while ago, I had decided that I wanted to change my name to something unisex, but a bit more masculine. I sifted and sifted through unisex names and came up with my three favorites (with the help of my cousin, Matt. Shout out to them, the real mvp). The names were Gray, Alex, and Evan. We discarded Alex, as it didn't really suit me, and we were left with Gray and Evan. Matt left me to decide by myself, since it was my name and they didn't want me to be left with a name that I didn't like. I didn't like the name Gray, but I did like the name Evan. So, I told Matt "Evan. My name is now Evan." They were so happy, since we both love 'Dear Evan Hansen' and talked about it a lot. Matt spent the rest of that night getting used to calling me Evan and we both listen to Dear Evan Hansen.

Now, remember kids, every good thing brings its demons to the party. I decided on my name on the weekend and I was excited to go to school and tell my friend, Britney (ex-friend now). I didn't get to tell her until afternoon recesses since she was ignoring me, red flag 1. When I told her, she said something along the lines of "I don't really like it, it doesn't suit you." while rolling her eyes, red flag 2. I nodded and walked away. I went to somewhere where I could be alone for a few minutes. I had thought she would support me and I wasn't ready for her to just, say that she didn't like it like it would change anything, or that I just picked the name out of a hat and didn't spend almost a whole day sifting through name after name.

I eventually got over it and went on with my day and told my cousin about it like I did everyday.

I'm still slowly transitioning to Evan and only have two people calling me it. I just hope that my friend and I will become friends again and she'll call me Evan instead.

~ Evan xx

(No ones real name was used in this.)