By

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TW: self-harm

I've known I'm asexual for a few years now. I discovered the term in 2014, when I was talking to my then best friend, who is a lesbian, in our French class. And I don't remember exactly what we said, but sex was mentioned and I said I wasn't really interested in sex- and she said that meant maybe I was asexual. That was the first time I'd ever heard the term, and my memory's not that clear, but I think I looked it up when I went home- I discovered AVEN, the website set up by David Jay, and I joined the forums, where there were many other asexual people to talk to.

I also got my first boyfriend that year- I met him at the cycling club I used to attend, not too far from where I lived, and a mutual friend basically set us up. He was cute and all, and he was a really nice guy, but I realised I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me- I told him that I was asexual, and he seemed okay with it- didn't ask too many questions, didn't say anything acephobic against it- and just seemed to accept it. We only went on three dates- twice to the cinema, and once for a bike ride around the local big park. The third date, we went to see the Maze Runner together- we went to eat at Nando's before, and I think we both genuinely had a good time, talked, laughed, etc. and I teased him in the cinema when he got a little scared of the Grievers- but when I look back, the whole thing felt more like we were friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. He held my hand on the way home that evening, and that was the last time I saw him- I still haven't seen him again to this day. He broke up with me before we hit our two-month anniversary, over Facebook- he's a really kind, really sweet guy, and I think we're still good friends- so I naturally blamed the whole thing on myself- the only thing I blamed him for was breaking up over Facebook- though he lived quite far, so it wouldn't have been easy to meet up to do it.

Not long after that, I began to realise I had feelings for a really good friend of mine at my school- a girl I'd known for a couple of years prior to attending the school, and not long after my ex had broken up with me, I realised I had a huge romantic crush on her. By the end of the year, I think I really had fallen hard for her- and I was 99% sure she was straight. I really tried to hide it- though, looking back, I don't think I really did try- in the summer, when we went on our Duke of Edinburgh bronze expedition, after we'd arrived back at school, she told me when we were walking along the corridor together- just us two- that she knew I had a crush on her- she said she'd had suspicions, and then when she asked a few other people, they didn't deny it. She'd apparently figured it out a few months ago, as well- after that, I was really upset, so I just went straight home. I was at first really pissed off with one of my friends, because I thought she had told her, but eventually I just blamed myself. In hindsight, I was pretty obvious- sometimes I was really nice to her, sometimes I'd lean on her shoulder- sometimes I was horrible to her- I really didn't know how to hide my feelings. The feelings didn't fade, either. Sometimes I realised I was really in love with her, and it hurt so bad because I knew that she'd never return the feelings.

Sometime in 2015, I came out to both of my parents as asexual- I told them separately, at different times- and neither of them took it particularly well. I don't remember it that well, but both of my parents basically said 'that doesn't exist'- and I had to explain what it was, but neither of them really understood- and they both told me similar things along the lines of 'you're too young to figure that out' 'you'll grow out of it', etc. and it hurt me so bad to hear my own parents tell me that. I also told them some time after that I liked girls, too, as well as boys, but I don't really remember how that went. I think my mum was just like 'oh you'll grow out of it', and she didn't really believe me- I think my dad took it slightly better, though.

I then joined a couple of asexual Facebook groups- a big, main one- and then one of asexuals in the UK- and the UK asexuals group often organised meet-ups in London, or other places around the country- but usually London. In January 2016, there was another one organised, and one night during the week before, I asked my mother if I could go along. I can't remember much of what she said, but she basically gave me a long lecture on how I 'should stop labelling myself', 'you can't be asexual, you're limiting yourself', 'you'll grow out of it', all that shite, and I eventually just told her to get out of my room because I couldn't stand listening to what she was saying. I was so upset, hearing those damning words from my own mother, and in so much emotional agony- that I wasn't really thinking straight (no pun intended), and that was the first time I started self-harming, because it felt like the only thing that would help- the physical pain alleviating the emotional pain. After that, I didn't bother asking again whether I could go to any ace meet-ups. I wanted to go to London Pride that year, but I couldn't- I wasn't able to go the year before, either. I'd never met another ace person irl- I had a couple lesbian friends and a few bi friends, but I'd never met another asexual person, and I was starting to feel like I was the only one in the world. I knew I wasn't, because of AVEN, and the Facebook groups, but sometimes I just felt so alone.

I moved to a new school in September 2016, after completing GCSEs, and it was an all-girls school, so quite a change from my old school. So far I've felt I've fit in a lot better- and there is also an LGBT+ society every week, which is really great. It was so great for the first time to go there and meet other people, who may not be exactly like me, but are different, too. I feel like I can be more free and open at this school, and I've recently developed a huge crush on this girl in my year- who's bisexual- and it's the first time I've had a crush on a girl who isn't straight, so I have hopes for this (I have moved on from the girl I previously had a crush on, now). My friends there are accepting, and everyone's genuinely really nice. It's so great to have a place where I'm accepted- some people don't realise the meaning of that.

I also have the most amazing best friend in the world (more like a parabatai than just a best friend). I met him on a Spanish-English exchange in 2015, and we're still talking. I felt like he was a safe place to go to, so I came out to him, and he totally, fully accepts me, and supports me, and I've told him over and over how much that means. My mum still doesn't really get it- she still doesn't understand the asexuality part, and doesn't really get the bi part either (she's like 'you can't like both' kind of thing)- but I think my dad gets it. I think he sort of accepts the asexuality bit, but he does accept the bi bit, and I'm so happy about that.

I still haven't met any other aces, but I'm hoping to meet a few at London Pride this year, from a Facebook group chat. I hope that, in time, my mother will come to accept me. It's taken me a while, but I finally accept myself.

Thanks for reading my story (sorry it's so long).