By

~

Have you ever felt out of place? Just plain different?

Well, me too. I was feeling uncomfortable with myself, and after a couple of years, I realized that I wasn't exactly female. I was somewhere on the male side. I still don't know exactly, and that frustrates me. I am the type of person who likes facts, and does not like uncertainty. So, realizing that I was trans was pretty tough.

But, after a couple of years, I accepted myself. Kinda, at least to the extent of realizing that it was okay. It was normal to feel wrong with my body. I wasn't a freak.

Yep, it took years. When I look back at it, I think it's stupid.

But, I was raised to not lie. Secrets, to my family, are a type of lying. And despite my rebellious nature against this, it has been burned in my brain. I feel absolutely terrible about secretly wearing a homemade binder and keeping this from everyone. And I have my reasons too. I live in a state in the U.S. where trans people like myself don't have many liberties. Like, if you surgically change, you can't change your gender/sex on your birth certificate. I actually just found that out today through a close friend who I am going to talk about.

My best friend is amazing. We have been friends for years, since sixth grade. We have been through a lot together, and I even have helped him a lot. So, I naturally felt drawn to tell him first. He was my best friend and we have a close bond. I mean, over the years, I threatened a lot of his bullies and he did the same to mine.

But, I was really nervous. To my own problems, my friends would call me a hypochondriac. If it was someone else having problems, I would be calm and collected. But me, I usually panic and my heart beat rises, and my mom thinks something is wrong with me medically because of it.

So, I wrote a letter, months ago, with my hands shaking saying that I was questioning my gender. He said okay, and that everyone does. Sadly, I did half lied to him.

I didn't put a lot of information in the letter.

So, it disappeared under the mounds of highschool homework.

But, after this, it became more and more prominent that I was, well, a guy. And I felt terrible about hiding it. So, this May, I was trying to tell him. But, it always was left unsaid. I was too afraid. Then, I realized that the next day was the last day of school until summer break.

Now, yes, you see friends over summer, but not on a every day basis.

So, I knew it was now or never (or until August). I looked up how to come out, and letters were suggested if you could talk face to face.

And, I started typing.

Like most people on this site, I love writing. My friends knew this as well. So, I titled the subject of the email HELLO. PLEASE READ. And the first lines were saying that it was a story I wanted him to read.

The story was about a boy, and I wish I could put it on here, but I don't want to release any personal information. But, basically it was the highlights of my life since I met him and my other friends, the only difference being that I was a male in the story.

After the end, I told him everything. I told him that I experimented with it, and I felt like myself.

And, just so I wouldn't chicken out, I hit the send button.

And waited.

And waited.

Until a reply came up. I hesitantly hit the button, and gasped at the sight.

It was an entire essay about how he supported me.

He stated that everything was okay, what pronouns to use, that our friendship would not change, and basically everything that anyone would want. I answered all of his questions and I told him I wanted to be called Ryan, but not sure about public. He came up with a gender neutral nickname for me, Rhinen, so that peers would not know. He even suggested to give me clothes.

And, tomorrow, will be a great last day of school. All because I wrote a story.