By

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Hi. My name is susanna, but my friends call me simba or sanna. I'm 15 and live in the United States. I've always grown up in a loving, yet very conservative, Christian family and environment. I've been homeschooled all my life. Up until about 2 years ago, I lived in North Carolina which, as you probably know, is one of the most homophobic states in the U.S. When I was younger, I knew about "gay" people, but we never really talked about them. I'd see stuff about them on magazine covers in the line at the grocery store, my friends and I would discuss it in hushed whispers, but it was just overall considered a bad thing. I thought it was a bad thing. That is, until 4th grade, 2012. Two important things happened that year: my dad was deployed to Africa for 9 months, and I got my first girl crush. I think the two are connected, because while my dad was in Africa, my mom directed most of her attention to my younger siblings, which means I was more independent and making my own decisions. So, about my first girl crush. She was on my basketball team. Like I said, I was homeschooled, but a megachurch/school near us had a basketball thing, so my siblings and I joined. The girls on my basketball team were all pretty and popular, and obviously went to school together. I was just some weird girl to them. They didn't really talk to me or pay attention to me, except for one girl. Megan. She always included me, talked to me when I was alone on the bleachers. She was pretty and nice, and I was completely infatuated. I remember thinking to myself, "if I were gay, I'd want to date Megan" Now this was a totally horrible thing for me to think, at the time. So I abandoned the thought and pretended it was just some silly thing that popped into my head. But I didn't abandon Megan. I spent all my time on the basketball team with her. When basketball season ended, I never saw her again and kind of forgot about the incident.

My friends at church almost never talked about LGBT+ stuff, but when they did, it was to ridicule it and talk about how sinful it was. Wanting to fit in, I never told them about my girl crush, and I just went with the flow. 3 years later, things changed again. My sister, who was 15, talked to me about gay people and would cuss a lot (I felt like such a rebel listening to her), and I moved to California. I was devastated. I missed my friends a lot, and would email them everyday. But... They wouldn't email me back. I came to the conclusion that they really didn't miss me that much. I've stopped talking to them, except for one friend who did keep in touch with me. In my opinion, California is the best thing that happened to me. I made new friends, I started listening to non-Christian music, like Panic! At The Disco, TØP, FOB, etc, I started going to a church that was very modern, and my friends there accepted my sexuality, I realized being gay isn't wrong, and I came to terms with my bisexuality. When I finally accepted myself, it was like my whole world was brighter. I was happier. I was still homeschooled, but I could talk to my sister and internet friends (they're real friendships!) about being bi. I also realized I was gender fluid/bi gender, which was eye opening for me. I was truly happy, the happiest I had been in a long time. Now, fast forward to December 2016. All is well. I went to see Star Wars with my siblings and neighbors and my mom got onto my email and read my emails with one of my friend talking about my bisexuality. When she started talking about it, I started to have a panic attack. This wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't want them to know. My mom pretended to be sympathetic. She said "it's a sin, but we still love you and you can overcome this." But later, when I was sitting outside her room, sobbing, I heard her yelling at my dad. She was angry. "What did we do? To have a daughter who thinks she likes girls?!" She was mad at him.

She was mad at me. And I was mad at myself. In the weeks following my mom "outing" me, I was severely depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried myself to sleep. I was living with the realization that my mother hated who I was. And I hated who I was too. This all lasted until around February. Gradually, things improved. They got better. Mostly, thanks to Emma. I met Emma on a warm, Wednesday night in late February. My sister and I were walking to Starbucks where our youth group usually met. Now, let me tell you something about our youth group: we had a pretty damn cool youth group. We met at Starbucks, fangirled over the hot Barista with biceps the size of my face, and talked about random shit. It was amazing. I was with people who talked about God, but didn't shame me for being bi or listening to " worldly" music. So, on this particular night, my sister and I got to Starbucks a few minutes early. We got in line, and as I was in line, I saw this girl on the other side of the room. She was standing with another girl, who I mistook as her girlfriend. She had short, undercut hair, glasses, and the prettiest face I'd ever seen. She was also obviously gay. (I'm just gonna say, I have the best gaydar ever. It works impeccably). I leaned over and whispered to my sister, "ohmygosh, that girl is so cute." My sister said, "oh yeah, those might be the new girls" Turns out the girl, Emma, was in fact coming to our youth group and the girl she was standing with was just her sister. I could barely talk to her. I just blushed and stuttered and probably said something really dumb. I think I talked about Star Trek. I don't really remember. Anyway, we started hanging out at youth group and after church. I don't really believe in love at first sight, persay, but if it did exist, this would be it. I texted her all the time, and one day I decided to tell her. I was really nervous. I almost started crying. And then, when she texted back, I did start crying.

Tears of happiness. She liked me back, and it felt like everything was perfect. We're now not exactly dating, but we both like eachother. I've had some sucky things happen to me, but now I'm truly happy. It's like that Fall Out Boy song, "Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger." My darkness was big. But now, its all better.