《LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3》Anxiety and Acceptance

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I had the tendency of worrying about what people thought of me. Much like any other teenage girl. We live in a judgemental world.

During the past year I was diagnosed with anxiety. I didn't really do anything about it, never took medication or went to therapy. I tried to deal with it myself which is what I always do. So when my sexuality came into the picture my anxiety was uncontrollable.

I'd sit in my room just thinking which lead to panic attacks. No one found out, not my parents or my sister whom I shared a room with. Sometimes it got so bad that I'd find myself lay next to the toilet, feeling sick but bring nothing up.

If my parents were to ask I'd lie about what was worrying me, school, illness. It worked. Until early 2016.

My sexuality at this point came into my mind every so often but didn't cause extreme anxiety as it did before.

It sparked when I was sat watching Pitch Perfect and there was a scene and I couldn't turn my eyes away. I found myself "attracted" to the character that is Beca Mitchell.

I was on holidays as I began thinking more and more about it. I was brought up, you're either straight or gay. It only added to my confusion. I'm attracted to girls but at the same time I feel the same with boys.

I found out that bisexuality was a thing. I did research, read other people's stories and I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual.

I've been questioning for so long and it felt so great to finally accept part of myself. I was finally happy. I felt like I was on top of the world.

However it all came crashing down. I've been the target for rumours at school for my sexuality. Most people suspected that I was a lesbian. So I turned to someone I knew I could trust. Let's call her. Lisa. Lisa comforted me. Helped me over come the rumours I was denying so my parents wouldn't find out through family at the school.

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I felt terrible. I was back to square one where I just didn't accept myself and my anxiety slowly came back. I always crushed on the unavailable girls. It hurt. I would cry of a night or not cry at all because I was numb.

I always idled Fifth Harmony's Lauren Jauregui and when she came out as bisexual I cried. I accepted myself again just from one person coming out. She came out to the world.

That was when I decided that the next person who asked me I'd come out to them. No matter who they were. I'm not going back to how I used to be. Not because my parents don't accept bisexuality or because some people will get uncomfortable.

I am me, I am where I want to be, I'm working towards my dream career and I know what I want in life and no one or nothing is holding me back. I am the person I want to be. Through all the anxiety I've finally accepted myself.

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