By

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For a long time, I identified as bisexual. I took on that identity in 9th grade as I was discovering the idea of attraction. That was the same year two of my friends got together (straight), and another friend of mine (a boy) and I had a close relationship, mostly teasing by me. Many asked if we were dating.

Anyway, nothing really happened until last year, 10th grade. I got my first crush, my first real crush. Since using letters seems to be a theme I'll call her V. She was in my gym class, a year younger than me, and was so cute and pretty and we'd walk the track (+ another girl) and talk and play a game where we kicked a rock, and I soon realized I had a huge crush on her. I didn't tell anyone. During this time I also made friends with a girl, A, who was openly gay and we spent more time together because we were both in theater.

Anyway, over the summer I finally told my best friends about my crush, which in itself was a milestone. When junior year started I didn't see her at all. One day I was spending some time with A and she asked if I had a crush on anyone and I told her. She'd sat with V at lunch the previous year, and she agreed she was cute but said she was pretty sure she was straight. These words didn't hit me until later, at home, where I relayed it to my friends and cried about the hopelessness of it. Still, I feel weird if I see her. I'd always been afraid, maybe even known, she was straight, and it still came as a huge disappointment— now I couldn't entertain the thought.

The same day was the day I "officially" self-diagnosed myself with OCD. Even now, it interferes with my sexuality— intrusive thoughts, mainly. Whenever sexuality comes up as an OCD symptom it says "straight people may think they are gay," rarely stating the reverse, which makes me either doubt myself or frustrated about the heteronormativity of it.

I slowly discovered tumblr and the word "sapphic" (=girls who like girls). I loved it. Recently, it's been the only word I've felt connected to. I've realized I'm not attracted to males at all, but certainly to girls. Talking to my straight friend has helped to differentiate between recognizing attractiveness and feeling attraction.

It's the label itself that makes me uncomfortable. Labeling myself as "lesbian" or "gay" still feel uncomfortable,even though I feel it;s most accurate. For now, I'd like to go by sapphic and do when I can, but few know what it means.

Sexuality is confusing and attraction is frustrating. I'm still holding out for any girl to show the slightest interest of me (Gotten a couple guys...).

I guess that's all I really have to say for my story.