By

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I went through my life just default assuming I was straight. It was due mostly in part to how little exposure I had received involving the topic. I remember vividly being seven and at a friend's house. On the news, there was something about legalized gay marriage in my state. Us, being little girls, just assumed that meant marrying a friend, not an actual lover. We pretended to kiss and get married. I just remember this as my first experience.

Fast forward to middle school. This was the first time I actually noticed the LGBT+ community. Our school had a Gay Straight Alliance club, and I started getting more involved in the Internet. I began finding LGBT related pins on Pinterest and became obsessed with all of my gay ships. I honestly loved the community, but still assumed I was straight. Besides, I hadn't really had a specific indicator. So straight was just my default.

This current year has pretty much been the year of all years. I had a lot of difficulty with some of friends. I learned a lot about mental illness and keeping the peace, and overall gained a new perspective on the world. But that's another story. Basically, I think this might have influenced my sudden thoughts about sexuality.

Speaking of sexuality, it was sudden. I felt incredibly at home in this community, but had always assumed I was straight. Until this one moment when I just thought to myself- 'what if I'm not?'

This opened up a lot for me. I spent the better part of the last month just wondering who I was. I went back and forth between labels and really wondered what I thought. I consulted the community on Wattpad, desperately trying to find some sort of closure. It wasn't until I was texting my friend when it all sort of clicked. She was telling me about her newest crush- a guy in our writing camp- when I sort of realized that I didn't get these. I didn't get this sort of crush, the ones that consumed everything and made it hard to focus. I fantasized about being with someone, not being intimate. That was the moment when I realized I was probably asexual.

I found a person on Instagram, one that had gone to my school in the previous year. I found out they were a nonbinary pansexual, and I ended up Direct Messaging them about fandoms and whatnot. One day, they posted a picture saying they were bored and anyone could ask them about sexuality/gender. I jumped at the chance to talk to someone who was more than just a profile on the Internet. We connected and talked, and through this conversation I managed to define and condense several of the thoughts I had been having lately over the last couple weeks- I was biromantic.

My biggest struggle over the experience I had been having was that I thought I was fake. Everyone I had seen so far had always known deep down that they were different. I hadn't. Did that mean that I really was just looking for attention? Was I just looking to be a part of this community? Was I really a biromantic asexual, or was I a straight wannabe?

I'm happy to admit that I've put these thoughts out of my head. Each day I become more and more content with my sexuality, and though I've yet to come out, I'm slowly becoming more myself. I'm glad to have found support from the entire LGBTQ+ community. My story isn't over yet, but my biggest milestone was discovering myself. I just hope everyone else will be able to discover themselves, too.