By

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I always knew that I wasn't straight.

The word "heterosexual" never set right with me. I tried so hard everyday to look myself in the mirror and say "I am straight" without that nagging feeling that something was wrong.

My first thought was "I'm a lesbian" but I knew that wasn't it either. I was so confused and so ashamed. I was already being bullied for being a shy, soft and emotional girl by my peers. And my teachers bullied me too. I have dyslexia. Badly. I was never allowed to progress with my peers. I was held back. It has made it extremely hard to progress to comprehensive.

I was also a Christian. My school was highly religious. I knew if I said ANYTHING about being gay, they would freak out and throw their Bibles at me or some shit.

I cried myself to sleep a lot. I felt like a sinner. I felt like Satan was tricking me into sin, and that I'd end up in hell. I felt dirty.

I very literally started to "pray the gay away". I would beg: "Jesus; I love you. I have become a sinner, and I need your help to fix me. Please turn me straight." until my throat was raw.

My prayers were never answered. I started to get so desperate that I gave away some of my stuff, hoping it would get me on Jesus' good side. Old toys, food from my lunchbox, stationery, ect. My prayers grew more and more desperate as each day passed.

The torment I was going through go

so bad that I couldn't handle it. I tried to kill myself. I tied a noose with a hoddie, and tried to hang myself from it. It kept coming undone. I couldn't do it.

But then, I found atheist channels on YouTube. I converted to deism, then to atheism. It was what started my recovery, and my transition into who I am today.

My first comp that I went to sucked. More bullies among my peers and teachers + two verbally abusive best "friends". That's the short of it. The only big thing that happened was me falling in love with an agender person. Zir was a great person (but ended up moving :c)

My parents moved me from that school and brought me to where I am now.

I have never been so happy.

I've been able to find so many supportive friends. They all mean the world to me. For the first time, I finally feel like I belong.

I also managed to discover who I am: Autochorisexual, Panromantic, Genderfluid, and Androgynous.

For the first time in my life, I can say that I love myself for who I am. I can finally love myself and not feel guilty. Coming out to myself and my friends really changed my life.

My depression has mostly faded now. I still get bad days, but generally my mood is much better.

Remember: You are beautiful, valid, and worth being loved. Your not broken or filthy. You are georgous. If you are religious, God created you the way you are. Don't ever be ashamed of it. Feel free to message me about anything if you need help. I won't bite :)

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