By

~

There are many things about me that I am ashamed of, but being gay is not one of them. For me, being 'gay' means being happy. And I am very happy with who I am, and that includes being attracted to girls.

When I was little, I lived in abusive home where we were expected to be perfect children. The word 'gay' wasn't even in our vocabulary, as me and my siblings were very sheltered children. But when I started school, when I was nine, I realised maybe I wasn't as 'normal' as my parents wanted me to be.

I didn't understand why I didn't like boys, and even tried to have a boy friend to make my parents happy. But it never seemed right. Boys were great, but having one hold my hand or kiss me seemed so unnatural and wrong.

I didn't start accepting who I was until my sixth grade year, when I started to try and figure out who I was. At first I considered transgender as a possibility - It seemed far more acceptable from the way I was raised, that if I couldn't date a boy, maybe I needed to be a boy so I could date girls. Of course, that made me even more confused. So I tried labelling myself as 'bi'; It was like the best of both worlds. But even that made me feel unhappy and wrong. So I finally accepted that I was gay. And finally I was happy. I could even deal with bullying and judgment, because it wasn't about what other people thought, it was about me.

Suddenly my world felt very colourful and bright, and I felt like I could truly be me without trying to change myself to please others. I'm happy to say that I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love very much, and in this colourful world, that's perfectly okay.

- Hannah Noelle