By

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From an early age I have always been attracted to boys, (I'm female) and I've always had crushes, both on fictional and celebrity males and boys I know. So imagine my confusion when I started 'noticing' girls.

There's never really been a specific female that I've fancied but I realised a while back that I wasn't just heterosexual.

But I knew I wasn't lesbian because I definitely liked guys- I'd had relationships that meant a LOT to me.

It ashames me to say it but I kind of felt the need to hide this 'feeling' and pretend it never happened. Because I do like guys I felt I could hide it and just make out like I was only attracted to males.

Until recently, I didn't question it. I like guys and that's it.

But this is where it all changes.

Recently, after starting a new school, I had the chance to meet new people and so forth. I met a lot of cool people and we're now all really good friends.

I had around this time stopped being so negative about my sexuality and began identifying as 'Questioning' (bear this in mind).

This was partly due to attractions to people and unashamedly, I will admit, fanfictions, imagines and oneshots, which I will always hold dear thanks to the confidence they've given me and how they helped me realise my sexuality properly. Strange really.

This one girl interested me a lot (let's call her Jo) so I tried to get to know her better (and no, this isn't going where you think). We soon made great friends and our bond is pretty much now unbreakable.

About a month ago, we were talking about the LGBTQA+ community and someone said something really homophobic, in response we both defended the community and the other girl apologized (I'm still disgusted though.)

"I think I am." I heard but only just. It was Jo.

I instantly knew what she meant and it took all I am to be able to whisper back,

"Me too."

And there it was.

In privacy, afterwards, we admitted we both secretly identified as bisexual and promised to not speak a word of it to anyone else.

About once a week we got time to ourselves alone and we just talked.

It felt great because she's the only person I know well enough to trust with all this and she's very supportive, surprisingly so, actually.

But after the Orlando attacks I was taken over by an urge to look into this properly; this is when I discovered everything I needed.

Multiple personal stories that helped me realise that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

This book.

Websites explaining all the vocabulary.

Many times I had seen the word Pansexual and had always wondered what it actually meant, and when I was reading a description of the definition I felt like I was finally able to explain this feeling.

After years of saying "No, you like guys!" Or "She's just a woman crush, no real feeling", I could put a name to it. I could say, "Actually, I don't care about their gender!" Or "Yeah, there might be feeling in it!".

I guess the easy way to put it is that I'm not bothered if my partner is a boy, girl, transgender or gender fluid. (Saying that, I do usually only really crush on boys but I realise that that's probably because I've forced myself to do that for how many years that it's just strange to admit I have a crush on a girl. Not that I'm ashamed.)

And I want to shout this from the rooftops.

But I can't bring myself to even tell any of my other friends no matter how many times Jo sets me up to or encourages me to.

I guess its just because I'm scared. I won't know what to do if they don't accept me.

What if they just shun me and tell everyone?

Now, don't get me wrong, my friends have never said anything against this but I can't help but get the feeling things might be awkward if I do come out.

And I do have some really immature 'acquaintances' who would probably just be laughing too much to even take me seriously.

And then there's the simple matter of my parents.

I'm so tempted to just tell my mum right now, but then I'd have to deal with my dad and all the other family members I have (I have a huge family).

He loves me and all, and to be fair he's never been homophobic but I can't say the same for all family members.

I don't want to affect my relationship with any of them because my family is very family orientated and I don't want that to change now.

But despite my growing anxieties, things are better.

I can't help but imagine the feeling when everyone knows.

And now this! Only three months ago, before I spoke to Jo properly, I wouldn't have done this in my dreams, but to be truthful, I've thought all the way through writing this about clicking the X button and shutting my computer down. But I haven't and isn't that hard?

And I'm planning next year, with Jo, to go to the top of the school field and just shout out "I'M PANSEXUAL!" And not once will I get embarrassed because why should I be? It's my life and who are those asses to judge?

When anyone asks what I want to do in the future, I will say be comfortable with my sexuality. Because that, right now, is all that matters.

And gradually it's happening.

By this time next year my whole family will know about my sexuality and I'm going to tell them on Christmas day.

I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up my friends.

I guess what I've learnt is that I shouldn't hide it. I should bear it as proudly as my larger than usual thighs and stomach and the tache hairs that line my upper lips. Because it's a part of me.

In fact, it's more than just a part.

It is me.