By

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I've always known I'm not straight. I have always been very masculine and turned my noes to dresses and make up, dolls and shopping. For two years, 6 to 8 years old, I made everyone call me Tim and refer to me as male pronouns. I went to an all-girls college which despite what you might think, I really enjoyed. Because even then I didn't think masculism was restricted to boys and I knew I would find other like-minded ladies there. Which I did. I had the best group of friends any anti-gender-classing kid could have. They all loved sport and building forts and being rough and my male friends loved theatre and the arts and talking about feelings and ideas. I loved that. I loved the fact my friends proved every stereotype wrong.

I was also blissfully unaware of sexism because of this. Even though I went to an all-girls school it seemed there was this shared idea that the phycological difference between boys and girls was the equivalent of the phycological difference between Sarah and Anna-Marie. We are all the same fucking amount of different.

Carrying on, I didn't experience sexism until I started my design degree. I'm not the closest kid in town and I don't want to be but for some reason these two hip skateboarding surfer dudes took a liking to me. They were called Johnny and Jack. They used go on and on how I wasn't like the other girls. Sometimes they would even refer to me as male from my masculine behavior and interest in being rough and playing tough. It didn't bother me much then as I was so surprised that the actual cool kids wanted to hang out with me and if that meant being a little rougher and little tougher then why the hell not? But I got sick of the hyper masculism. So once in a while I expressed my feminine side. They really didn't like that. As soon as I wore fitting clothes or drew something they considered girly they would turn their nose and tease and tell me "oh no you're not like them Chuck don't do that," like it was a fucking disappointment to be feminine at all. They teased me constantly, they used the word woman as a put down, they would purposefully play to rough and then mock me when I wanted out.

I have pretty big issue with people touching me without my permission. I will not hug anyone unless I trust them enough and I especially hate that stupid cheek kissing thing. They used to think this was funny and force hold or hug me. People do this a lot. You say you don't like touching and they think it's fucking joke. So when I would get serious about it they would mock me and tell me "don't act like one of those girls, you're not like them."

Despite it all I could deal with this. They convinced me they were teasing each other just as much. It was a kind of 'no one's safe' zone, but then one of them, Jack, started falling for me.

Every time he would come around to my flat he wouldn't leave. He kept sleeping in my bed. I didn't realise what this meant to him because I had always had male friends sleep in my bed. My high school friends would never even think of going near me. However, jack got closer and closer until one night he put his arm around my waist. I was confused. I thought they were trying to make me 'one of the boys.' and then this?

I tried to convince myself it was a good thing. He's nice to me most the time I told myself. It was mostly Johnny who did the bullying anyway. I tried to convince myself I did like him but still I never returned the affection. I was terrified of sex then. My first and only time I'd had it before my current partner, Finn, was horrible and questionable over whether it was consensual. It definitely made me never want to do it again. However because I was scared of getting teased by him or Johnny and I didn't want to explain my strange first time I didn't tell him. I would just move further away from him on the bed or hide.

Then one night Johnny came over. I can't remember what we was talking about but somehow he ended up confessing he was falling for me too. And I definitely did not like him that way. I told him I didn't feel the same way. He tried to kiss me but I pushed him away. This made him really upset and he left.

Then this turned into a bloody competition between Johnny and Jack. Like I was a fucking prize. I was so pissed. I hated them. They only cared about proving each other wrong and putting me down when I tried to voice my opinion on things. So I started to hide from them. This was the worst of it because all our classes were together. I locked myself in my room. They would come and ram on the door and go "I know you're in there. Don't be like this Chuck." But I didn't give up. I'd hide at friend's places and around campus. I blamed my bits for it. I was getting teased and put down and excluded for being female. I was being told that is not how you are supposed to act or dress. I had to choose one side. So I wanted badly to be male. They wouldn't be doing this if I was male.

I used to cry and cry and hate my body. It was strange because I wasn't one of those people who had been born hating what I was and I'd only ever heard about true transgender people having this kind of hate since they were born. Yes I called myself Tim for a while and always worn masculine outfits but, I'd never been upset with this body until now. These people were making me upset with it. Of course when you're so focused on it you start to see sexism everywhere. On TV, in advertisements, in casual conversation. I was picking up on things I'd never given a single thought to.

Finally I told my best friend, Demi. She came out to me as gay when we were 12 years old so I knew she would be the best person to talk to. I told her all these thoughts that were going on in my head and she said something that just instantly made me feel ok. I can't remember her exact words but the ones I wrote down summed it up simply. I didn't hate being a women, I hated what society was saying a women should be.

After that I slowly understood Johnny and Jack. These guys grew up without any female friends. None of them had sisters. They had got all their ideas from TV shows and the media and their friends and brother who didn't have any female friends either. So they had built this totally cliché view of what women was. When I came in and showed them we are all the fucking same they must have thought I was a dime in a bloody dozen.

I never hated being female more than I ever did in that year and this most certainly triggered my gender obsession. Yet, if it weren't for this horrible time I wouldn't have figured myself out.

It made me realise I'm not transgender, but I'm not female. I'm not female if that's what society says a female should be. I'm not male either, because societies version of male is just as strangely constructed. I'm somewhere in the middle. Genderfluid, genderqueer, I'm not sure which one but I know I'm nowhere near the edge of that spectrum.

And this comes back to knowing I'm not straight. I've always loved the grey area. I've had girlfriends and boyfriends. I'm attracted especially to transgender people, masculine woman and feminine men. I'm not totally sure why. Maybe because I love the mix of it all. The big fuck you to the patriarchy. The quirkiness and love that comes along with acceptance. I LOVE IT ALL.

And then there is the irony that I have settled for a straight white male and use female pronouns. Well he's mostly white. And mostly straight?

My current partner, Finn, was actually a part of that skateboarding surfer dudes club. He sat in the background, quietly falling for me and as I realised who I really was. As the war settled between the other two and I he gently stepped in.

He loved my masculine and feminine side and I loved his kindness and gentle nature. I also loved that he was neither a surfer nor a skate boarder. He's an illustrator. He drew me pictures of the stories I made up. God I love that guy. Four years later he's still hanging round and not once has he commented on my gender fluid nature because to him it doesn't matter. And it fucking shouldn't.

I've never formally put a label on it. I've never come out other than to Demi, well, at least not in the formal sense. However, I am open if someone asks and if I have a story about an ex-girlfriend or something that does involve my orientation I will tell all without a second thought.

My parents still don't know, it's not that they would disown me or anything but I've always felt that coming out means asking for acceptance. That's a huge and courageous thing to do. I don't at all think wrong of any one in this community who has but personally, I think I shouldn't have to ask for acceptance. Straight people don't come out as straight, so why need I?

Then again, I have the benefit of being in what society considers a normal relationship. I don't mind people referring to me as she. If I was truly male and wanted everyone to refer to me properly or I was in love with a woman things would be different. But at the moment I'm not, so I won't.

I'm pretty sure my parent's already know. Dad has asked my sister plenty of times and my Mum used to constantly ask if I was "sure I liked boys." I said yes. She never asked if I liked girls.

Anyway, moral of this rant is you don't need to put a label on things. And if you do want to put a label on things you don't have adjust your life to fit it. I can feel masculine some days and wear a dress, feminine others and wear a suit. You don't need to ask for acceptance or come out if you don't want to but if you do I wish you love and good luck. Who you are shouldn't be defined by other people. It's defined by you.

I hope my self discovery helps. Have a good day.

- Chuck.