《LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 1》Two Billion Germs
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Ever since I was little, I knew that I barely had an emotional capacity. I don't normally emit feelings, and I definitely don't understand other people's feelings.
Sure, I can laugh, and I get pissed a lot, but I'm basically a robot.
See, I have a form of Autism called Aspergers. I can't socialize well, sympathize with people, or react correctly to affection.
That last one hits me hard to this day.
At first, I never had issues with anything love-related. I figured that I was just a late bloomer (despite the fact I was the only fifth grader with C cups and a period).
The summer before fifth grade, I had my first kiss. I felt neutral about it. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but I didn't feel a spark.
The summer after, I had my first boyfriend, who ended up being a verbally abusive prick. I actually ended up punching him because I was so mad.
I returned to school, and my boy-crazy friends were (of course) obsessing over their crushes.
"I like Tyler!"
"I like Preston!"
"I like Nash Grier!"
You get it...
Anyway, I needed to quickly come up with a fake crush. It wasn't like anything could actually spark, because I had blue hair and wore (basically orange) concealer that made me look like an emo clone of Donald Trump.
So, I ended up picking an easy candidate for this fake crush.
His name was Luke, and he was a star baseball player with the charm and whatnot that made him popular with girls.
It felt horrible lying to my friends, but I needed to start liking someone. It didn't even matter if I was gay or straight, as long as I wanted SOMETHING.
For months, I faked the crush, but that wasn't all I did to try to force romance and sexuality on myself.
I was an atheist back then, so I decided to watch porn (now I would forbid myself regardless) to force myself to get turned on.
But none of it WORKED.
I eventually gave in.
I was asexual.
As for romance?
Just don't transfer 2 billion germs via kiss! Hugs only!
My name is Taylor, I'm 13, and I'm an asexual aromantic Christian.
I also happen to be a survivor of over the counter drug abuse.
And coming to that conclusion is my milestone.
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