《LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 1》I love people
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By
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It's around 3:30 AM, and I'm writing this in sort of an emotional moment so I'm sorry if my English and grammar suck since it's not my first language. I didn't expect to share until I read the other entries, and as my eyes welled up I knew this was something I wanted to do as well, maybe it will make me feel empowered. God knows I need to.
I am pansexual.
I've known this from the moment I read the word and its meaning. I was sitting in front of my computer, with my fingers trembling, scared to even blink. Something filled up in my chest and I spent the next half hour hiding in the bathroom, trying to breathe.
My family are Catholic and my father used to be extremely homophobic. I remember him telling me once that Elton John ruined himself by being gay. Therefore this revelation did not bring me any comfort at first. My parents are my world, and the fear that plagued me at them finding out, gutted me.
I feel like people around me often think, if you like boys too then what's the problem. I wish controlling my heart was as easy as that.
I had my first proper crush in fifth grade. He was a boy. I had my second crush in eighth grade. She was a girl. I can't help who I like, and it took me a long time to respect and love that side of me. I've never been able to truly commit to a relationship, cause I never truly accepted myself, I couldn't love this side of me that my most important people couldn't.
Gender doesn't matter to me. I didn't realize it was a thing that mattered to some people when I was younger.
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Realizing your different doesn't always happen the same way for everyone. For me it came in the form of always knowing I was pansexual first, even though I didn't know what it was called, and then realizing the world didn't accept it as I grew older.
I come from a country where being anything other than straight can get you in the kind of trouble where you end up in the hospital. People out there think they can change me? They are welcome to try, I don't think they could top the mental torture I already used inflict on myself on a day to day basis. It's not something you can or should change- it took me maybe ten years to get this through my own head.
My lowest point was when I was molested at twelve, I was just disgusted with everything about myself. I didn't join any online support group, I didn't make friends in the same situation. I just shut myself in. I didn't want anyone to know, no matter who they were. Everything and anything sexual was a turn off, I guess this just encouraged my self hate.
Until.
Until one day I looked my very straight sister in the eye and said it.
I am pansexual.
And she replied.
I know.
And I loved her so much, for the gentleness behind those words, the love. The acceptance that I struggle with, that she gave me with just two words.
Coming out to me feels like pushing a heavy weight on my chest down deeper and deeper. The anticipation is so raw, that I can hear my heart in my ears as I wait to be judged. That suffocating panic. Will you still love me? That's always the silent question. I become hyper aware and can hear all the underlying tones. Especially with my sister, who I grew up with, I just needed to hear her voice to know. That she didn't care about who I loved, her loving me wasn't set on that.
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That is my milestone. That was the first time, since that day I hid in the toilet- I felt like I could breathe a little. My sister is still the only person who knows, maybe one day I'll tell more people and I'll be able to breathe a little more.
I'm a dependent person. I can't do the whole be strong for myself thing. I'm a little bit of an attention seeker. I've always needed people to like me, to love me. That's why that moment, when I decided to love myself a little, and tell someone, will always be a moment that gives me strength.
I've decided to tell more people this year, maybe one day, I'll be strong enough to say it to my dad.
Dad, I love people.
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