.

Judith Lewis Herman

Orson Scott Card

Ender's Game

• •

It began again. The horror of everything blurred in my mind, incomprehensible and painstakingly traumatic. My breathing became shallow and strangled, my suppressed emotion bursting through just to be drowned out by the roaring howl of the wind. At least this time, no one could see me crying. This had been a set up - Xavier had spun an elaborate lie, in the end acting like my friend only just to stab me in the back. I didn't think that it was possible for the horror to mount but time and time again it did, in new and more tormenting ways. Each time someone else betrayed me I would get a sudden pain in my chest, the panic constricting my airways, the horror sparking undulating thrills of fear through me.

I wanted to run away. Make a break for it and escape into the freezing night and get to safety, but this was a scheme calculated by Tom Riddle himself. Despite everything Xavier Malfoy was really only just a puppet Tom was using to do his bidding. Nowhere was safe. The area had to have been magically fortified, an array of enchantments and curses must have been put in place to notify those bastards that I was there. How else could Tom possibly know I was here with them? Guesswork wasn't Tom's strength, knowledge was.

I wasn't stupid enough to risk throwing myself to the wolves of my own conscious volition, so I decided that I wasn't going to show myself. The initiation they all had planned was a one way trip to Hell, a trip that I could avoid if I was very careful.

Very close at hand, Xavier and Tom stood tall and pale like sentinels, but it was Tom whose presence commanded both power and attention and it was him that I was watching closely, those sharp eyes gleaming in the darkness, several times roving over the place I stood. I knew that if I so much as put a foot out of line it would be Tom Riddle who would know about it first.

"She's playing her cards well, I will give her that." He said thoughtfully, in a voice a little louder than the wind.

Hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak a short distance away, I hardly dared to breathe.

"Tom. We have waited out here in the School grounds for over half an hour." Xavier did not sound impressed. "How much longer are we going to stand around doing nothing while-"

"Duty often means that you are required to do what you do not want to do." Tom cut across him sharply. "Have you forgotten how I trained you? Is this-" Tom made a single, fluid gesture to the rain clouds above them - "Is this really the test that pushes your endurance beyond breaking point?"

A chill trickled down my spine. Tom's anger deeply disturbed me, however his anger toward Xavier was nothing compared to what I knew was in store for me. This was my initiation I was trying to escape from. If this night ended in Tom's favour, I would have lost everything.

Even if I didn't die, if things went badly I knew I would want to die. At least, more than I did now. I tried to think about an escape route from where I was standing but I couldn't think clearly at all, as if there was a blockage in my brain.

A fork of lightning illuminated the sky followed by a deep rumble of thunder. My knees knocked together, the freezing wind and rain were making me tremble with cold, the rain had drenched me head to toe and there was no way in Hell I was stupid enough to try and make a break for the Castle right now even though that's the direction my mind was going.

"Tom?" A woman's voice broke the tension and both wizards looked up to see who was approaching them.

Xavier chuckled lowly, Tom looked up with a bemused look to see who had inquired of him.

Professor Pickerell strode into view, soaking wet from the rain but with a fixedly determined look on her pale face.

"We've scowered the perimeter, she hasn't crossed our protective enchantments at all which could only mean..."

"That she is still out here." Tom said flatly. "Well, that much was obvious."

"Well," Xavier scoffed. "I don't know about the rest of you but I know I'm not going to wait out here in the damn storm for Hermione to show herself. Who knows, we could be waiting out here all night. We've already wasted a lot of time, and it isn't as if we can hold the staff body off for much longer."

"Hold off the staff body?" Tom repeated in a mocking tone. "None of the teachers would have noticed anything. As for Hermione, you do not know her like I do. She wouldn't want to reveal herself to anyone except for me."

A coldness that had nothing to do with the heavy rains settled into the pit of my stomach. Tom was so assured of what I would do, the self assurance and god complex staining his every word. I didn't know what he had in store, but something was making me highly uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because he was correct - I wouldn't show myself to anyone else but him, and if I was going to announce my presence it would be only before my arch nemesis and to no one else.

"All of you, leave at once and go back to the School." He said, voice raised over the roaring winds. "There is one last thing I must do alone before I can join you."

Everyone looked happy to be told to leave, and began rushing back up the wet, grassy slope and back to the Great Hall without a single moment of hesitation. I looked on from afar longingly, wishing more than anything I could run away with them back to safety. I only dared to stare directly at Tom once they had all left.

Tom stood with his head bowed, droplets of rain falling down his face and down his black cloak. From a distance, he looked like a fallen angel, contemplative yet mourning, standing alone and still in the darkness. On his face those fine pale features were giving no emotion away.

"My order was addressed to everyone." He looked up with a blank eyed expression, staring at someone in the distance who I couldn't see. "Or perhaps you were not listening."

Panic hitched in my throat, and for a second I thought he was talking to me. And then...

"I'm sorry..." Professor Pickerell stepped forward out of the shadows, and I breathed a sigh of relief that Tom wasn't talking to me. I watched the situation closely. Upon closer inspection, I could see from the expression on her face that the rejection of Tom's words had stung badly. "I was only trying to help." She said in a rush. "Why are you out here alone? Do you need me to do anything?"

"I do not require your help." Tom said harshly. "Why do you insist on pestering me when you know exactly what my answer will be each time?"

Of course. Anyone who knew anything about Tom Riddle knew he was self sufficient, only highly dependent on himself. He absolutely hated the idea of anyone aiding him in any way at all. I watched this all unfold, too emotionally drained to feel anything. It didn't appear to take long for Professor Pickerell to get the hint, I watched as she turned and walked solemnly back up to the School, slower than usual for apparent dramatic effect.

Tom wasn't paying her any attention, though. He was back to his quiet, almost meditative state beneath the pouring rain, focusing not on the weather but on the sheer possibility that I was about to step out of the unknown and directly into his line of fire.

I kept silent, knowing this was the best strategy for me to utilise at this point. Lately, I had noticed my breathing becoming irregular whenever Tom's name was mentioned or he was around. A trauma response. I was close to having a panic attack whenever he was near me. Not uncommon for victims of trauma, but this was even more dangerous now, when I had to not be exposed.

I didn't want to hear anything he had to say, particularly because I was already very upset and a panic attack would give me away. Remaining very silent, I could only wait in a silent yet stressful apprehension for my arch enemy to make the first move. My thoughts were slowing within my mind, I couldn't think straight even if I wanted to. I simply stood there and waited.

I didn't have to wait for long.

"You disappoint me." Tom spoke. Looking up, his dark eyes glittered as they scanned the perimeter. "I thought that you were out here. Perhaps I was mistaken."

You're not.

I closed my eyes, attempting to control my breathing for a second. My thoughts were moving very slowly through my mind, everything was so foggy. And then I realised.

I can't let him know where I am.

I was a powerful witch, I had dozens of pages of defensive theory memorized for such a moment like this.

He couldn't possibly know where I was.

There were no loopholes here. Tom was just lying through his teeth once again.

Nothing new.

"I suppose you know by now why I have arranged a gathering out here in the grounds tonight," Tom said conversationally. "This is your initiation. This is my extending hand, reaching out and welcoming you into my inner circle of familiars."

Familiars? I frowned. Death Eaters.

"Consider this as a honour. I have chosen you. I have hand picked you out from the rest. Despite our recent... differences I have chosen this path for you, knowing that in the end it will be for the greater good, ensuring you a future on my side. The winning side. Soon you will see things as I do, but until then I will be using all methods of force within my power to further my agenda. Remember Hermione, there is only one ideology which will withstand the course of time, and that is not yours, it is mine."

In the rain, I saw the flash of his blinding smile in the dark. I had no idea why he thought any of this was funny. He was assuming I was going to give in, which was why it was imperative to not.

It was a small comfort, standing here in the freezing rain and howling winds, and be able to hang onto one tiny spark of rebellion. In the shelter of the invisibility cloak, I smiled too.

"There has been a few other students like you who have all tried their hand at beginning a resistance against me. For the most part, I was entertained. And then, after a while it all became very annoying."

I wondered if Tom had any idea of what it felt like to be out here getting hunted down like a wild animal during open season. Not fun.

Annoying.

"I gave you many chances. But this time I will be merciless. Yes, you have been given more chances than most. But my generosity ends tonight. You have communicated to me more than enough times that you stand in opposition to me and my plans. However, despite everything you will do to prevent me, I will succeed and see to it that the wizarding world will be cleansed of all malformations and rise before any person could gather the strength needed to sabotage it."

The wind howled around us, the rain hammering down loudly. Both of us were absolutely drenched, defiance the key motivator to continue in this discomfort.

"You will give in." Tom said softly. "I am certain you will."

Never I thought.

"Not long now." He continued. "I'll give it about five minutes." He smiled to himself like the entire thing was a joke. He wasn't even looking at me, giving me the impression he wasn't guessing at all. He was serious, he really was certain.

What the hell did he mean? Surely he knew I wasn't going to give up without a fight.

From within the sleeve of his cloak, his pale hand emerged, I knew it was his wand hand by the sheer amount of times I had seen him attempt to curse me and found no comfort in seeing the wand now.

I stepped back involuntarily, drawing my own in swift response, my wand hand shaking. He was a master at non spoken incantations, I had to be vigilant. I had to be ready to fight at a split seconds notice.

My heart raced, a feeling of nausea combined with fear coming over me. I felt very detached from myself. I kept my wand hand elevated, the very end of my wand protruding from the cloak and directed at Tom. I was concealed in darkness, he wouldn't see me.

He just stood there very calmly in the rain, waiting. Minutes passed, with me just standing there staring at him. He couldn't attack me beneath my defences. If his plan was to wait to see when I would give in, he would be waiting forever.

And yet...

Just watching Tom standing there alone with that contemplative look tugged at something deep within me.

Familiarity. I knew that look. I had seen it on many occasions.

He looked as if waiting for the masterstroke of his plan to come into fruition.

I watched him closely. Minutes passed. I scanned the perimeter warily but no one was approaching, we were both still the only ones out here. I was trembling from the cold and from standing stock still in the icy winds. The rain had drenched me despite the shelter of the Invisibility Cloak. I had to find something to focus on, asides my tormentor. My eyes settled on a small red flower growing in the grass beside where Tom stood. I focused my energy into concentrating on it, honing in on one tiny good thing in an otherwise perpetual disaster.

Don't think about anything else. Just focus on the flower.

However my peaceful reverie came to a sudden halt when Tom stepped to the side, crushing the flower beneath his foot.

I looked up. He was standing there smiling, looking very much alert as though anticipating something right at this very moment.

"I was the one who told you to remain concealed from me until I gave you the word, Hermione." He said, with the tone of someone about to reach a staggering conclusion. "You are under the Confundus Charm, and have been since you gave away your hiding place here in the grounds when I was talking to Xavier Malfoy. With difficulty I succeeded in tearing down your defences using non verbal incantations. I wanted you to understand the scope of my power. Even when you think you're winning, I am. You may believe otherwise, but it can and will never be the case."

I felt Tom's words crash over me. I couldn't feel anything. I stepped backward, breathing heavily under the Cloak.

He's lying.

"I assure you, I'm not." Tom responded to my thought, amused. "Being the one who has the authority over you now, I am the one controlling your mind. I was the one who commanded that you do not run away. Listening to the rebellious inner monologue you have in your head was rather illuminating. I didn't tell you this. There would've been no point. You're held captive within the effects of the charm. You're listening, but you can't really hear me. Being a very powerful wizard has its setbacks, of course. I would have liked to see your reaction. To see if you would have run, or even perhaps dared to duel me."

I blinked, my eyes suddenly focusing on the crushed red flower on the ground.

It was like someone had turned on a switch in my mind, that heaviness in my mind had returned with Tom's words accompanying it, chasing me deep down into my well of pain and misery.

"Drop the concealment spell, or whatever you are concealing yourself behind." Tom told me. "I already know where you are, therefore hiding is futile."

I grabbed one end of the Invisibility Cloak and tugged. I wasn't going to let myself think about Harry's Invisibility Cloak, it wasn't safe to. Just like that, I was out in the open.

Vulnerable.

Tom's eyes locked onto mine instantly, so cunning and yet so wickedly dark. It was this that i was aware of, then the icy feeling of the rain hitting my bare skin, the icy whip of the wind lashing me with its chill.

"Excellent, and now for the best part." Tom said sadistically. "Your initiation." He stepped forward to grab hold of my arm, and I raised my wand in defense causing Tom to appear momentarily surprised before he yanked my wand easily out of my hand.

"Trying to fight me is pointless." He said calmly. "My charm is too powerful." He pocketed my wand and began dragging me toward the direction of the Forbidden Forest, his cold hand locked around my wrist.

I froze.

"Walk." He commanded.

I could feel myself being directed towards my fate, I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself which terrified me. I was aware of what was happening, but my mind was moving so slowly it was as if it was at war against reality.

Fight it, Hermione! My mind screeched. He's going to kill you!

"Witches," Tom sighed, "Are so dramatic. I'm not going to kill you. Although, in saying that, before this night ends you will certainly wish that you were."