Roman was staring at me. Not in the way he usually does, with curiosity and a hint of lust.

Not even in the way he stares at me when he uncovers another one of my lies. No, he was staring at me like I was robot who wasn't following the command they were programmed to do.

Likely because I was frozen. I don't think I moved an inch, not even to blink. When his words met my ears they stunned me. The memories of that night came flashing back, the feeling of the water seeping into the air around us as we crept through that narrow passage. The anger of Jesse cutting those buoys. The feeling the next morning, Jesse's words ringing through my ears.

We did this, Lilly. We killed someone.

"Lilac?" Roman finally asked, caution lacing his voice.

"Huh?" I shook my head, glancing up at him and meeting his eyes. They were narrowed as he observed me. "Sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry about your brother."

"Thanks, Lilac. Hey, you okay?" He asked me. In that second I noticed his fingers has stopped their comforting movements on my legs, and it was like I realized I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here at all. I yanked my legs from his body, causing him to jump.

"I'm fine," I told him blankly, the emotion was gone from my voice. I pulled my body off the sofa, walking backwards away from him. "I, um, you know I forgot I actually have to go. I have, um, I have things to do right now. My mom needs me at home."

"Wait," Roman got off the couch, following me slowly. "What's wrong Lilac?"

"No, no... nothing is wrong," I faltered out. My feet never stopped moving, they were intent on getting to the door and getting the hell out of here. I couldn't be here. I couldn't be around Roman. No, he can't be around me. He doesn't deserve to be around a person like me.

"Stop," Roman called out, "what did I say? What freaked you out? Is it about my brother? You don't need to feel bad, I didn't expect you to know."

I closed my eyes as he said the words, feeling like I was just punched in the gut. He didn't know what he was saying. He didn't understand. I did need to feel bad. I needed to feel a lot worse than bad.

"I'm sorry, Roman. I have to go," I choked out, the panic I was feeling finally showing in my voice. It was strained, like I was trying to speak through a closed throat.

"Let me drive you at least. Lilac, please, I don't understand what's going on. Let me take you home. If something freaked you out, that's fine. You don't even have to tell me, it's okay. But let me be here for you," Roman said as he reached out to me again, but I turned my body sharply so he didn't touch me.

"I said no!" I raised my voice, hoping I got through to him. I couldn't take him being a nice guy anymore. I wished he would go back to what I used to know him as, the cocky guy who only wanted to punch my fake boyfriend in the face. That was the problem though, wasn't it? Roman wasn't that guy anymore. Maybe he never was.

"Okay," Roman stopped his movements instantly. "Okay, I'm sorry. Just... will you call me later. Can I put my number in your phone?"

I didn't answer him, I just threw his front door open instead. I could hear him saying something else as I ran down the hallway to the elevator. I wasn't listening, I was only praying he wouldn't follow me. I pushed the button three times in haste, my heart thumping as I watched the indicator screen flashing above the steel doors. Once they opened, I ran into the elevator, closing my eyes as I leaned against the metal wall.

I didn't allow myself to succumb to my thoughts until I was seated on the city bus. I picked a seat in the back, relieved that it was almost empty. There was no one to see me bury my head in my hands, cursing myself and my own life. My own stupid decisions, my own stupid choices. I knew one way or the other they would ruin my life. But, even worse, I always knew that they had ruined someone else's. Besides mine, besides Clara's. Besides Jesse and Brett and Khalil. I knew our choices would be the end of us.

But I always knew that they were the end of someone else, too. I had never looked at the face of the person who lost their life. I had trained my eyes to stay away from the pictures they showed in the articles and the news segments. I knew if I saw who it was, who lost their lives due to our selfish and stupid behaviour, I'd see them in my nightmares. I'd see them when I closed my eyes, I'd see them when I couldn't breathe.

Yet, for some reason I had never thought about the other people who's lives were destroyed that day. I had forgotten that person had people who loved them, and people who they loved. I had forgotten they had family and friends. Did I ruin their lives too? Did I ruin Roman's life?

I could have called. I should have called the police the second we got off the boat. The second they threw those buoys off the cliffs, the second we watched them crash down the waterfall. I could have called them. I could have saved Roman's brother.

But I didn't.

The girl of Roman's dreams, the girl who had murdered his brother. We were the same. He would never forgive me. He'd never love me. He'd never show me the things he told me he'd show me. He'd never heal me.

How could he heal me, when I'm the one who destroyed him?

Was this what Khalil was trying to tell me? Was this what his secret meetings were about? Was this what the article he left me would say? Would it tell me that the guy we killed was the brother of the guy who I had sex with last night? It didn't make sense, Khalil couldn't know. No one knew that I was entering that territory with Roman. Even I didn't know what was going to happen. But what else could it be?

When the bus stopped close to my house, I bounded through the doors with new found determination. I needed to find that article. I needed to read it and find out what Khalil was trying to tell me. I needed to figure this out, and I needed to do it before Jesse figured it out first.

My chest was tight as I jogged down the sidewalk, the air going through my lungs was sharp like it didn't belong there. I unlocked my front door, thanking the heavens my mom wasn't home to question what I was doing.

Once I was in my room, I pulled the drawer that I hidden the article in so hard it detached from the dresser. I placed the now singular drawer on my bed, tearing through the underwear and the balled up pairs of socks as I looked for it. My panic only increased when I couldn't find it.

"Looking for something?" I heard Jesse's voice, causing me to jump backwards so quickly I'm surprised I didn't fall to my feet.

I turned my head in his direction, the first thing I noticed was the purple bruise that was now the main feature of his usually handsome face. It was cut in the certain places, traces of blood still clinging to his discoloured skin. His hair was dishevelled, his clothes were wrinkled. It was clear he hasn't slept, it was clear he had been waiting here for me.

I took a deep breath, realizing at once that he was the reason I couldn't find the article. He had found it first. He now knew whatever Khalil was trying to tell me.

"I, um," I stuttered, finding my balance as I took a couple of steps back from him. "Why are you looking through my things?"

Jesse chuckled, his eyes darkened as he walked toward me. "I think the better question is why are you lying to your boyfriend?"

"You're not my fucking boyfriend, Jesse," I surprised myself by saying. "You can't keep blackmailing me into being with you! I don't want this anymore. I'm tired of this. I don't even understand why you want this. Does this make you happy? Knowing that I don't want you, that I don't love you but forcing me to be with you anyways?"

I was even further surprised that Jesse only kept laughing. He was acting like my words were something you would hear at a comedy club. "Does this have anything to do with your new friend?"

"What?" I blurted instantly, "what new friend?"

"You know," Jesse smiled coyly at me, "the one you were with last night."

"I was with Clara last night," I lied, my stomach feeling with dread.

"No, Lilly, you weren't. You were with that guy, the boxer," Jesse's eyes were twinkling, probably with pride that he had figured out my secret.

"Did you figure it out yet?" Jesse asking me, raising his eyebrows.

"You knew?" I asked him, shocked. He couldn't be saying what I thought he was saying. "You knew about his brother?"

"Of course I did. Let me guess, you also didn't know that I knew you've been sneaking around with him." Jesse shrugged, "I knew, Lilly. I knew the whole time."

"How?" I asked him, shaking my head.

"That, you don't need to know. But, you see now... it's over between you two, right? You can't be with him. You can't be with anyone. You can only be with me. You realize that right?" Jesse asked me, and it made me sick that he sounded so joyous.

"No, Jesse. No. I'm not being with you. I don't believe you're going to tell anyone. I'm calling your bluff. Please," I looked into his eyes, he was blurry from the wetness inside them, "please just leave me alone. Let me be. I'm begging you."

Jesse's lips pointed downwards as he stared back at me, and for a second I thought he held compassion in his eyes. But once again, I should have known. Jesse's not capable of that.

"I sent you something. Have you checked your phone?" Jesse asked me, ignoring my pleading.

My face fell as I realized he would never listen to me. He'd never let me leave. He'd never understand.

"Check it." Jesse ordered when I didn't move or answer.

I sighed, closing my eyes which allowed the tears to escape down my face. I opened my phone, seeing the text message from Jesse on my Home Screen.

I clicked on it in confusion, noticing it was a video. I pressed play, feeling the bile rise to my throat as I recognized the things in the videos instantly. It was only 3 seconds long, so I clicked play again. And again. And again.

There was Khalil's boat. There were the six buoys. And there was me.

And only me.