My feet were rooted to the floor, like the same glue that had metaphorically stuck my feet to the bottom of the pool, was on them now. Except, instead of looking up at people having fun above me, I was looking up at a situation that I couldn't avoid, yet wished desperately I could.

There was only one path to take, I knew that. Even if I turned around now, and headed right back out of my front door, I would still have to take the same path. I would see have to deal with Jesse, be it right now, in a hour, or in a day. I might be able to find a detour, but eventually, the roads all merge together. My destination was Jesse. That's all my destination would ever be. Now, in this particular situation, and every other one I could come to think of.

So, in knowing there was nothing I could do to avoid this, I took a deep breath. I looked up at the stairs, trying to convince my mind to go to the same place I forced it to go when I was actually dating Jesse.

Those times when he got mad at me for looking at another boy, or when I wore a skirt that was too short for his liking, or when he lost a football game and felt the need to take it out on me. Whenever his voice reached that cold and cruel tone, I made my mind go to my favourite place.

It was the day my mom called in sick to her shift at the hospital. I was twelve years old, and my mom let me take the day off school. She didn't have a destination in mind as she began to drive out of the city, but we didn't care. We listened to old songs and we let the windows come all the way down. We drove until the day become dusk, the wind wrapping around our heads from the open windows, the music loud enough that I couldn't hear myself think.

Finally, when the sky turned pink and the clouds were tinged with orange, she pulled over. Right there, on the side of that highway, we sat on the hood of the car and we watched that beautiful sunrise.

Everything was quiet as she held me and stroked my hair, and I remember thinking this is what life is about. That moment when the worries of your mind become quiet and you sit there and you see what is in front of you. It was the best day of my life.

So I focused on that memory until my mind became calm again. When that calmness trickled down from my mind, like a stream gently descending down a hill, into my skin and into my body, I began to climb the stairs. I didn't pause when I reached my door, I just pushed it open, ready to accept my fate. After all, I was the cause of this, wasn't I? If I had made better choices, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be dealing with this. But I didn't, so I had to.

"Where were you?" Jesse's voice greeted me, before the door had even fully opened.

"Hi." I muttered, avoiding the question. Jesse was sitting on my bed, and the way the sheets were dishevelled made me question how long he's been waiting for me.

"Don't hi me Lilly. Where were you?" Jesse spat out at me, and I instantly had a gauge on how angry he was. Usually he tries to hide that vicious tone until he can't help but let it ring free. Not today though, he started with it today.

"I was babysitting, I told you that." I turned away from him, trying to hide my face. I kept that picture in my mind from before, the one of that beautiful sunset my mom and I watched.

"So, why was Clara at some weird warehouse?" Jesse asked me, and I had to control my breathing when I heard him rise from the bed. "And why weren't you answering any of my calls?"

"She didn't want to babysit, and I didn't have any service." I let out immediately, silently thanking Clara for preparing me.

I bit down on my bottom lip when I felt Jesse's body behind mine. I knew what was coming, after all, but I still had to prepare myself. I closed my eyes when I felt his grip on my arm. He wasn't even pretending to be gentle this time.

"Don't lie to me." Jesse said at the same time he increased pressure in his grasp. I blew a breath out at the sudden pain, the stinging friction that his fingertips were causing on my bare arm.

"I'm not, Jesse." I told him quickly, hoping to diffuse the situation.

I guess it didn't work though, because he used his strength to pull me backwards. Though I stumbled, he kept me from falling, until he whipped me around and let go, causing me to tumble onto the floor. I let out a gasp of pain at the force of my body hitting the hard, wooden floor.

"You better not be." Jesse mumbled at me. He stood there for just a moment, gazing at me. I could tell what he was doing, he was trying to decide how much further he could get away with. He knelt down in front of me, and he grabbed my chin with his fingers.

"I love you. You know that. I love you Lilly, I have for so long." Jesse told me, before he pushed my face away from him, causing my head to flick violently from the side. "I don't know why you're fighting this so hard. If you just did what I asked, we could be so happy."

His words sunk into me like needles into a strip of fabric, tearing through the very fibres I was made of. I cursed myself as a tear fell from my eye, dripping down my face until it fell on the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging them with my arms. I looked up at him, and I said something I knew I would come to regret.

"You don't love me Jesse, you just think you do. You wouldn't treat me like this if you loved me. You love the idea of me. You don't love me. You hate me, and I wished you realized that." I whispered out, almost praying that it wasn't loud enough for him to hear me.

"How can you say that to me? You think I hate you? Lilly, I do everything for you. If I hated you, would I try so hard to protect you? Would I do everything I'm doing to keep you from going to jail? You're too stupid to know what love it. That's why they say you shouldn't date girls with daddy issues, they can't receive love because they never got it from their dads. I should have listened." Jesse smirked at the words, knowing just how much of sore spot my father was.

"Trust me, Lilly, if I find out you're lying, you're going to regret it." Jesse stood up from his kneeling position, and he walked towards my door.

"Oh, by the way. Remember that hair scrunchie you were so worked up about? The one you couldn't find? The red one? I found it. Or rather, Brett's dad did. I guess it fell off when we were on the boat, got caught in the rocks. He asked Brett if he recognized it." Jesse said casually, turning back to look at me. I guess the fear on my face was satisfying to him, because his smile grew even larger.

I buried my head in my knees as he left my room. I didn't raise it until I heard my front door slam. I felt the panic rising in me again. My red scrunchie, fuck, my red scrunchie. I knew I had lost it that night. I was worried about where I had lost it, and I guess now I know. I lost it in the worst place I could have possibly lost it. I lost it at the only place I didn't want to be linked too. No, the only place I couldn't be linked to.

My chest was getting tight again, and I was losing the ability to be able to breathe. I got off my feet, catching a sight of myself in my mirror. I didn't recognize the girl staring back at me, with her hair wild and makeup smeared across her face. I didn't attempt to fix my appearance, though.

I left my house, not bothering to lock the door behind me. I ran as fast I could manage, desperately seeking the calm that I knew my mural would bring me. I didn't pause to look around my surroundings as I lowered myself on the sidewalk, in the same place I always sit.

But, as I looked up at my mural, the calmness didn't immediately come, as I'm used to. Instead, confusion bubbled inside of me. Confusion, because instead of the lily I'm used to seeing, in the hands of the beautiful faceless woman, was a lilac branch.

And even more curiously, it wasn't purple, as lilacs usually are. The flowers were white.