The phrase waking up in a panic has never meant much to me, until two months ago.

I didn't wake up in a panic the night after the so called prank. I woke up in Jesse's arms, the warmth of our bodies pressed together causing me to overheat. I wasn't panicked that morning, because there wasn't yet anything to be panicked about. It wasn't that day that our worlds fell apart. It wasn't that day that the secrets and the lies began.

The next morning, however, is when the panic started. After we heard the news, after the headlines about the fatal boat crash emerged. That's when the panic started. That's when the gravity of the situation started to kick in. Knowing that we caused a death, whether I was the one to play the prank or not. I was there, I had been a part of it. I caused that death, too.

And I had been waking up in a panic most days since then. Not only with the fear of someone finding out what happened, but the heavy elephant of the fact it had happened at all sitting on top of my morality. It was crushing, that knowledge. It crushed me more and more, every single day.

Today was no different. The moment the sun shined onto my skin, and I could sense the brightness even in my sleep, I sat up straight, clutching my chest. Feeling the weight of my never ending bad decisions. It took me only a second to register the fact I wasn't in my room. I glanced around at the expensive furniture surrounding me, at the same time I felt the pulsation of pain plague my head.

I closed my eyes, trying to fight the specific sick feeling in my head that only comes the morning after I drink too much. At the same time, the memories of last night shot through my brain. Clara, the fight, Samuel. Brett and Jesse finding out we lied. Roman. Roman. Roman.

I felt my stomach do a loop as the last words he said to me last night floated into my mind. If you were sober, you'd be in my bed, and you'd be naked.

Blush rose in my cheeks as I remembered the way he said it. He sounded like he meant it. He said it like a promise. And part of me wished he would follow through. Part of me wished that I had stayed sober last night. I thought about how it might have played out. I thought about how Roman would be in bed. If he could make my skin burst into flames by just a simple touch... how hot would I be if he really touched me?

I shook the slight excitement that had built through me at the thought away. I couldn't focus on this right now. I needed to find my dumbass of a best friend, and drag her ass out of this apartment.

I tossed the same white blanket that Roman had laid on me last night off my legs. As I heaved myself off the couch, I looked towards the hallway. There was only two doors, and I decided to try my luck on the one closest to me. I walked up to it, only hesitating a second before banging my fist against it.

"Clara, get your fucking clothes on!" I yelled, continuing my banging. "We have to leave!"

I heard movement behind the door, but no response, so I continued.

"I don't care if you're having the best sex of your life, you need to get your ass..." I screamed, but I was interrupted by the door swinging open. The motion of me flinging my fist into the door caused me to stumble a few steps forward.

The person who answered, wasn't Clara. That much was clear by the chiseled chest my hand was now laying on. I had flung my hand forward in attempt to save myself from falling. I looked up, feeling my breath hitch as a shirtless Roman stared back at me.

"Best sex of your life?" He mused, running his hand through his hair. "If that's what you're looking for, Lilac, I can certainly help you with that."

He tilted his head at me, the grin on his mouth growing larger every second that I didn't answer. Until, finally, he looked down to my hand, which was still touching him. Instantly I ripped it off him, taking a few steps back.

"I need to leave." I muttered, trying to advert my eyes from his insanely sculpted body. I knew he was ripped, I had seen the evidence when he was boxing last night. But somehow, being only a couple of inches away from it was a completely different sight. It was a crime to have a body like that, I decided.

"Okay." Roman said as his grin fell from his lips. "I can drive you."

"No. It's okay. I'll get Clara to call a car." I rushed out. My mind was confused, I think, and spending any more time in a confined space with Roman would only make me more confused.

"I'm here. I'm ready." Clara interrupted us. I turned around, and found her standing in front of the other door, which was now opened. Clara was a complete mess. Her hair was shooting in every which way possible, her makeup was smudged, and her shirt was on backwards.

"Good morning." Samuel said as he appeared behind her. He wrapped his arms around Clara's waist, whispering something into her ear. I let out a small scoff, rolling my eyes and walking back down the hallway. I decided I would stand at the door, until she was ready, like a child who was waiting for their mom to stop chatting with her friend at the grocery store.

After only a few minutes, Clara made her way to me at the door. She was glowing, and I couldn't deny it. She looked like she had had new life transfused in her, and for a second it made me jealous. She was sparkling again, but I was still dull.

Maybe I would never sparkle again.

Samuel followed close behind her, and he opened the door for us when he reached it. Clara gave him a look that I could decipher, a look that was only meant for him, which he answered with a quick wink. She waltzed into the hallway, and I was about to follow her, but a quick tug on my elbow pulled me back.

I spun around to find Roman. He still had his grip on one of my arms, and his other arm mirrored the action, so he was holding onto me completely. I looked up at his face, surprised to see him looking as serious as the day Clara had hit his car.

"Before you go, Lilac, let me ask you one thing." He told me, staring at me in the eyes.

"What?" I asked him dumbly, like those eyes of his had put me in a trance.

"Do you love him?" Roman surprised me by asking.

"Do I love who?" I asked him, needing clarification.

Roman's serious face mused into one of amusement, as if I had already told him the answer he wanted to hear. "Your boyfriend."

I felt my mouth open, as I was trying to find the words to say. I could lie, of course. I could lie to Roman and say, yes, I'm so in love with him. But I didn't want to, and I didn't know why I didn't want to.

"That's all I needed to know." Roman said, letting go of my arms. His smile had grown, and his eyes were shining. He looked perfectly content with the fact I didn't answer at all. Though, I guess, by not answering immediately, it was an answer.

I walked out of the apartment even more confused than when I woke up.

Clara was quiet as we climbed into the Uber, though I could tell she didn't want to be. I knew she was desperate to tell me each and every sexual detail of what had happened last night, but she was refraining. She was refraining because she knew my mind was only going to be occupied with one thing. What the hell were we going to tell Brett and Jesse?

"I know what you're thinking," Clara started, obviously seeing the wheels in my mind begin to spin. "I already thought of the perfect lie."

"Really? When did you have time to do that?" I asked her, shooting her a look of doubt.

"I can multitask. So, just say I bailed on babysitting. They don't know you were with me. Just tell Jesse that the house you were babysitting at didn't have service and the parents got back really late." Clara explained, and I listened to her, I realized it wasn't a bad plan.

I nodded my head, agreeing with her. The driver pulled up to my house, and I opened the door before looking back at her. "You going to be okay, you know, dealing with Brett?"

Clara's mouth turned up mischievously, like she knew she had nothing to worry about. "I'm not scared of Brett. Call me later, okay?"

I nodded again, closing the door and walking up to my house. Now I just had to deal with my mom. The house was quiet as I unlocked the door, trying my best to make no noise as I crept in. My efforts weren't needed, however, because my mom was already waiting for me.

She had a stern look in her eyes that made my stomach clench. "You better have a good explanation."

"I do." I said quickly, though I wasn't sure that explanation was.

"Babysitting my coworkers daughter?" She asked me, her eyebrows raised.

"Wait, what?" I did a double take, she shouldn't know about that. My chest tightened as I realized how she would ever get that information.

"Jesse's waiting in your room." My mom explained. "I covered for you, don't worry, but when I get home from work, you had better tell me the real story. I have to get going, Lilly. I love you."

She quickly leaned in to kiss my cheek, before waltzing out the door. Once she was gone, I stood still, in the same place that she left me. I took a deep breath as I looked towards the stairs, knowing there was no way there was any good outcome of what is about to happen.