When Emerald enters my hospital room, it's like we're the only two people there. Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Ray, Raven, and Ryder all fade into the background as she steps forward with tears in her eyes and presses her lips gently against mine, like she thinks I might shatter like glass at any amount of pressure.

I reach up and put my arms around her neck, kiss harder to make up for the months we were apart even if I can't remember them. She remembers and that's what matters.

"I missed you so much," she whispers, our foreheads touching. I wish I could tell her how glad I am that she's here. I'd text her everything I have to say if my phone hadn't gotten lost, probably destroyed somehow, during the crash. And, believe me, it'd be a long text. Instead, I grin and I hope it tells her enough.

She pecks my lips one more time, then goes to stand next her mom near the doorway.

It's almost as though I haven't been apart from these people for any amount of time— and not only because I can't actually remember any of that time. Nothing's changed. Not even the machine reading my vitals 24/7, or the fact that I can barely move my body puts a damper on how everyone interacts. Frank's dad jokes, Mikey's witty one-liners, Dad's constant referencing of Star Wars, or comics, or D&D, or Ray's healthy mixture of all of those things.

Throughout the morning I get to know Ryder all over again, quickly realizing why we became friends in the first place and how it happened so fast during that lunch hour at school he tells everyone about. I catch up with Raven too. They tell me a bit about what they've been up to. We avoid the topic of Krash and Zero though. They already told me about Zero before everyone else got here.

It's weird being in a room full of people who are in on this one part of your life that seems to have been deleted from your brain. But every time I begin to get frustrated about it, even so much as a quick scribble on my notepad that says, I wish I could remember that, Dad is quick to remind me, "Your memories will come back, Evie. Just give it some time."

I want them to come back before I have to go back to Rhode Island, though, whenever that may be. Whenever they let me out of this bed without a nurse's assistance. It's embarrassing, almost degrading, how my muscles are useless and I need a nurse's assistance for pretty much everything. I took a bath this morning and I couldn't enjoy it if I tried. Anyway, the reason I need my memories to restore before then is because I don't want to experience going there for the first time all over again. I'm not dreading it any less than I was the first time, even though I'm not showing it.

It's easy to ignore my dread when I'm so goddamn happy at the same time.

It feels like a few days ago that Frank walked in on me. I was sitting on my bedroom floor, barely hanging on by a thread. He took away what I thought was my lifeline and I practically started begging him to let me hurt myself, which of course I knew was a lost cause no matter how much I didn't want to admit it to myself. But I was desperate.

That girl was not okay.

Now, despite everything that's happened, I think I can say that I'm okay. In that regard, anyway.

• • •

When Lindsey arrives, carrying Bandit in her arms, everyone but Dad clears out of the room saying something about going to get food or fresh air. Em kisses me quickly and says she'll be back later with snacks. Fresh air sounds nice, though. Even nicer than snacks, which is not something I ever thought I'd say. But when Lindsey places Bandit carefully in my arms, I immediately decide there's no place I'd rather be than here, holding my baby sister.

She looks up at me with big innocent eyes and I can't help the smile from spreading across my face. She gives me a little smile in return and, I swear, I could cry.

I look up at Dad and Linds excitedly. I hope the look on my face is conveying everything I'd be squealing excitedly out loud if I could. She smiled at me! She's so fucking cute! I love her so much! Just to name a few.

Linds laughs lightly. "She loves you already," she says, putting an arm around her husband's waist.

"How could she not?" he says, smiling fondly at us.

I let Bandit grab my finger. She has a strong grip for such a little thing.

Dad and Lindsey catch up about the last couple weeks that they've been apart. I feel bad when I remember it's my fault. I feel like an inconvenience, but I have to remember it's not really my fault. I couldn't control what happened. I'll remind myself a hundred times if I have to, and Dad won't hesitate to remind me a hundred more. And he won't hesitate to remind my friends, either. Needless to say, we've all been blaming ourselves.

This morning, before Frank and Ray got here, and long before Mikey probably got out of bed in his hotel room, Raven and Ryder came to see me. They immediately started apologizing. Raven rolled up right next to my bed in their wheelchair, stared into my eyes with the most serious look on their face, and told me they'd never forgive themselves for letting that road trip happen.

Ryder wouldn't stop insisting that, really, it was his fault because encouraged the plan. He wouldn't let it go, he said, until Raven agreed to contact Krash.

But of course I was quick to retaliate and insist it was my fault. I couldn't write fast enough to keep up with my guilt, but I was able to explain that the plan was for me. They did it all for me, and I got into that car without a second thought, probably, even though I knew we shouldn't do it. And that's why it was my fault.

We hadn't even been rambling on about our apologies and our regrets and our guilt for a full minute before Dad shut the whole thing down. He said he couldn't watch us put ourselves down like that, make ourselves feel worse, anymore. And of course he went off on one of his tangents that are impossible not to feel at least slightly uplifted by.

Bandit is content on my chest for a long time, but eventually she starts fussing. Lindsey says she's probably hungry, especially after the car ride over, and takes her from me before rummaging around in the baby bag and finding a bottle.

She sits in one of the now many chairs in the room, Dad sits in the one next her. The couple, plus Bandit, look like a picture perfect family I wish I could be more of a part of.

Dad looks up to see me pointing at my notepad that's out of reach. He gets up and hands it to me and waits patiently for me to write.

I wish I could come home with you guys.

"So do we, Evie," he says, then sits on the edge of my bed. He strokes my hair. "But we're all together right now and that's what we have to focus on. We've gotta live in the moment, you know?"

He doesn't even have the time to get comfortable next to me when there's a knocking at the door. Through the little window I see Laura's face. She's looking down at the floor anxiously waiting for someone to open up. I was wondering if she'd come today. I think we were all thinking it, secretly.

Dad glances at me as if to ask if it's okay that he let her in. I shrug, so he crosses the room and opens the door. Laura steps in awkwardly, gives Lindsey an even more awkward wave and brief nod of her head in her general direction as a greeting. Linds nods back, then keeps paying attention to Bandit.

Laura turns to me. "Hello, Evelyn. How are you?"

I give her a simple thumbs up because it's easier than coming up with a polite way to write, I was great until you walked in.

"I'm glad," she smiles, then stands there uncomfortably like there's something she wants to say, but doesn't know how to say it because this conversation, much like every other conversation I've had recently, is very one sided. I make eye contact with Dad, hoping he'll come to the rescue, but he just shrugs. Finally, Laura clears her throat. "Gerard, I was hoping I could talk to you? Out in the hall, I mean."

He pauses like he didn't process what she asked him at first, then finally says reluctantly, "Oh, sure, yeah."

I reach out as though I could grab is wrist from across the room and stop him from leaving.

When the door has closed behind them and I'm alone with Lindsey, and Bandit of course, I write before raising the notepad so she can read the panicked thought that crossed my mind as soon as Laura asked Dad to talk, She's planning to take me back with her, isn't she?

"We don't know that, Girly," Lindsey says. "They could be talking about anything."

I write, What then?

She thinks for a moment, then bites her bottom lip, a troubled look on her face. "Maybe she's going back to Rhode Island for now?"

Unlikely.

She doesn't even try to deny it, but says, "There's still time before you can leave here, unfortunately. I don't know if that makes it better or not."

I shrug. It doesn't really matter whether I can leave soon or not because, either way, when I do I'll be stuck in a place I can't imagine myself being happy in. Maybe I managed to be happy the first time around, I don't know, but if my memories don't come back, I don't know if I'll be able to do it a second time.

When Dad comes back into the room he doesn't have the sad, angry, or even disappointed expression I was anticipating.

He's smiling.

• • •

I stayed in the hospital for a month. Regaining the strength in my muscles, becoming a pro at wheel chair racing against Raven until a nurse told us to stop, regaining my speech slowly but surely until now I can produce slow sentences out loud, but sentences all the same.

My memories did come back in pieces and I didn't have to face going back to Rhode Island blindly.

My first night in a bed that doesn't have a built-in panic button is blissful, and when I wake up the next morning I'm met with the scent of pancakes. It's all I need to motivate me to get out of bed, even though going down the stairs with crutches is borderline hopeless.

I sit at the table, remembering which is my usual spot like I never left.

Mom places a plate of pancakes with a melting pad of butter and maple syrup on top in front of me.

"Thanks," I tell her. I inhale deeply, the smell heavenly. "God, I missed this so fucking much. The hospital never gave me pancakes."

"We missed it too," Dad grins from across the table. "So fucking much."