I sit awkwardly with one leg crossed over the other, in the exact same spot I sat when I first got here, with Ms. Diaz in the exact same spot as well. It's like déjà vue, only this time I've been here for about six weeks. Truthfully, I forgot that was even a thing she was supposed to do.

She has been asking me question after question, and I've been answering with short answers, eager to get this interrogation over with. Laura is in another room to ensure I'm a hundred percent honest. Questions about how I've been treated, how Laura acts around me, if I feel safe here, if I've witnessed any substance abuse. Then there are the less heavy questions like if school is going well and if I've made any friends.

"Yeah, I have two friends that I hang out with all the time."

"Well, I'm glad to know you've adjusted so well." Diaz smiles. "I think I'm about done here, unless there's anything you want to bring up?"

I feel like I'm in therapy, except Diaz is intimidating whereas my actual therapist is far from it. "Um..." I pretend to think about it for a couple short seconds, quit playing with my sleeves when I realize I'm doing it, then smile back at her. "No, I think that's it. All is well."

She smiles again, which is getting repetitive. She only did it after every question I replied to with a positive answer. It all feels so fake, and I can't believe I'm supposed to believe that this woman actually cares about me. I'm glad to see her car drive off down the street after we've said our goodbyes.

I collapse back in my chair when I'm finally alone, but Laura soon joins me by sitting on the couch. She's quiet for a few moments before asking, "So, how did it go?"

"Fine," I say simply.

It's been almost two weeks since both Emerald and Gerard urged me to apologize to her, and I still haven't worked up the guts to actually do it. When I'm talking to them, I always avoid the subject, and I never really talk to Laura so it's easy to avoid it with her. But every time she does something nice for me, makes me breakfast, picks me up from school, asks me how my day was even though she knows I won't say anything more than "fine," I'm consumed by more and more guilt.

I can tell she's really trying, and yet I continue to reject her. Why? Because I'm stubborn and petty, yes, but also because I'm scared. I'm still scared of her despite the careless image I play up around her, and I'm also scared of opening up in case it goes wrong. I also don't want to start liking her, or worse, getting attached. I'd feel like I'd be betraying Gee and Lindsey.

"Evelyn, are you okay?" Laura asks after a couple more minutes of silence.

I snap out of my thoughts only to realize I've been wringing my hands in my lap, even digging my fingernails into my knuckles. I stuff them in my pockets and stammer, "Yeah, yeah. Fine."

"Is it worth me telling you that you can talk to me if something is really bothering you?"

I hesitate, then shake my head. "I have a therapist for that."

She doesn't even bother saying anything back, and just leans back in her seat and crosses her arms over her chest. She's giving up on getting me to open up, and I feel like a kid who's getting bored of bothering someone because they're not giving me the satisfaction I'm craving by reacting. I wasn't looking for attention, but maybe it was fueling me, and I wasn't looking to be an asshole, but that's what I was coming off as, and I wasn't looking for a high, but now that I'm crashing I feel worse than ever before.

I think if I don't get it over with and say it now, I never will. Just shut your eyes, and spit it out! It'll be over soon. Just picture Gerard and Em and how proud they're gonna be. Just say it, say it, say it, say—

"Evelyn?" Laura snaps her fingers from across the room, my eyes flit up to her. "You we're miles away, just staring at the wall."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I was just worried because you hadn't blinked for about a minute."

"No, I mean about... other things. I'm sorry."

She blinks. "What?"

"Like, for the time I told you I hated you. I just shouldn't have said that."

When she doesn't say anything back for a few seconds I'm scared I said the wrong thing. I said what she once waited for me to say, what everyone else told me to say, but still. And then she finally says, "I accept your apology."

And then, out of habit, I say, "Are you mad at me?"

I could've kicked myself, but instead I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when she replies calmly, "No, Evelyn, I'm not mad at you." And then she adds, "Anymore."

If I had the guts I'd have told her she might've forgiven me, but I'll never forgive her, and just because I apologized doesn't mean I like her now. I don't want her to get the wrong idea, but I don't know how to respond to that. I decide on a simple, "Oh."

"I just hope that it won't happen again and we can start getting along."

"Yeah."

• • •

I watch, mesmerized, as Ryder holds a joint between two long, slender fingers, raises it to his lips and takes a drag, and I think everything might feel a lot simpler if he'd just hand it to me instead of Raven.

I hold my tongue, though, and force myself to look away, trace my eyes over the pictures on the grimy walls instead. It took a few visits, but I've gotten used to breathing more shallowly in this place to avoid inhaling too much dust. I've also worked out that it takes approximately three minutes for my eyes to adjust to the dimness, two if the sun is casting through the cracks in the wall at the perfect intensity in the late afternoon.

"Laura can go trip on a knife for all I care."

Given that this is the first thing anyone has said in the last few minutes, and no one was expecting it, Ryder bursts out laughing, then he starts coughing.

"What'd she do this time?" Raven asks, unbothered.

I sigh deeply. "Nothing, but I'm still annoyed at her."

"At least you're gonna get a break from her when your friend Krash comes to rescue you," Ryder points out when he's regained the use of his lungs.

"And the fucking glorious day can't come soon enough. When'd he say he's coming, again?" I ask, turning to Raven because they're the one who retains all the information. God knows Ryder can't even remember what he had for breakfast.

"July 1st," Raven says, then blows a smoke ring before handing the joint back to Ryder.

I nod, and watch him do it all over again. "Can't wait. I just hope nothing goes wrong. What if we take a wrong turn and end up in Pennsylvania?"

"Have you never seen a map of the United States?" Raven asks.

"Hey, it's not impossible," I say, raising my hands in defence. "How should I know if Krash has a good sense of direction or not?"

"Trust me, Way, the amount of times he lead me and Zero out of The Box and through the woods, drunk and in the pitch dark, is impressive."

"That's good enough for me." I shrug and turn to Ryder. "What do you think? Can we trust the guy not to get us lost in some remote part of Pennsylvania?"

"I don't care," he says, "I'm in it for the road trip. Especially if you're not even going to let us meet your family."

"Ryde, we've talked about this," Raven jumps to my defence.

"I know, I know. It's just, they seem so cool from what I've heard about them!" Ryder hops off the desk he's been sitting on and climbs on a chair, excited at the thought of meeting Frank, whom I've told him would punch a homophobe without a second thought. He hops onto a another desk and starts jumping from one to another like stepping stones.

"Yeah, they are, but they'd probably have a fit if they knew the only friends I have are someone they already have a grudge against and a pothead."

"I know, but hey," Ryder says.

"You should probably stop doing that before one of the desks collapse and you break your neck," Raven says, standing up and brushing the dust off their pants. "We should leave anyway, it's getting dark."

Ryder jumps onto the floor. "So?"

"I have an early shift tomorrow."

"So?"

"No, they're right," I say, and Ryder hangs his head disappointedly. "I should go call my dad."

He offers to walk me home, but I decline and walk alone. Like Krash leaving The Box, I bet I could find my way back drunk and in the dark by now. I've done this so many times in the last six weeks, I'm afraid when I finally move back to Jersey I'll miss it.

When I get home, Laura is in the shower. I lie back on my bed with my phone up to my ear and listen to the tone while I wait for Gee to pick up. It matches the rhythm of the crickets outside.

Finally, "Hey, Evie!" he answers the call happily.

I inhale and look up at the ceiling. "I- um- I did it."

Gee pauses for a couple seconds and when he speaks again the happiness has drained from his voice. "Eve, what happened? Why didn't you call me? I could've helped you, Darling, you know that."

I knit my eyebrows. "What are you talking ab—Oh! No, no, no, Dad, I'm fine! Oh my God, I'm sorry, I just meant- I- I didn't do that."

I've never heard a more relieved sounding sigh than the one Gee breathes across the line then. He says, "Jesus, Eve, my heart fucking dropped there. What did you do, then?"

"I... apologized to Laura."

"Do you feel any better now that you've done it?"

I realize that a weight has been lifted off my chest, off my shoulders. I'm not constantly thinking about it, dreading it, because now it's behind me. And Laura accepted it and probably feels better now too. "Yeah, I do."

"I'm proud of you," he says, and I can hear the smile on his face.

"Thanks. It was super fucking awkward, but I'm glad I did it."

"You are? Judging by how much you didn't want to do it, I thought you'd be disgusted with yourself afterwards."

"Well, I'm not. I have room in my head to think about other things now."

"Like what?"

"Like how much cooler my ceiling would look if it was covered in those glow in the dark stars."

"Any ceiling would look cooler with those, let's be honest."

"Yeah. I always wanted them when I was little but I never got them."

"You should've told me, I would've bought them for you."

I almost say, well, now it's too late, but I catch myself. Instead, I say, "I guess I forgot until now."