The blinds behind me are shut this time as I sit cross legged in the chair facing Bonnie, and I'm actually happy to be here. Before meeting her, I didn't think I was going to like her. I thought I was going to miss Sam like crazy. I do miss Sam, of course. She was rad. But Bonnie is rad too as much as I wouldn't have wanted to believe she'd be a few weeks ago.

"Have you tried any healthy coping mechanisms for when you feel like hurting yourself?" Bonnie asks.

I chew my lip. "Um, to be honest, I never really tried to stop myself. Until Frank and my dad found out, 'cause then it felt like I had more of a reason to stop somehow, 'cause they specifically asked me to and care about me. Does that make sense?"

"I think it makes sense," she says, nodding and making a couple little notes.

"So then, whenever I wanted to do it, I just thought about how disappointed my dad would be if he knew I was still hurting myself after he told me to stop, but then I guess the other night I couldn't do that. Everything was kind of just building up inside me and when Laura yelled at me that was my breaking point."

"Did you think of calling him or Frank? Maybe they could've calmed you down."

"Oh, I would have," I assure her. "And they would've helped me, but Laura took away my phone so I just felt lost."

"Oh, I see," Bonnie says like it all makes sense now. She crosses one leg over the other, tilts her head, and says thoughtfully, "You know, something I like to tell people— or remind them— is that the feeling of wanting to self harm comes in waves, okay? Think about it as waves. You know it'll fizzle out, you just need to hang on and ride the wave until it's over."

I nod, but really I'm thinking the idea of "riding a wave" is stupid. "What if I can't?"

"You can. This is what coping mechanisms are for. Distractions, breathing exercises, self care. Different things work for different people."

Together we write a list that ends up taking nearly an entire sheet of paper of things I can potentially do instead of hurting myself next time I want to. I know there'll be a next time, I just hope I'll have the means of contacting Gerard when it happens. Maybe I should beg Laura to actually install a landline. Then again, I'm too stubborn to actually ask her for something like that.

Bonnie tears the piece of paper out of her notebook, leans forwards to hand it to me and says, "Your homework is to try some of those out."

I stuff it in my pocket. "Okay," I say, knowing it's probably not going to happen.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we move on?" she asks. I shake my head, so she goes on, "Okay, I was wondering, is there anything you're looking forward to, Evelyn? It's always good to have something to look forward to, especially when things are rough so you can remind yourself that good things are coming."

"Well, I guess when the first six months of living here are up I get to go see my family again." Bonnie nods, a sympathetic smile playing on her lips, but then a light bulb goes off in my head when I remember the conversation I had with Raven and Ryder just a couple days ago. "Wait, I have a better answer. An old friend is driving here from Jersey to visit my friends and I. He's coming at the end of June and I can't wait," I say, smiling at the thought.

"I'm sure it'll be fun to see him. Why don't you tell me about him?"

"His name is Krash and I haven't seen him in a long time."

• • •

As soon as we leave Bonnie's office, Laura drives straight to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription for antidepressants. She made a point in saying that I will be taking them, and she will be watching me do so every morning. I was in a good mood until she said that, and she could tell because when I got in the car and the smile was still on my face she asked me what it was about.

Of course, I didn't tell her about Krash. And I certainly didn't tell her (or even Bonnie) that he was coming here after school ends for the summer with the intent of picking my friends and I up and bringing us on a road trip to New Jersey. The fine details haven't been sorted, but we're going into it with a very "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude. And, sure, a lot of things can go wrong. A lot of things probably will go wrong, but I'm desperate.

Raven told me Krash was actually fairly easy to convince. After he got over the fact that I was even here, very much alive, and coincidentally in the same town as Raven. I'm still not over the coincidence myself, to be honest. Raven also said Krash expressed to them that he was bored and smuggling someone across three states seemed like a fun way to start his summer.

Just as I remember Krash being: rebellious, yet easy going.

"Oh, it was just a really good session with Bonnie," I told Laura.

She doesn't seem very talkative today, though, and so I have no trouble going up to my room to do my homework when we get home. I grab a couple granola bars from the kitchen on my way to eat while I complete mind-numbingly boring French grammar activities. When I sit at my desk to start, I find that Laura left my phone there for me to find. The battery died, so I plug it in.

Having my phone back gives me motivation to put my mind on finishing my homework as quickly as possible. When I'm done, I find that it's turned back on and I have a flood of messages and missed calls from everyone. That's Em, Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Ray, and Lindsey. Everyone.

I call Em first because I miss the sound of her voice.

"Eve! Did Laura take your phone again?"

"Yeah, she did. I kinda deserved it this time," I say, lying back on my bed and looking up at the ceiling.

"What? What did you do?" Em asks, sounding concerned.

I hesitate, try and think of some way I can tell her what I did. I don't want to lie to her. "Laura and I got into an argument over something stupid. It was my fault. And then I... I told her I hated her to her face."

Em is silent for a few seconds then asks, her voice small, "Did you apologize?"

"I—" I cut myself off with a sigh which is enough to tell Em that, no, I wasn't able to grow up for a moment and tell someone I was sorry for being cruel to them. Still, I admit, "I couldn't. I guess 'sorry' really is the hardest word to say... and when she sat in front of me waiting for me to say it, it made it harder. I don't like it when she tells me what to do."

It's Em's turn to sigh and my heart drops. She's judging me, she thinks I'm horrible and weak, she— "I don't think you need to feel guilty for not loving her, even if she is your mother, 'cause she was the worst to you. If my dad suddenly wanted to come back into my life, we wouldn't welcome him, you know? And I'm not about to tell you what to do, but I do think you should apologize to her. Not just for her sake, but it might make you feel better too."

"You're right. You're always right. Stop being right all the time."

"Just trying to help," she states simply.

"You are helping. You help me so much, you don't even know."

"You help me too."

We fall into a comfortable silence, listening to each other's light breathing and basking in each other's company even if it is over the phone and across hundreds of miles. I wish I could tell her about the plan, but she'd talk me out of it. Worse, she'd tell Gerard and he'd do the responsible thing and shut the whole thing down somehow.

If Frank found out about the plan— because he probably still has a grudge against the gang from The Box— I can see him tracking Krash down to stop him from coming to get me, as much as he's told me he misses me.

It's not like the plan involves me somehow going back to Jersey and staying there for good. That's not possible. Laura would drive over there herself and take me back, if not Ms. Diaz, who happens to be coming to check up on how I'm doing in a few days. Ryder, Raven, Krash, and I just want want to go on a road trip. That's all it'll be, just for a few days. I'm sure Laura will allow me to go with my friends, and she won't even have to know that I'm going to see my family in NJ in the process.

"Are you ever going to be able to forgive your dad?" I ask Em out of the blue, once neither of us have spoken for a couple minutes.

She takes a moment longer to answer, and when she does speak, I can tell she's actually thought about it a lot longer than that. "I think being able to forgive someone after they've hurt you is a really strong thing for someone to do, but I don't think I can do it yet. It hasn't been long enough, and it still hurts. It was really, really hard for us after he left, you know. So, yeah, maybe one day, but not yet."

"That's... a really good answer."

"But, you know, now that he is gone, I think we're better off without him. He and mom used to argue all the time and, well, he couldn't accept me, and he didn't like you, so..."

"Yeah, so fuck him," I say. It makes Em giggle, the sound makes my heart flutter and a smile spread across my own face.

"Yeah. And Gerard is a better father figure to me at this point anyway."

"Yeah.." I trail off, thinking.

We stay on the phone for a while longer, the conversation shifting to anything more lighthearted, until I tell Em it's time that I call Gee because he's probably worried sick about me. Then, after I've hung up, I start thinking too much.

I promised I wouldn't lie to him or keep things from him anymore, and I know what I have to tell him. The problem is, I don't want to hear the disappointment in his voice when I do.

• • •

hi. i think i need to take a little break. i feel like my writing sucks and i haven't been able to focus enough to actually put my all into these chapters anymore. i haven't lost interest in finishing the fic, i've just lost interest in everything else and i need some time. i won't be gone too long. i don't mean to disappoint anyone, and i'm sorry.

if anyone ever wants to message me, i'm cool with that (bad at responding sometimes). and my instagram i don't really post much on is @x.antimatter.x

again, sorry.