Living with Laura has gotten better in the last three weeks. My relationship with her and my attitude toward her hasn't budged much, we still don't talk very much and when we do I'm very reserved, but other things have changed. My friendship with Ryder has strengthened. I feel like I've known him my whole life or else we were destined to meet, and I'm forever grateful for Raven's apartment being a place I can go to when I don't want to deal with Laura.

On top of that, I've been feeling a lot better mentally. Maybe there's more to this whole "therapy" thing and "being honest" thing than I ever wanted to believe. As much as I miss having Sam as my therapist and talking to her about things we have in common, Bonnie has really helped me, especially with the transition from Jersey to Rhode Island and accepting my reality. That doesn't mean I'm okay with my reality, but at the very least I no longer feel like self destruction is my only option in coping with it all. I've found that holding onto the necklace Em gave me is a great way to calm down when everything is just a bit too much, and so is wearing Gerard's hoodie that still somehow smells like home.

Without these new people in my life I'm not sure I could've lived with this situation, especially considering how terrible my mental state was when I left. I know Gerard was really worried about that and I can tell he's happy to hear that I'm doing so well when we're on the phone. The same goes for Emerald. I call them every other night, and text them, and Lindsey, and the guys every day.

As the final cherry on top of these last three weeks, I've worked hard and fixed my grades. I'm not saying I suddenly understand math—I've accepted that that's never going to happen— but with Laura's threat of taking away my phone and subsequently cutting off my communication with my family hanging above my head, I'm succeeding at a rate that even I am proud of. And I'm not proud of myself very often.

With everything going so well, my spirits are high when I walk home from school today. I'm warm in my long sleeved shirt, but it's easy to ignore it. It's the first day of May, it's beautiful out, and the sun has been shining all week. It also happens to be Friday, which has quickly grown to once again be my favorite day of the week thanks to Ryder's suggestion that we continue the movie night tradition. Even though I was reluctant to agree, I'm glad I did. Sitting at home with Laura while she attempts to make awkward conversation that I always end up rejecting is torture, and sitting alone in my room isn't much better, even if I actually have things to keep me busy now that I bother with homework and studying.

Bonnie encourages me to open up to Laura, says it'll probably make home life more tolerable, and she's probably right. I understand that at this point I'm just being stubborn, but remembering my past every time Laura makes a sudden movement, or is late home from work, or talks just a little bit louder than usual, makes me think I have a fair grudge to hold.

She's home, reading, when I walk in. It's the usual sight: her, stretched out on the couch with a mug of tea or coffee. It's part of her job, getting to read books so that she can recommend them to customers.

She looks up briefly to greet me, but we don't make conversation before I make my way up to my room.

I've unexpectedly developed a work ethic, so get started on the little bit of homework I have before I get to leave again for Raven and Ryder's place. Ryder had the same English homework, but I doubt he's working on it and he's probably getting stoned in that abandoned school. I soon learned that a lot of the graffiti in there was his work. He's quite plainly a great artist and now I wish I was in art class with him, but I'm in French. At least I'm excelling in that class and there's no Charlotte there to ruin it for me.

Only stopping to put on some Bowie to listen to while I do my work, I finish my English grammar activity in record time, then put everything away. All I need is to find Gerard's hoodie, which I should really be calling my hoodie at this point, and I'll be on my way. I think we're watching The Matrix tonight, unless Ryder changed his mind. He does that a lot.

When I don't find it hanging off the back of my desk chair, or thrown on the end of my bed, or even hanging up in my closet or stuffed in a drawer, I begin to panic. I can't have left it at school, I take better care of it than that, it being an important piece of home.

After minutes of searching obscure places I never would have left a hoodie (including under my bed and in a bathroom cabinet), I realize my options are running out and I have to face Laura.

"Laura!" I shout as I run down the stairs. I would never normally do this, but the panic that's flooding my body fuels me. "Have you seen my grey hoodie?" I stop in front of the coffee table.

She places a bookmark between the pages of her book, places it next to her on the couch, and looks up. "That one you wear all the time?" she asks and I nod vigorously. "I think I threw it in the wash with everything else."

Immediately, I feel sick. "...What?"

"Evelyn, you hadn't washed it since you've arrived," she explains in an inpatient tone, picking the book back up again but not yet opening it. "I thought it was about time."

"No, no it wasn't about time, Laura! I can't believe you went in my room and touched my stuff," I exclaim angrily.

She looks bewildered. "It was just some clothes, Evelyn. I was trying to help."

"Well then, fucking quit trying to help. The only thing you're good at is ruining my life!" I turn on my heel and go back to my room, slamming the door behind me like a child, more furious than I ever remember being.

Gerard's hoodie. In the laundry. I'll no longer be able to bury my face in it and feel connected to him, the scent of home washed away.

It was one of the only material objects keeping me sane. It was my lifeline.

I take a deep breath. Maybe I'm overreacting. I close my eyes and I see home, I see us all squished on the couch in the living room, I see Gerard's art covered office, I see the guest bedroom turned into a nursery for the new baby I won't get to meet at the beginning of their life. I don't feel like I'm overreacting. I grab the heart-shaped pendant around my neck and hold it tightly, but it doesn't have the same calming effect.

I feel lost without something as simple as a hoodie. I need to run away, find comfort away from the woman downstairs, and of course the only place I have to run to is Raven and Ryder's place.

I'm a foot away from the front door, prepared to slip out undetected, when I hear her voice ring out sharply from behind me.

"Where do you think you're going?"

I turn around slowly, my jaw set. "To my friends' house like I do every Friday night."

Laura crosses her arms. "You think you can yell at me like that and I'll just let you go out like nothing happened?"

I say nothing, but give her a cold stare.

She takes advantage of my silence and goes on, "You know, I knew coming here wouldn't be easy for you, and I knew you wouldn't like me, but this is getting ridiculous. I've given you everything you need, I've let you go out with your friends as much as you want, and you won't even sit down and have a conversation with me." I can tell she's fighting to keep her voice level, but the anxious butterflies in my stomach are directly related to the anger seeping into her tone and the way she took a menacing step toward me.

"I don't have anything to sit down and have a conversation about," I say, standing my ground.

"I'm sick of your stubbornness."

"If you're so sick of me, why don't you let me move back to Jersey?"

"Because I am your mother and I want to have a relationship with you. I know I fucked up, I told you that, and I know that at this point apologizing won't help, but I spent years regretting everything I put you through and when you got here I really thought it meant I had a chance to make things better."

"And I told you that you're not my mother anymore and you never really were, Laura. This is a waste of your time, you know why? Because I fucking hate you."

My stomach drops as soon as the words leave my mouth, but I can't take them back. I've thought it hundreds of times, yelled it at her from the safety of my own head with all the fire I could muster, but never have I told her I hate her out loud. Now that I have I realize how strong the word really is.

The expression on her face looks like she's been shot.

"Give me your phone," she says in a low tone.

"What?"

"Give me your phone and go to you room," she says more loudly.

"The agreement was you take my phone if my grades drop, this isn't f—"

"I'll tell you what's not fair: I've been nothing but nice to you since you've arrived, and you continue to treat me like this. So, give me your phone and go to your room, and don't come out until you've learned respect!" She yells loudly enough that I instinctively raise my arms in front of my face, expecting something to fly at me. When nothing does, I take my phone out of my back pocket and hand it to her without letting our fingers brush, then storm back up to my room. I don't slam the door when I shut it in fear of her following me and telling me off for that, too.

I did a good job of swallowing my panic thus far, but I can barely breathe. I fall to my knees on my bedroom floor, my head spinning, regret and guilt churning in my stomach. There's no going back from this one. I really fucked up.

I need to call Gerard, I need to hear his voice, I need him to calm me down and tell me everything is going to be okay only for me to reject his words like I always do because nothing is ever going to be okay.

I should've known this day was going too well to be true. Like everything else, I fucked it up. I fucked up my case, I fucked up my already non-existent relationship with my mother that I didn't think could get any worse, I fucked up my body and I'm about to fuck it up some more.

I deserve to be hurt.