"Look, Raven, I know it's crazy." I pace around Raven's living room. They and Ryder sit on the couch as I go back and forth, watching like a game of ping pong. "But we have to start planning now if we want any chance of it working." I stop and stand in front of the two, trying to hide how out of breath I am after bursting through the door and forcing them to listen to my newest scheme to replace the one Emerald wasn't on board with.

Raven puts their head in their hands. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you right now, but no."

My heart sinks. "Come on, Raven!" I exclaim.

"Yeah, come on, Raven!" Ryder hops off the couch and plants himself next to me, placing his hands on his hips. "At least consider it!"

"We just found out about each other living in the same town yesterday, and now you're asking me to help you escape back to Jersey! You're right, it is crazy," Raven says. "I don't even have a car, Way."

I sit on the floor, defeated. "The fact that you don't have car is definitely a... it's a flaw in the plan, for sure."

"Man, this sucks," Ryder says, sitting on the floor next to me. "I was getting excited to go on a road trip."

"Can't we... I don't know... save up for a car so by the time Ryder and I are done tenth grade we can get some shitty one and go on a road trip to Jersey, like he says?"

Raven looks at me sympathetically. I must look pathetic, sitting cross-legged on the floor, hunched over, trying desperately to iron out the wrinkles in a plan that was doomed from the beginning. "I have a minimum wage job at a gas station and I'm already paying rent for this shitty apartment. I'm sorry, Way, I just can't get us a shitty car too in less than three months."

"I know," I say quietly. "I just... I really miss home."

Ryder puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You can still call your family and your girlfriend, though, right? And text them?"

"Sure," I say. "But last time I called Gerard I kinda got mad and hung up on him, so I've been texting everyone but him since then, and I feel really bad about it, but I've just been too scared to call back."

"What'd you get mad at him about?" Ryder asks.

"It doesn't matter." I tug on my sleeves subconsciously. I haven't relapsed again, though, and for that I'm proud. Even if I'm not talking to Gerard thanks to my own cowardice, I'm still reminding myself of what he said, over and over again, as many times as it'll take for me to quit being tempted. If that day will ever come, that is.

I can't talk about it to Emerald, because she still doesn't know and it would crush her if she found out. I don't think I could take knowing that I hurt her like that. And if I'm not going to my own dad about it, I could talk to Frank. I know he'd be there for me, but he seems so happy when we do talk that I don't want to bring down the mood with my late-night breakdowns about how much I hate living with Laura, or about how she's forcing me to go to therapy and get back on my meds (which I'm starting to think isn't such a bad idea, especially after hearing how hurt Gerard was when he found out I stopped taking them, but I'd never admit it to her). The others don't know about my self harm unless Gee or Frank told them, but I don't think they would.

And, of course, no matter how many times Laura tries to raise personal subjects with me, tries to get to know me, I won't comply. She wasn't interested in knowing anything about me before— didn't even want me in her life before— so I'm not about to act like anything's changed, and I don't care how lonely and fucking depressed I get in my room all day hiding from her, anything is better than being in her presence.

"I think I know what can make you feel better... or at least take your mind off things a bit," Raven says.

"And what would that be?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at them.

"Let's go exploring."

"Yes!" Ryder exclaims, jumping to his feet. "I'll grab the flashlight."

• • •

I understand why a flashlight was necessary when Ryder and Raven lead me into the abandoned building, slipping through a door with a rusted lock and walking down a hallway lined with lockers, hanging open or their doors having fallen off. Our footsteps echo eerily as we go. When my eyes adjust, I see that the abundance of graffiti on the outside of the building continues on the inside, covering the crumbling walls. Light streams in through slivers in the boards on the windows, catching dust particles. A thick layer of dust covers every surface, including the couple of desks shoved against the walls, or toppled over in the room Ryder enters next, leading the way.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Ryder asks, shining the flashlight all around the room. He illuminates the art on the walls, the dried paint glints in the light.

I shudder at the sight of a cluster of little handprints, obviously painted on, but a deep red. "I feel like I'm in the Blair Witch Project."

"If the creepy-ass building at the end was an old school?" Raven inquires, putting one of the desks right-side up and sitting on top of it, letting their legs dangle.

I nod, ducking my face in my hoodie and pulling the strings of the hood tightly to block out the musty smell and to stop myself from breathing in any more dust than I already have. "And the standing in the corner is when a teacher puts a kid in time-out."

Raven snorts. "That's one way to put it."

As I stand with my arms crossed, afraid to touch any of the dust-covered surfaces, Ryder hops up onto a desk near Raven. I can picture the cloud of dust that must've come up when he did that, and I step back. "I have no idea what you two are talking about," he says, then flicks the light in my face. "Care to provide some context?"

I squint at him through the blinding light. "It's a super low-budget horror movie that got really big... How don't you know about it?" I ask, dumbfounded. "It has so many iconic scenes."

Ryder shrugs. "I didn't spend much of my childhood sitting around watching movies."

"Oh, sorry." I look down at the floor which, by the way, has dirt embedded between the cracked tiles. "Neither did I... I just- I watched it with Gerard and everyone. We had this tradition where we'd watch a movie every Friday night. We barely missed one."

Ryder brushes it off like he seems to do with everything but the dust accumulating on his jeans, and says, "Fun tradition. Who says we can't keep it going?"

My first thought is to reject the idea. I can't replace a tradition I held so dearly just because some kid I've known for only a few days hasn't seen any good movies. That was our thing back at home and it would feel wrong if Frank wasn't there, fighting me for the last empty spot on the couch, or if I didn't have Gerard's shoulder to lean on when it gets late, or the popcorn Lindsey always managed to make better than anyone else could. But then I remember that that's exactly what the guys did for me and it turned out to be the reason for some of my favourite memories.

"I think that would be fun. Maybe we can start tonight," I suggest.

Ryder smiles widely and I flash him a grin in turn, but with my hoodie over my mouth and nose he only sees my eyes crinkle up. Raven begins to speak up next, so he flicks the light in their face. They hold their hands out in front of their face to block the brightness. "Ryde," they whine.

He clicks off the flashlight and we're plunged into darkness other than the slivers of light from the cracks in the boards. They cast gold on the wall opposite as the sun is beginning to lower in the sky.

"Ryde," Raven says, more sternly this time.

"Sorry," he says sheepishly, snapping the light on again and letting the beam shine up toward the cracked ceiling instead of anyone's face.

"As I was gonna say, we only just started exploring! Do you guys really wanna go back home and watch a movie about being in the woods when we could go in the woods for real?"

Ryder and I look at each other, then back at Raven. "Yeah, I think so," Ryder says.

"Yeah, I'm kinda over breathing in all this dust," I say, raising one foot to see that it left a print on the grimy floor. "And I'm not sure Laura would want me in here."

"We're in an abandoned school and that's the stuff you're thinking about?" Raven asks incredulously. I nod in reply. They roll their eyes. "Okay, fine. Let's go home. And you should probably ask Laura if you can stay overnight at my place."

Once we've ducked out of the building, brushed our clothes off, and my eyes have readjusted to the light, I slip my phone out of my pocket. I'm nervous to text Laura because I haven't actually talked to her since I yelled at her last night. She didn't try and come talk to me, and she didn't say a word to me before I left for school this morning.

There are many differences between her and Gerard— too many to count— and I know that, for one, he would've come to check on me last night. He would've known that an outburst like that was out of place. He wouldn't have left me alone to rock back and forth in my room as I panicked, sinking my nails deep into the back of my hand, willing myself not to hurt myself further. And as my mind swam, I knew I could've grabbed my phone and texted him or called, seeking immediate comfort in just the sound of his voice, but I didn't. An old fear that I don't think will ever go away stopped me.

I just didn't want to bother him.

I didn't want to waste anyone's time.

And, most importantly, I didn't want to be a burden

Evelyn: Hey, is it okay if I stay at a friend's house tonight? We're just going to watch movies. I'll come back tomorrow whenever you want me to be back.

I don't like the way I talk to her. It's too formal. I don't like the detail in which I feel that I need to explain myself and my intentions. It's the embodiment of anxiety and intense fear of rejection in text message form. It was never this way with Gerard.

Laura Barry: Yes you may, Evelyn.

Oh, she's mad.

I click my phone off and stick it back in my pocket, anyway. Ignoring the red flags and alarms and gut feelings that tell me I should probably call off the whole thing and head home.

I paint a smile on my face and tell Raven and Ryder, "She said I can stay over."

We're outside the apartment now, and Ryder holds the door open for us as he says, "Great! This is going to be so much fun!"

And it was. Or, it would've been if I didn't have the nagging in the back of my mind accompanied by sweaty palms and a racing heart. The constant reminder that I pushed Gerard away when he's currently the person I need the most, that my futile plans to escape back to Jersey are never going to work, and that Laura might be planning my murder.

But Ryder enjoyed the movie and the popcorn was almost as good as Lindsey's, so all is well, isn't it?

• • •