"I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Eve. Ray just found you cryin' on a street corner," Gerard says tiredly. Sitting next to him on the couch, I bounce my leg nervously. Lindsey's already gone to bed and Ray left to get back to his own wife, sticking around just long enough to sum up the past half hour or so.

"But I'm fine now," I insist, though I can't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"What happened? You were so open with me for a while, and now... come on, Eve, talk to me."

He's already got enough on his plate which, of course, is already my fault, so I refuse to be any more burdensome. I don't consider telling him about everything for even a second. "You already know everything there is to know." I shrug, fiddling with my sleeves.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, I mean, nothing's changed. I'm stressed out about this fucking court case and I want it to be over, Em and I are in a weird place, school sucks in general, and I miss having you around all the time." And my grades are dropping at an alarming rate, I'll never be able to wear short sleeves again, I haven't taken my meds in weeks, and I've been lying to my therapist.

"I wish there was more I could do," Gee says apologetically. I can tell he really means it.

"You're already doing enough, you don't have to overwork yourself for me."

I'm not worth it.

We're both silent for a while. It's not a comfortable kind of silence. It's heavy, and unsaid words are left hanging in the air. He knows I'm keeping things from him, and it's obviously crushing him, but somehow I don't care enough to spill it. It would mean worrying him even more, it would mean showing weakness, and it would mean owning up to all the lies I've buried myself in.

"What are you afraid of?" he asks suddenly.

"What am I afraid of?"

"About the case? Other than her winning, I mean."

"I don't want to see her— I don't even want to be in the same room as her." Even at the thought of it, I ball my hands into fists. "I don't want all the memories to come back just by looking at her."

"That's understandable," Gee says. He places a hand on my shoulder. "Just remember, you'll be safe, right? She can't hurt you while we're in there."

"Yeah," I breathe. And he's right, but perhaps the damage has already been done. "I just don't understand why..." I trail off.

"Why what?" Gee asks gently.

"Why does she even want me back? She hated my guts. Why is she doing this now? Now that things had actually gotten better for me?" I feel a single tear slip down my cheek.

Gee wipes it away with his thumb. "Because things have gotten better for her, too. As much as I hate to say it, it really seems like she cleaned up and realized how wrong what she did to you was. And that doesn't make it all better, obviously, but... I don't know, Eve, maybe she thinks she can make it up to you somehow."

I shake my head, trying desperately to hold back tears and not let my voice crack when I say, "The best way for her to make it up to me would be to just leave me alone for the rest of my life."

Despite my best efforts, I dissolve into tears and Gee is quick to pull me into his arms. "I know, Eve, I know," he says soothingly.

I cry on his shoulder until I feel completely drained. Not pained, gasping sobs like earlier when Ray found me, but relentless, quiet tears and shaking shoulders and sniffling, which somehow feels more miserable than the former. And instead of feeling better afterwards, I go to bed and stare at the ceiling for hours. Completely numb other than the usual stinging of my skin.

The thought swirling in my mind tonight is something of a plan: If only I could convince my mother not to want me back.

• • •

I wake up the next morning to light pouring through my window and a pounding in my head.

Groaning, I roll over and squint my eyes to look at the clock on my nightstand. "Shit," I mumble when I realize I have about ten minutes to get ready.

Emerald's mom got a new job a couple weeks ago. It starts earlier in the morning than her old one did, so she can't drive Em to school anymore. Luckily, she already lives closer to the school than I do so she can walk. The only reason they ever drove was to pick me up. In result, I've had to get up a lot earlier to be on time and the only reason that's not been an issue is because winter is basically over so it's not such a miserable trek.

When I hear my door creak open I know it must be Gerard because it's still too early for it to be Lindsey. He insists that she sleeps in every morning and gets an adequate amount of rest.

"You awake?" he asks.

I rub my eyes. "Kinda," I croak.

"You don't sound too good, Eve." I hear his padded footsteps cross the room and stop next to my bed. His hand feels cool on my forehead.

"I don't feel too good, either."

"I think you have a fever, Kiddo."

"Great. I'm going back to bed," I say, rolling over on my other side and snuggling into my blankets and mountain of pillows. The top blanket of my bed is the black and white one Emerald gave me.

Gee tucks my my blankets around me tighter. "Anything you need before I go?"

"Water? Please? And some Advil or something, my head is killing me."

He nods and makes to go get the stuff, but stops in the doorway. "Are you feeling better after what happened last night, at least?"

I shrug.

He half-smiles sadly. "I'll be back in a minute."

Now, I've probably said it before, but in case I haven't: I don't believe in luck. But it dawns on me that it seems pretty damn lucky that I got sick today because I never did do that math homework Mr. Philip had assigned.

When Gee gets back, he hands me the stuff plus my usual antidepressants, then kisses the top of my head with a, "See you later, Evie. I hope you feel better."

I take the single Advil as soon as he's gone, then get up to go pee, throwing the other pills away in the process. This isn't some teenage rebellion thing. I'm not fighting against any system or any authority figure that thinks they have my best interest at heart. I'm not fighting at all. I'm merely giving up trying to feel better when bad things just keep happening. The way I see it, at least this way I'm partially in control.

I go back to bed and watch YouTube to make the time go by. Lindsey brings me toast for breakfast a little later, which I insisted that she didn't need to do. I didn't need her walking up and down the stairs for me, but she brushes it off with a wave of her hand.

When I really start getting bored of sitting in bed and feeling like shit, physically and mentally, I actually receive a text.

Emerald: Where have you been today?

Evelyn: sick

Emerald: Oh, sorry. If you feel better tomorrow I was thinking we could hang out?

Evelyn: I have the perfect idea for what we should do

• • •

We rarely miss our movie nights, and it wasn't going to happen tonight either. So when I heard the guys' voices downstairs, I got up from bed, stretching first, and then wrapped myself up in my blanket to make my way to the living room. When I open my bedroom door, however, I'm greeted with all four of them standing there.

"Nope, you get back into bed, Kiddo," Gee says. He's standing in front of everyone else, looking like the leader of the pack.

"But can't we—"

"You're sick," Frank interjects. Then he jokes, "You're lucky I even came near you!"

"I feel much better, though," I argue. This one is a blatant lie. My cheeks are probably flushed and I'm so tired that just grasping at the blanket I'm still holding around my body is exhausting. Not to mention that dull pain that hasn't entirely left my head.

Gee reaches forward and places a hand on my forehead. "You're still burning up, you liar," he says, putting that hand on his hip.

"I'm not burning up."

"Ray," Gee says.

"On it." And as if they'd rehearsed this earlier, Ray steps forward and scoops me up then carries me back to bed, ignoring my protests.

"I'll mess up you're hair if you don't put me down!"

"You can do that all you want, I'm just helping out," he says plopping me on my bed. "Guys, let's tuck her in before she gets away!"

Mikey, who's still been standing in the doorway in a Joy Division T-shirt I wish I could steal, runs over to help, the other two hot on his heels. "I'll fight back, Mikey, if you get kicked in the face that's on you!"

He laughs. "I'm armed," he says, doing some kind of karate motions.

With not enough energy to actually fight, I'm quickly wrapped up in several blankets. I've got to admit, with nearly all my favourite people sitting around me, and music playing in the background, it's comforting.

"What've you been doing all day, Eve?" Gee asks, brushing some hair off my face. He's sitting on my left while Mikey is on my right. Frank has the chair and Ray sits on the end of the bed near my feet.

"Talked to Em a bit. We're gonna go to the mall tomorrow."

Everyone's faces seem to light up at the mere mention of us hanging out together again. It's like they've missed it as much as I have, although our distance has been all my fault. I realize now that I've been pushing her away, as I have with Gerard and maybe everyone else. It's just easier to keep track of lies that way.

"What are you planning on doing? Just hanging out?"

"I don't know yet." I shrug. But truth is, it would ruin the surprise if I told.

• • •

this was a lot of filler and it kinda suuucks :/

if this whole book ends up being quite a bit longer than the first one are we cool with that?