"You look tired."

That is the first thing that Em says to me when she arrives at our lunch table. She sits down across from me and plops her bag on the seat next to her.

"Oh, thanks," I say sarcastically, peering at her through my hair that I've let fall in front of my eyes. "Just tell me I look like shit."

"You never look like shit, it's just—" She leans over the table and tucks the loose hair behind my ear. "—are you okay?"

I sigh heavily. "Yeah, just got a math test back. I barely passed."

"You know," Em starts, and I already know where this is going. "I could tutor you?"

"It's just one test, Em, I don't think I need tutoring," I say.

But it's not just one test.

It's happening again: My grades are slipping, and I'm not reaching out for help or even telling Gerard about it. I wouldn't be able to tell even if I wanted to, though, because he and Lindsey are always so damn busy. Between band stuff and preparing for that court case, and Lindsey's doctors appointments, I feel like I never get to see them anymore.

I get home from school to an empty house at least a few days a week, and sometimes I'm alone until late at night. At the very least, it means that Gerard and Lindsey are too preoccupied to notice how not okay I've become. Almost like my old, fourteen year old self, who hid in her room all the time and didn't talk to anymore.

The only difference is, instead of hiding my deteriorating body and dangerous eating habits, all I have to hide is behind long sleeves.

She shrugs. "Alright, if you say so. But my offer still stands."

She then takes out a sandwich from her bag and completely forgets about the conversation we just had, moving on to some other topic. Something interesting that makes her eyes light up, but to be honest, I just end up zoning out. I barely catch a word that leaves her mouth as I chew mindlessly on my cheese and crackers.

I'm just so drained.

I go through the rest of the school day just as lazily. The droning of my teachers lectures filling my ears like white noise, and the bell that finally rings snaps me back to reality long enough for me to gather my stuff and head out the front exit. I get pushed out the door along with the stampede of kids that all just want to get out of this building. Like a single rock in a landslide.

To my surprise, I spot Mikey's car out in the car park.

"Hey," I say, getting in. I throw my backpack in the back seat.

"Hey, Eve. Wanna drive home?" He jokes. Or maybe he's being serious. I really can't tell.

Either way, I'm quick to decline that offer. "Ha, no." I shake my head. "No, no, no."

The sudden return of my nightmares has convinced me never to touch a steering wheel.

He shrugs, turning the car on. Music starts blaring from the speakers. It's something I've never heard before, but that's because I have no idea what pop songs are currently on the radio. He quickly mutes the volume so we can talk. "How was school?"

I think back to each class, how mind numbingly boring and uninteresting everything is, even the classes that used to be my favourites. And then to how tired Emerald immediately pointed out I look. I sit up straighter in my seat and buckle up. "It was fine, nothing really interesting happened."

"Well, at least nothing bad happened," he points out. We pull out onto the road. All that's left of winter is patches of dirty snow.

"Yeah, I guess so." I nod. "Why'd you pick me up? Don't you have music to make, or something?"

"We got out early," he explains. "And, remember, I always have time for you."

"Dad doesn't," I mumble.

"What was that?"

I stay silent and stare out the window, watching the trees fly by.

"Come on, Eve," he says persistently. "What's going on with you lately?"

"What's going on with me?" I ask incredulously. "I'm going to see my mother for the first time since I was seven in three weeks, is what's going on! And Gerard's never home anymore and Lindsey's barely around either, but I can't complain about it because they're doing it for me. But I miss them. I just... I just feel so alone all the time."

Mikey takes one hand off the steering wheel and places it on my knee. "You're not alone in this, alright? It's gonna suck seeing her again, I know. But, remember, they're only so busy because they're making sure you won't have to stay with her. The chances of that happening are real slim, you know."

He retracts his hand and grips the steering wheel again. The place on my knee where it used to be feels cold.

"But that's the problem," I whisper, staring down at my lap. I fiddle with my sleeves. "I feel like I'm not worth all the fuss."

I've never admitted it before, but I can't deny that sometimes I think Gerard and Lindsey overworking themselves for me, or putting any energy into caring for me at all, just isn't worth it and that perhaps I deserve to be put back in the hands of my mother.

Of course, I don't want it to be true, but maybe the life I've had since the summer of 2006 was just a short phase and it was never meant to be anything more than that. Maybe it was even meant to be handed to someone else, and Gerard just made a mistake when he adopted me.

That is something I'll never say out loud.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, his voice softening. "'Course you are. You're worth all the fuss in the world."

"But maybe everyone is just wasting their time, trying so hard for me." I feel my voice begin to waver, but I keep it together, speaking quietly enough that he probably has to strain his ears. "Really, Mikey, I'm just not worth it. They should just stop. I don't want things to be like this anymore."

When he doesn't say anything, I finally raise my head and glance over at him. His face is expressionless as he stares at the road through the windshield with eyes that seem to be filling with tears.

"Mikey?"

No one ever acknowledges how I was the one who picked up the phone that night.

How I had to hear Eve's broken voice from the other end of the line, and picture her face with tears streaming down it. How I was tasked with keeping her in one piece as long as possible and I didn't. She called my number that night and I failed her.

"I want it all to stop, Mikey. Why won't it stop?"

"I want everything to stop. I don't wanna be like this anymore, I- I don't wanna do this anymore."

"I- I can't, Mikey, I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna be a burden anymore."

She had pleaded to me over the phone, broken down, and I failed her. Now, the way she says, "I'm just not worth it. They should just stop. I don't want things to be like this anymore," sounds scarily familiar.

"Mikey?" Eve snaps me out of my thoughts. I realize that I'm gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are turning white. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Eve," I say, blinking back tears and loosening my grip. There is no way in Hell I'll cry in front of her. "But I don't want you saying any of that, okay? You're scaring me."

"Why? I just want this whole thing to be fucking over."

"We all do." That's when we finally arrive at the house. Eve grabs her bag from the backseat, but before she can get out of the car, I speak up again. "Wait, that's all it is right? You're just bothered about the case? Cause if something else is up you can tell me right now, you know."

"That's it. And— trusting that this thing goes our way— I'll be myself again after March 23rd, I promise. I've just been... feeling down and more stressed lately, that's all," she says, then gives me a smile as though that proves that what she said is true, then heads inside the house.

I follow her in and we go straight to the living room where everyone is hanging out. They look up from their conversation when we enter.

"Oh, hey, the gang's all here!" Eve says. "I'm just gonna go drop my bag in my room and stuff."

When she's skipped up the stairs, I make eye contact with Gerard, motioning for him to follow me to the kitchen with just a tilt of my head. He immediately stands from his place on the couch and we ignore the others' questioning looks as we retreat out of the room.

In the kitchen, Gee hops up on the counter. "What's up?" he asks, dangling his legs.

"It's just—" I take a deep breath and look down at the floor. Maybe I'm overreacting and it's really nothing, just like she says?

"What's wrong, Mikes?" Gee asks slowly. He quits swinging his legs.

"I don't think Eve is aright."

• • •

who watched the livestream last night?????

IT WAS FUCKING EVERYTHING IM NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT IT YET