It took me a while to warm up to the idea of going to therapy. I was reluctant and shameful about the whole thing and thought it'd be awkward, even thought it was unnecessary and definitely uttered the words, "I don't need to talk to someone, I'm fine."

Well we all know that was a lie.

I don't want to say that I was forced to go, Gerard doesn't force me to do anything (save getting out of bed in the morning), but in the end I didn't have much choice in the matter. So I see my psychologist, Sam, after school every Thursday at 4PM and it's been that way for over a year now. And let me tell you, she's pretty darn cool.

Assuming Gee won't have a problem with me tattooing my entire body one day and also piercing a hole in my nose, Sam is everything I'll never be. Articulate, namely. She can hold a conversation about anything and everything, all the while seeming genuinely interested. I think she could get along well with Emerald. I guess that's part of her job, but I'm easily impressed.

"So, let's move away from the topic of school starting up again, what else has been going on? Anything note-worthy?" Sam taps her pen on her notepad. She always takes notes during our sessions, peering down at them from behind her Harry Potter-esque glasses.

"Well we're gonna start doing Friday night movies at home, which is a thing we used to do."

"How does that make you feel? Are you excited?" she asks.

"Yeah, I am," I answer truthfully. "It's not gonna be stressful like it was before, 'cause I won't have to find ways to get out of eating and stuff."

"I'm glad you feel that way!" Sam smiles brightly as she remarks, "What's a movie without snacks, right?"

I nod.

"Which one are you watching? Have you got a movie planned?"

Once again, I nod. "Star Wars. The first one, episode four, A New Hope... you know what I mean." I ramble and Sam nods her head enthusiastically.

"That's so cool!" she exclaims. "I didn't see the original trilogy in theaters, but I saw all the prequels. And, well, I was just so excited to see Star Wars on the big screen. It was great. Did you see them? Or are you too young?"

"Well... well, I didn't exactly spend my childhood watching movies and stuff," I mumble awkwardly. I've been trying to stop mumbling so much, but when I feel uncomfortable that's just how the words come out. It's super handy when a teacher calls on me in class and always has to ask me to speak up more than once.

"Ah." Sam smiles sympathetically at me. "But there's a perk of having an amazing adoptive family: You get to make new memories and catch up on all the fun stuff you missed, like watching movies, right?"

"Right." The corners of my mouth turn up at just the memory of all the fun memories I've already made with them.

One that immediately comes to mind is the time that me and the guys played Truth or Dare. So much has happened since then, it feels like an eternity. But it was just over two years ago. I wish I could go back and tell that little fourteen year old, insecure, anxious little me that I didn't need to worry. That those people sitting around me meant it when they said they weren't planning on ever getting rid of me and that they loved me. I don't know if I would warn her about all the shit to come, though.

I've seen Back To The Future enough times.

I consider telling Sam about that game of Truth or Dare (and I definitely wouldn't leave out the part where I had to call that pizza place), but before I can open my mouth, she checks the watch on her wrist.

"The hour's almost up," she says. "Is there anything else on your mind you want to get out of the way before your dad picks you up?"

"Well, actually..."

Sam leans forward in her seat. "Spill it, sis," she says, and clicks her pen.

"So, since I'm sixteen, Gerard wants me to start driving."

"And what are your thoughts and feelings surrounding that?" Sam knows about the accident and my nightmares. We used to talk about them a lot when I still had them once in a while and I was afraid to go to sleep. She gave me ways to relax before bed, and helped me with techniques to calm myself down if I ever woke up in a panic from one. She called it grounding. Here are some examples:

1. Remind myself of who I am, where I am, everything. I am Evelyn Maia Way, I am sixteen years old, I was born on November 21st of 1992, I live in New Jersey. And just keep going.

2. Lying down, feel the contact of each part of my body as it touches my bed. Starting at my head, notice how each part of my body feels, all the way down to my feet.

3. Look around and identify five things I can see, four things I can feel, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste.

But sometimes just putting on my headphones and turning up music real loud is all I need.

"I don't really know how I feel about it. I mean, I guess it'd be cool to be able to go places, visit Emerald whenever I want, drive myself to school, you know? But... I'm just scared."

"And that's understandable. It's okay to be scared, learning to drive is a pretty big deal, but most of the thoughts you're probably having are irrational, aren't they? You know that. Like, what's your biggest fear?"

I don't say anything for a few seconds because I know exactly where this is going, then I mutter, "I'm scared that my nightmares are gonna come true."

"That's what I thought you'd say." Sam scratches something on her notepad. "But we've gone over this before." She flips through the older pages of the pad until she lands on the one she's looking for, then hands it to me.

Reasons my dream isn't actually gonna happen

Yes, she actually made me write that list at one point.

I've never predicted the future before (calling the deaths in Harry Potter doesn't count) is the first thing on the list. I giggle and hand it back to her. "I know, I know, I shouldn't be scared."

Sam takes the notepad back and flips back to her current page. "If you think it'll be too anxiety provoking for you, then let someone know. You know the drill, don't bottle things up. We wouldn't want this to trigger those nightmares up again."

"Okay."

As soon as the time hits 5PM, I step out of Sam's office, reading "Dr. S. James" on the name-tag on the door as it swings shut behind me. As expected, I find Gee sitting in the waiting area looking at something on his phone. He looks up as I approach. "Hey, Eve," he says, standing up. "Ready to go?"

"Why, yes, I am." I walk toward the exit without turning around to see the odd look Gee is definitely giving me.

Like always, he waits until we're in the car to ask, "How did it go?"

"Good. We talked about school and stuff, and then Sam geeked out about Star Wars a bit, and then we talked about driving."

When he turns on the car, the radio comes on blaring a pop song I don't know. I honestly have no idea what's on the charts at the moment. He turns the volume down. "I'm sorry if I freaked you out with that, Eve, I should've thought it through more before bringing it up."

"No, don't worry about it. I shouldn't be scared anyway, it's stupid." I buckle up and he pulls out of the parking lot.

"It's not stupid," he says shortly.

"Okay then." I was fully expecting some long, inspirational speech that people might tattoo snippets of on their body, or at least a lecture on why I shouldn't put myself down and why my feelings are valid. I decide to go on, "But I am scared. Like, what if something happens and it's my fault and there's nothing I can do?"

"Then there's nothing you can do. There's always a chance that something might happen, and it's okay to be scared, but you can't let it hold you back from experiencing the rest of your life." Ah, there it is. "You're so strong and you've gotten through so many things, and this'll just be another one of those things, you know?"

"I thought you'd say something like that."

"That's it? Don't you mean to say, 'Thanks, that was so deep and inspiring'?" he jokes.

"Thanks, Dad." Sure, it was inspiring and spoken at a level of eloquence I could only dream of achieving, but did it melt my fear away? Will I take it all to heart, or did it just go in one ear and out the other?

Undecided.