Sane - fear of men

*************

"Let me adjust my crown

Before we get the

Day started."

I shot my own brother. I hurt my own brother. He hates me most definitely.

It's been a weeks since he's spoke to me and all he gives me is dirty looks of disgrace and moved way from like I'm a disease when I'm in close proximity.

Even trying to apologise to him is incredibly difficult if you don't have his trust. Then he went on to call me a killer.

Killer. That stung like bee sting. The rest of my brothers had repeatedly told me I count off control what happened that day in the crash, I even began to open up on talking about it more and Luca just shut me down.

"Luca if you let me-

"Shut up! You killed my dad and you wanted to kill me?! You're so mean!"

There, a prime example of what I have to deal with any time I want to justify my accident that was NOT intentional. I was trying to play and be goofy but perhaps I forgot it was an actual working gun for a second.

"Luca stop," Diego was shaking his head in disgust at his foul choice of words. It's so difficult for to apologise without him throwing it back in my face.

Elijah also miss his head in a strong agreement. His lip seemed to be curled into a snarl and his left brow was raised with every word of bitterness Luca spoke "Luca stop this now. It was an accident. Stop acting like you haven't hurt anyone before!"

"She shot me!"

"I'll join in on the party as well if you don't shut the fûck up!"

The entire family seemed to be divided. Some being quiet, some being violent, some being stronger than others. We just don't act like a family. Whereas Felix... I envy him and his relationship with his family. He and his family always seem happy within each other and confide in each other when they smell a problem. We need to trust one another and if we don't have a stable level of trust throughout the house then we can't work together and we can't function as a family.

"It's fine, Lijah."

"Actually it isn't fine. Luca get over it! You want me to pretend you didn't break Diego's wrist that time when he tried to play on your piano?!"

Oh shit.

"That was an accident!"

That's weird considering mine was an actual accident that was honestly a bad placement of my fingers. I don't go out of my way to snap peoples' wrists do I? Ignore the fact I've thought about it before. Also ignore the fact I've thought about killing people and biting people. In addition, ignore when I stabbed Cassidy a year ago. I miss him every day but he's never around anymore; he told Blade he was more focused on university so I can't blame him. Just one day I hope to see him again.

"Was it though? Breaking someone's wrist for touching a stupid piano doesn't seem like an accident. Get out of my sight," he points to the door.

"NOW!"

"Piss off you flat tit."

"LUCA GET YOUR ARSE OUT OF HERE NOW!" Elijah stands up to show his stance and threat against Luca. Luca scrams to his feet and bolts from the room. Elijah coughs into his fist and composes himself and recollects his mood and sits back down with a bright smile.

"Ally?" I ask.

"Hm? What?" He looks away from the screen to his phone.

"Can I speak to you after lunch?" I gulp. Blade doesn't seem too keen on the idea by the looks of his eyes rapidly moving between me and Alessandro.

Something just wasn't adding up. Shawn can't be my dad. I refuse. I will not accept the fact he is my father when he only came in my life when I was around three years old. So where was he for the other three years? Damien told me Shawn or Shane (consider the fact he could not remember his name) moved away from Romeo around fourteen or fifteen years ago. But that doesn't make sense to me! He and my mum met when I was three. There's so tired that my mum told me on how she fell in love with him! But we know how much of a liar she can be.

For all I know; this guy could be called 'Shane' and not 'Shawn.' But still, Shawn was a fat man and Blade and I plus the twins all have naturally small builds. We're slim but tall. Something didn't seem right at all. I believe I was too quick to believe what Damien said I want to ask Alessandro to see him again. Without Blade. I want to ask some things and Blade can be a nuisance. As much as I love him until death, there's some things o need to do on my own.

"Yeah. Though there's not much time left, I need to leave in a few minutes so what's bothering you?"

"In private I mean."

He wipes his mouth of any food and stands up to push his chair under. "Thanks, Val, it was delicious as always." He sends her an appreciative nod. "C'mon pip," he answers cheerfully as his figure paces to the door leaving me no tile to catch up to him quickly.

"Sup?"

He was pacing around the kitchen island to fill up the kettle and rinse his coffee cup out. "Can I come with you today? To work I mean?" I follow him.

"Why? Are you feeling okay?"

I cough, "yeah. You don't have to watch over me either. Darci and Marci can take care of me whilst you do your business."

"They aren't there today. Well they are but we're going out to look for somewhere else to invest some money. We have to go to Sheffield for the day to meet some of our friends or something. I dunno. But I'm going to be out all day and night."

DAMN IT!

"That's fine. I can bring Felix with me. Cant I? I mean it's literally no secret anymore. He knows everything but chose to keep his mouth shut," I give him a pointed look.

Never understood why they never handed Alessandro in to the police if they knew so much about Ally and the things he's done. Including the fact Felix's sister died because of his drugs.

"Yeah because I forced them to. Haha that's funny actually. They didn't really have a choice. I would kill them before they even get the chance," his low and sinister laugh taunts me.

Would be really do something like that? I know he's a ruthless and menacing man but he has his morals. He knows I'd never forgive him if he did something like that.

"I'd never forgive you if you did something like that."

"Your forgiveness doesn't bother me, Em. Either way I'm still your guardian. Hate me all you like, doesn't fuss me," he pinched my cheek then twists the cap to the travel mug.

Forgetting about my shoes, I follow behind him and regret it when the floor outside was soaking wet.

"New car?"

"Yup. I honestly wish I could buy more cars. But I'm not that young anymore. It's more of a Blade thing if you ask me."

Didn't ask for your entire life story.

It bad matte black exterior with a beige leather and brown interior with accents of orange. It was truly gorgeous and amazing. Looked so soft and delicate to the touch but it cold and biting on my fingers when I traced it across the stitching.

"Em, you can't come-

"Please."

I needed to speak to Damien again. I wasn't even sure if Damien was here today but I had a gut feeling there wasn't something he was telling me. I was adamant to find out what it was but if Alessandro doesn't let me come with him today I might never get to see him again. A little exaggeration but it's true.

"Won't Nummie be there?"

"Who?"

"Nummie. My friend," I roll my eyes and stand in the tips of my toes to stop the majority of my feet from being soaked by the rough, chalky feel of the cobbles below me.

He was thinking about it, I was just praying that he lets me come with him because I was so desperate. "Fine. You aren't getting in the car with wet feet. Change your socks and get some shoes on," with a roll to his eyes, he switches the engine off and rolls up the window blocking me out.

************

"I'll be here to pick you up at midnight. If you need anything, Evan is here so go to him," he points to the bar tender who was cleaning a glass with a white rag. Pretty boy. I remember him.

"Got it!" I try my best to wrap my arms around his torso before he and to pry me off of him. "I'll see you later. Be good," he playfully warns me.

Skipping over to the bar, I stare at his floppy blonde and his beautiful patterns of his sweet, penetrating brown swells at are beaming onto the glasses that he cleans. Perfect October eyes - deep brown with specks of gold like the sun shining through a window. A perfect example if golden hour was an eye colour. So enchanting and beautiful I felt like I was drowsing in them like the deep ocean.

His blonde hair was sweeper effortlessly over his forehead with different dirty and honey blonde strands fusing together.

"You're really pretty."

My sharpness to my words catch him off guard. It was his response I loved the most: "I know. I love me too."

My face was stunned but in a good way; I was proud almost. "Cocky and confident. Love it." I watch him swipe the damp cloth down the bar removing the stickiness from it. The nostalgia. Every time mum, Shane and I would go for a meal at a pub/restaurant it was gross but also comforting to see the sticky tables. It just brought back memories from my childhood.

"I know. Cant help that I'm in love with myself," he replied in a joking tone with a smirk playing on his face.

"Relatable. I love me too. If I were you I'd be bowing at my feet. Wouldn't you?" I play with him in the same teasing tone he did before, creating the same response to spew fork his mouth. "Cocky and confident. Love it."

"Hehe. Hey umm you haven't seen a man round here?" Curse me for being not specific and being blanked out vague with my enquiry.

"Yeah. I think I saw about one hundred pass through here in the past hour. How can I help you?"

"Funny," I was dry with my words, "I mean tall, brown hair, blue eyes. Damien? He here? I really need to speak to him?"

"How much do you really need to see him?"

"I'm desperate!" I plead him with my hands pressed together. He thinks about it for a few minutes but turns away laughing under his breath. Sexy laugh you have.

"Fine. He's in his office on the fifteenth floor. Cant help you there because I have to stay down here."

So he is here. I'm fine with going to go look for myself. Damien needs to give me more answer. The correct answers that I was looking for in the first place because I have a gut feeling pounding in my stomach telling me that he wasn't telling me the full truth. He will tell me.

"How do I get there?" I sounded ridiculously stupid and feeble minded but is there stairs I can take? Scratch that, I'm too lazy to do that.

"Elevator. Take your first left from the end of the hall and wait for it to come back down," he uses his fingers as a demonstration for me to use as a guide. Thankfully, I kept repeating the simple yet difficult instructions it in my head so I didn't forget it.

"Thanks- oh and there's three more shot glasses over there that haven't been cleaned up. Just thought I'd tell you," my insincere smile glistens on my cheeks painting a disingenuous image for Evan to see. That's for taking too long to respond to me.

Bolting to the door, I repeat the sequence in my head. Right at the end of the hall. Go right to the end of the hall. Where did it end though? It felt like it went on for miles and miles draining the energy from my legs causing them to burn. There was so many branches to this long hall that I wasn't sure where it ends.

After running around and walking down many different routes, I'm finally exposed to the vast glass entry. I could see the locals outside walking by with shopping bags in their arms.

"Gum Girl! Im so happy to see you," I pant being out of breath from the running. Smacking her gum, she looks me up and down but then rolls her eyes and shoved a paper manual sign in sheet. You've got to be kidding me.

"Sign in here babe," she uses her new pink eagle claws to satisfyingly tap on the desk which made a blissful sound to my ears.

"No thanks-

"Sign in here babe."

"I need to know where the-

"Babe, sign in." Giving me a deadly look, she urges me to with a pen forced into my hand. Growling in deep frustration, I slam my fists down and draw three untidy hearts and call it my signature.

"There."

"Thanks, babe." She kisses the air then begins to grin. "You're an official visitor now."

"Okay cool. Don't care. Can you tell me where the elevator is? OOH can you tell me which office Damien is in?" I jump up on the spot with excitement cursing through me. It saves me so much time so I don't have to check every single office Ik search of Damien. I needed answers as soon as possible.

Chapping her lips viciously, her lip curls and her nose scrunches in response to my request.

Someone definitely pissed I'm her cup of tea this morning. Eat some weetabix and it'll make you feel better.

"We have thirteen Damiens that work here. We have four in the investors department. We have two in the laundering department. Five in the trading department and two in the 'we don't care about what they do because they're irrelevant' department. Which one?"

What did Damien do? It was all a mystery to me. I assume he's quite irrelevant for some reason, he didn't 'pop' out to me and scream relevancy. No offence of course. "Let's check the last one. Brown hair. Tall. Blue eyes. Ring any bells in that empty mind of yours?" My voice was overly sarcastic and optimistic at the same time.

"Mkay, babe. Floor fifteen and office nineteen. Bye, babe," she shakes the tub of gum beside her mouse and looks inside. "It's the last one. You want it?" She urges me almost. I shake my head and insist I get going. Swirling it around its container, she wings her head back and not one piece of gum comes out, four does. Considering the amount she takes a day, that would be considered one serving of gum rather than one piece.

Waiting for the elevator to come back down felt like gears of my time waited ageing. This building was crazily large so it makes sense for it to take this long. Plus waiting for the other people to get in and get off in their stop. I could've used the stairs and be there by now but walking up fifteen sets of stairs didn't appeal to me.

"Fourteen... fifteen... sixteen... seventeen... eighteen... NINETEEN!" I twist the corner to see a man leant back in his office chair with a pen dangling from his mouth. I could see perfectly through the blinds and knock on the crystal clear window to alert him of my presence.

"Yoohoo! It's me!" I bang my sissy on the door but don't wait for a response before opening the door with jazzy hands then locking it behind me. Looks fishy but he's not going anywhere.

After inviting myself in, I rock back on my feet as I wait patiently yet impatiently for him to take a single glance up at me. Coughing into my fist didn't work either. He was so drowned and invested into his work that the existence of time again wasn't even an option.

"Oh... you again? What are you doing here?" For assurance, he weirdly looks around for company but then he realised we were alone.

"Russo. How can I help?"

"Well you see, It took me a while but I finally smelt bullshit and let me tell you Small D it does not smell good at all," my lips pull into a grimacing mouth.

"What? Listen... I told you and your brother everything I knew about your stepdad."

"Stepdad? You said you didn't know him that well. How did you know my stepdad was called Shawn? I never said he was my stepdad." My rush of words flooring from my mouth catches him off guard so he starts stuttering. "I-I'm pretty uhh sure you did hehe." He takes the pen from his mouth leaving a disgusting string of spit. He clears it away with the back of his hand.

"No, I assure you, I didn't."

"Oh. I'm sure one of your brothers would've at some point-

"See I don't believe that. I know you know who exactly my dad is. I need you to tell me."

He was thinking for a solution whilst twisting on his with the slight movement on his foot. "I don't know."

"Stop lying."

"I'm not-

I cut him off with my finger "Yes you are. Who's my dad?!" He was shivering with the jittery nerves. Not because he was scared, because he didn't know what to say to me.

"Shawn came into my life when I was three years old. So who is this mystery Shane or Shawn? Please do tell me."

"It... it wasn't him- I've already said too much. You need to go," he was prepared to stand up and escort me from the room but I stood my ground. "Make. Me." With that he sat back down with a bouncing leg.

"Your brothers would kill me. I've been in this business for so long I can't lose it all now," his eyes were watering.

"Whats that supposed to mean? My elder brothers don't even know yet." Emilia, it's time to bring your manipulative behaviour out. I hate and love this side to me. It's not good what I'm doing but if I can get answers out of him I'll do it.

"You know what I've been through?! I was tortured by my supposed 'dad' whom you claim is my biological torture. His friends HURT me. I lost my mum to cancer. Oh and get this, I found out I had brothers after my mum lied to me for thirteen years. She told me my dad didn't want me so if that's true then how can Shawn be my dad? I ended being TRAPPED in a hell hole that im still currently living in. The least you can give me is some answers that I need. I've got NO parents. I need them. Please. Anything. I just need them right now. I won't stop." I switch on my waterworks to add to the seven I was acting out perfectly.

She'll never forgive me for this but I need it. She's not the person I always thought she was. She was a lying, deceitful woman. The epitome of lady Macbeth herself. My entire life I've never had the answers I needed to be stable in the mind, I'm desperate.

"I-I- please don't make me do this."

"So you know."

Stuttering, he trips over his words and nods yes because he couldn't fine the right words to tell me.

"Who is it?"

No response.

"So you lied?"

No response.

"And what gain did you get from lying to me and my brother about who my dad was? For what? You did that for what?" It was true what I was saying. There was no gain from him lying unless he was trying to cover something up for himself.

"You need to go."

"TELL ME!"

Continuously he was shaking he head in denial but his actions and lack of words there of was making it blatantly obvious he was close to telling me. "Please go."

"No. Not until you tell me."

"Why are you so desperate to know? I can definitely tell you're a Russo. Why are you all so stubborn? You and your mother are nasty little cows that need to go away! Get out of my office now! Now!"

What did he say? Oh so he knew her? He knew my mum? That's for the secret pal, now tell me everything else.

"You knew her?"

"What?! No- yes I mean yes. Briefly. Heard of. What's with the fifth degree?!"

"Third degree."

Why was he so offended? He seemed hurt almost like I plunged a knife deep into his chest and twisted it until his heart stopped. Gory but it's what everyone imagines sometimes. "Why is there a big issue in you telling me?"

"Who is my dad."

"Damien, who is my dad?" Suddenly, my voice was no longer strict and stone cold. It was delicate and soft. When he fails to me my eye that's when I knew.

It's him.