Hey again. I'm apologising in advance if this is a crap chapter, I'm just not motivated lately :(

I Always Wanna Die - 1975

On with the chapter... 💛

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My eyes drift to the gorgeous young woman who I idolise, she wore a crisp white dress that propelled around her ankles. Her hair was curled slightly from the night before, but she braided it again and tied the cutest ribbons in her hair.

She laughs with her arms in the air, but it slowly fades, and she twirls in circles getting her dress tangled in the tall wheatgrass. I could see the lace under a layer of her dress getting dirtied on by the green grass that left stains.

It was a wonderful summer's day, the sun that shone so bright even Hades could see it, bees buzz doing their best job with the pollen, and the birds twitter away creating a nice harmony to sing to. Kind of like Snow White I suppose. The thought made me smile.

She pulled branches to her nose, inhaling the floral scent and released them before snapping a picture with the camera that hung from her neck like the pendant she wore ever so elegantly.

She claimed the grass was itching her legs. And I laugh with her feeling a wholesome swelling in my chest. That was love.

"I love you, baby," she stops and turns to me with the most perfect and elegant smile.

"I love you too, mama," I slide my palm in hers, interlacing our hands as we walk down the large hills and fields.

This was a sight I could get used to, the valleys of trees that sway and dance with the rhythm of the wind creating a light breeze that blows our hair into a mess.

"I'd love to stay like this forever... just me, you and nature that embeds into our home. No one else, that's what I call 'bliss,'" she shines me a dazzling smile showing me her pearly white teeth and dimples that were so deep that they were deeper than the abyssal Pacific Ocean.

"I'd love that."

She starts humming a tune which I gladly join along with, soon we break out into a chorused song feeling nothing but joy.

"The birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above... and a thing I call love," we try and imitate the great Jewel Akens with his wonderful masterpiece.

"Mr Akens never fails us with his words of art does he?" She sighs reminiscing all the times we used to sing the song while cooking and gardening.

"Never."

She falls back onto the grass disappearing for a moment since the grass was so long, then I fall back with her and just stare up at the sky.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" She asks putting her head on my shoulder.

"Truly."

"How about we make a promise?" She sits up and I follow in suit, I was a little drowsy for a moment from moving too quickly but I soon came back to reality.

"Okay," I giggle holding my pinkie out.

"We'll never leave each other, and we'll always love each other," she joins her pinkie into mine shaking it.

"Love you," I compliment her with a hug.

"Forever and a day..."

"Mila? Darling, wake up," a light a heartfelt voice brings me to life. I gasp when I see Blade on the side of my door unbuckling my seatbelt.

"W-what?" I groan confused with my surroundings.

"Yeah you're out of it," he lifts me out of the car and steadies me to my feet where I see Diego and Felix helping one another with the luggage and the tents etcetera.

"Hm?" I mumble not hearing him correctly, it took a while for me to stretch and rub the sleepiness from my eyes.

"Nothing, Mila." He wraps a protective arm around me and pulls one of the bags along with him leaving Diego and Felix to figure out the rest.

"I like your shoes," he laughs at the mismatched shoes that I managed to pull off successfully. I was still really sleepy and it was a chore to speak too much.

"Thanks."

I wanted to see her again. I know it was just a dream but it felt so real, I wanted to jump back in it and see her again. She promised she'd never leave me and here I was, wanting to cry over a stupid dream.

We both made a promise to never leave each other and here we are, in separate worlds. She's living in peace while I'm living in a never-ending and ceaseless nightmare.

"What're you thinking about?" He asks me calmly.

"Mama."

"Oh. I'm sorry... what's going on? Why're you thinking about her?" He squeezes my shoulder slightly.

"Because I want to see her. And be with her. And maybe just forget the past few months and getaway, you have no idea how much I've hated the last few months of my life," I shake my head of all the terrible memories that've happened in the last few months. Including Shawn.

"I get that. We can only hope it'll get better now. Right?" He laughs at the end but I just stay with my straight face.

"It's not though is it? The number of times I've been promised things will get better and it never does. You guys are killing me slowly,"' I scoff at him remembering all the times I've been promised a good life and I'm still waiting for it to come. But it never does.

"I'm to blame for that-

"You all are. You preach about honesty yet lie to me every minute I'm around. What was one of the rules? Always tell the trust or something? News flash, if you want to know things about me and how I'm feeling you're going to have to be honest with me first. Stop lying," I demand him but he looks away out of guilt.

"You have Cordelia to talk to and Mia. We're all here so you can talk to us," he tries to give me his pathetic advice.

"Cordelia? She's planning on marrying my brother. I hardly class her as someone who I'd choose to talk to, besides, she claims to be a therapist yet damages people's self-esteem. What kind of person does that?" I lean closer into Blade since it was super cold.

"I'll have a little... chat with her about that, don't you worry."

We proceed through the check-in service and show photo identification and begin to set up, I wasn't too familiar with this, I've never been camping before so this was so strange to me.

It didn't take long for Blade and Diego to finish the two tents brought with them - I hope the other brought their tents because this is going to be cramped - while Felix and I sit back just watching them do their crafts.

"What in your mind, you seem stressed," Felix pulls my head to my should as he looks in the distance for Rain and Luca. They were probably like ten minutes away.

"Alessandro. I found something," I whisper and he palms my head with a sweet, soothing hand.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. There was this uh... receipt you could call it, it had a number and a code which I managed to solve it," I lean over to where the luggage was and dig through my bags to find the small envelope that I put a few things in that I might need. The crumpled piece of paper was one of them.

"This is very useful," I investigate it with slanted eyes, he also draws his fingers across the numbers.

"I know. I'm not too sure what the context is behind it but I know it means something. The translation is on the back if you'd like to have a look," I take it from his slender hands and turn it around for him.

"Hold on- is this for real?" He asks seriously holding the scrap paper in between his pointer and thumb.

"Yeah-

"Where'd you find it?" He inquires in a whisper voice since my brothers were still around.

"In Alessandro's desk. In the bedroom. I went snooping. Oh and get this, I went up to the third floor-

"You what?" He suspends my speech with a proud tone.

"-I went up to the third floor and found a bunch of files. It's all too crazy, lemme try and remember. Umm... oh yes! There were these files - hundreds maybe - that was filled with information about everyone. And some from my past life," I stare deep into his aghast expression.

He takes a moment taking in what I said and bites his inner cheek with his knee bopping up and down with the nerves.

"It- it shocks me how you haven't put it together-

"So tell me," I hold the back of his head with hands bringing his face close to mine. I could feel his hot breath fanning on my face from the proximity.

"Fine. But if I tell you this, you need to promise you won't go running off to your brothers and I mean it," he warns pulling his face away.

"I promise you."

"Okay," he takes a deep breath while I make sure my ears are wide open so I can hear everything. "It's my-

"Hey losers!" Rain jumps out from behind us making us scream and jump. I felt my heart skip a beat or two as I let out an ear-piercing screech.

"Rain!" I shout at her in a playful tone shoving her aside. She giggles and sits on the muddy floor looking up at us on the seats.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it," she laughs placing a blotchy, blue hand over her mouth to contain her giggles.

My eyes dart to the distance where I see Luca tripping over his shoelaces. His body plummets to the ground and the water splatters all over his yellow raincoat dirtying it. He lifts his face from the swampy and murky liquid. I can see strings of spit dangling from his mouth as he tries to get the bitterness and gritty dirt out of his mouth.

He was so clumsy that it's adorable. He can sweeten any heart with his clumsiness.

"Dude," Diego pants as he tries to breathe from laughing so much, in the end, he holds out a generous hand pulling Luca up.

Luca shakes his body like a wet dog and peels the now chestnut coloured coat, which was once yellow, off of him and into Diego's hands.

"Oi! Take this!" Diego shouts running after Luca with the coat in his hand.

I chuckle and shake my head making eye contact with Felix for a moment. I'm sorry Rain, but you just stopped me finding out a huge secret that may help me figure out what was going on with my brothers.

"How was the car ride with Al?" I ask Rain was fiddling with the grass and pulling it out of the ground in big chunks. Good for you girly.

"Amazing. He was super nice and took me and Luca to the McDonald's drive-through," she beams.

Where the heck was my food?! I hardly call that equality, I wish I'd have gone with Alessandro despite the quarrelling.

"What did you get?" I ask in a whiny voice.

"Fish finger happy meal," she says proudly.

"That's not a happy meal if you got fish... and who gets happy meals now? They could barely feed a duck with the portion sizes," I frown wishing I had a milkshake and salty fries in my hand. I always dipped them in the milkshake, it tastes so good.

"Meh. I like to fish. And I didn't want to be rude so I just said one of the smallest things on the menu. It was just a delicious as any other meal," she shrugs not bothered. If someone is offering to pay for some food you don't get the smallest meal on the menu, you buy the ENTIRE menu.

"But... but... never mind," Felix and I laugh it off and stand up.

"Hey, sweetheart," I hear Cassidy in the distance and run to give him a welcoming hug. Aspen just walked off probably in the search of Blade. It seems as though every time she sees him she has to punch him. Serves him right.

Unfortunately behind them, was the Jayden (which I don't mind now), Josh and Kelsey. I bane their entire existence until death does us part.

"Hi," I mumble into his now itchy chest since the velcro on his jacket was digging into my cheek.

I let go of him and make a useless, pathetic and awful attempt at pulling his bag but for some reason with just wouldn't move at all. It was like it was glued to the ground.

"I-

Cassidy dismisses me and drags the bag along with him, it was even heavy for him too so I know I'm not weak.

"What've you been up to?" He asks grunting from the weight of the bag.

"You saw me two days ago, not much has changed," I laugh along with him.

"What do you have in there?" I point to the heavy, industrial bag he was dragging along the dirty floor, it must've left skids of green along the bottom. Grass stains were always a pain to get out.

When my mum and I were visiting fields close to our house - just like we did every Saturday - I made the mistake of wearing a white, loose dress that was belted by a white ribbon that came with it, I would fall over and get the knees dirtied with green. Same on my butt.

"Not for children," he pries my hands off of the zipper and switches hands giving his other hand a break.

"Like what?"

"Beer," he exclaims with a pointed finger.

"Well... it's not really for kids then. Let's be honest, no Brit listens to the age of drinking alcohol, do they? You were probably getting drunk at thirteen."

He shakes his head, stifling a nervous laugh avoiding my accusation. Not one Brit listens to that age, let's be honest.

"Well..." he drags out looking away from me blushing. He looks cute when he blushes.

"Who knew Cassidy was such a rebel?!" I shout jokingly and follow behind watching him struggle. I tried to help him, but he's too adamant that he didn't need it.

***********

"You want one?" Rain holds and a small plate with a chocolate-covered biscuit for me to try, she claimed she held it above the fire so that it was nice and gooey on top.

"Thanks," I gladly take the plate from her licking my lips and drooling a little.

My hungry throat devours the biscuit and every last crumb on the plate. I even dragged my tongue across the plate because I was so famished from not eating much breakfast this morning, and it was almost dinner time and my tummy was begging for some food.

"I'm still hungry," I pat my stomach for emphasis. Blade and Josh just stare acknowledging my presence and rolling their eyes.

"I'm cooking burgers, can't you see?" Remarks Blade who was actually, flipping some burgers on a disposable barbecue.

"Don't forget the hotdogs," Luca points out with a packet of hotdogs. I wasn't a huge fan of them because the idea of them being so processed isn't appealing to me. I find revolting.

"Yes, Luca. We know," Blade rolls his eyes at him bouncing his leg up and down.

"Who pissed in your cup of tea this morning?" Asks Diego who was glaring evilly at Blade. When Diego goes all 'protective brother mode' on Luca I find it sweet and adorable.

"You did. Two years ago. As a 'prank' as I recall," Blade gives a pointed look, making Diego recall what happened two years ago.

"You drank his pee?" Aspen staggers back looking disgusted, "you're forgetting I kissed those lips - many times might I add - and you drank pee?!" She gags pretending to throw up.

"I've brushed my teeth since then, don't worry," Blade replies to Aspen's scrunched face.

"Still."

"I'm sorry..." I let out a howling laugh, "... what kind of prank is that?"

"April fools day," Jayden reminds me of the loathsome day which I always execrated when that time of year popped around.

When I had friends, they'd stick pads onto my locker and tape tampons onto my locker because at that time I didn't have my period until a few months after that. And look here, it disappeared again. I am hoping it will come back very soon though. Besides the point, it was embarrassing when I'd have to put the pads in the bin.

I'd take offence to this, but I was too much of a wuss to confront them about it. I mostly felt offended because it felt as though they were making a mockery of the fact I hadn't had my period yet while my other friends did. You could say I was the oddball of the group.

Don't get me started on when the boys would call me 'bloodless baby' and everyone would laugh with them. I was called this because I was incapable of being a woman. It's the sad reality of growing up - there are bullies and then there are friends that bully you. I'm not quite sure where I fall in these categories.

"Right," I frown to the dirty ground.

My time was well wasted as I drew in the dry part of the dirt with a long stick that sometimes snapped little by little. It was fun drawing hearts with the letter 'L' inside of it.

"Eat," a small plate with a burger on it was rested on my lap, it was scorching hot since the bun had also been toasted on the barbecue.

It wasn't half bad, it just tasted like beefy charcoal. I don't usually opt for beef since it's not my cup of tea, but when it was burnt it was incredibly delicious. Especially with the crunchy lettuce and cheese mixed with the onions and tomatoes which I gladly gave to Luca. He ate them too, but the onions did leave behind a taste which made the burger better.

"That was quick," Felix chuckles as I look down at the empty plate where a few sesame seeds lay sleeping.

I just said seeds were sleeping. Can I get any more ridiculous?

"Yeah... I was hungry," I lick off my fingers and then rub it down my trousers. That's very unhygienic of me, I've been touching sticks that I've been ok the ground and then I've put them in my mouth.

One word: gross.

"I can see," Felix replies diverting his attention back to his hotdog with ketchup.

My eyes take a picture of the surroundings hoping I never delete it; it wasn't extremely dark, just sunset time. I could see the reflection of the sun just glimmering away on the rippling lake waters.

It was stunning. Never seen anything like it before.

"Where are you going?" Kelsey asks me rudely as I stand up and walk over to the lake.

"Nowhere," I manage to squeeze through Aspen's and Blade's chairs so I could get through to see the docs. I wasn't too sure why she was invested where I was going.

When I finally make my way through the maze of twigs and stones which crunched under my steps, I take a deep breath and rest my elbow against the creaky and mossy post which helped prop up the wooden deck.

Not going to lie, the smell wand there best, it was salty to the point where I could taste it in my mouth. But it was manageable, it wasn't the best but far from the worst.

"You look gorgeous, Poseidon," I look at my sharp and rippled version of myself in the water just admiring the beauty. I wasn't admiring myself, I was admiring the beauty of water.

So fascinating. I always wondered how the water got here. How was water even created? How do we make water? How did we get the ocean? I have so many questions.

Come to think of it, no one knows the answers. No one was there at the birth of the Earth to know exactly what happened. How do people even know the Big Bang happened? Maybe Earth was here all along and the scientists and astrologists made up this crazy fantasy to create an explanation for the unknown. When in fact, we're just living under the government's control in a simulation. Just a thought.

I told you my thoughts were pretty wild. And this is one of them. I also don't understand how we know so much about space and other universes when we haven't even dissected our own yet. That's so crazy to me.

Tell me how: one cell - smaller than an atom - blew up bigger than anything to ever exist in a nanosecond. Where's the logic? How on earth do we know this?! I demand answers.