Hey!!!

My headline media still isn't working so any song, but I can recommend a song- RIP by Joji

🚨 TW: knives/ flashbacks and inappropriate touching. If you aren't comfortable with this, you are welcome to leave [italics will be the start of the flashbacks] 🚨

On with the chapter... ✨

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✨Emilia POV

Light voices and hushed whispers woke me up from my slumber, sitting up straight, I rub the sleepiness from my eyes and blink a few times to gain my sight back.

Groaning, I prop myself up on my elbows to look around the darkroom to see two large figures standing in front of the bed.

"Al, I'll make sure the deal goes through," I think it was Elijah's voice that spoke, I watched as the other man which I presumed was Alessandro, slip an immense amount of money into his palm. I could only see the shadows but I could still hear the sound of the money being crunched and folded.

"Lijah?" I mumble.

"Oh sorry for waking you, go back to sleep." He pushes my shoulders back until they hit the bed again. This wasn't my bed, this was like laying down on fluff, it was too comfortable to be my bed.

Slowly, my memory of last night flushes to my mind, I was watching Spirited Away on Alessandro's bed, I must've fallen asleep. I'm not mad about it though, I wish I could sleep in there all the time, his bed makes Heaven sound mediocre.

I also remember his sorting his paper work out by throwing vast amounts into different sections on the floor, I didn't know what the paperwork was as about but I can at least say it was a lot. And... I mean a lot. Thousands of pieces of paper were flying around the room into messy sections. I might be a messy girl, but I could never work in his type of messy.

"Mph...what time is it?" I croak out sitting up straight again.

"6:43, go back to sleep, Em." Alessandro pushes my shoulders back but I refuse. I was awake now, there was no way I was going to get back to sleep.

"Mph... no," I groan again.

Detangling my legs from the duvet, I stand up listening to the wooden floor creak under my weight, I stretch my arms out as far as I can.

"It's too early, Bambina, you should be sleeping," Elijah speaks.

"Sleep, I'll wake you up soon for breakfast, I'm just going to the gym for a little. Sleep, please." Alessandro guides me back to the bed and pulls the covers up so I can slip my legs in but I remain standing.

"I promise you, I'm fine, I don't need more sleep."

"Are you sure? You have a long day ahead of you, you'll need all the rest you can get." Alessandro strokes my hair which was very calming.

"This is why coffee exists." I smile at him.

"Nah ah," he tuts moving his index finger side to side.

"You're not having coffee. No way." Alessandro consoles in me.

"If I can sleep in the car, I don't need much sleep anyways." I give him a light hug before leaving him and Elijah alone I'm his room. His bed shall be missed.

Even though I felt debilitated, I need to shower because not only did I stink of last night's dinner, but I needed to be recharged and the only way I could do that was to shower.

Letting the shower warm-up, I retreat to my room in the search for the outfit of the day. Most likely jeans and a plain shirt and a woolly jumper because England is cold. No, England is frigid and algid with sharp cutting winds that could knock you off of your feet.

In theory, what I wore didn't matter, I just wanted to be warm and jeans weren't the way to go. But jeans were probably the most stylish thing I own, mostly because I'm basic but being basic isn't a bad thing. It just means I'm too lazy.

Once I'd gathered my toiletries and clothes, I began to undress in front of the mirror. Big mistake. My inner soul stared darts right back at me.

Just one small look.

My body still looked it had been put through a shredder, my ribs continued to protrude; my pelvis jutted sharply- I looked disgusting.

It's just that something in particular that I always tried to avoid, caught my eye. The skin in the area was a lot pinker and firm than the rest of my body. The scar that travelled from my pelvis to my nonexistent breasts.

My mind always seemed to abstain the night I was gifted with this present. It was a present I could never forget.

It didn't even happen that long ago, just on the night of my thirteenth birthday.

Shaking my head and sighing, I pull the shower door open hoping that my memories of the night evaporate. But I couldn't help it, the memory chased my mind whenever I was in deep thought, I was trapped, I was enslaved by this one night of many that I was tortured by.

The only thing I could feel was scorching hot water falling down my spine and the cage in my brain slowly fracturing.

Today was supposed to be a great day for me, I finally became a teenager but no one was here to celebrate that with me. I had Shawn, but the only thing he was celebrating was the football match on the television with Michael and his many friends.

I say this like Shawn had many friends, he had two, Michael and Tate- two disgusting creatures.

Tate wasn't seen around here often but when he was, it was never good, in fact, I always dreaded the days when he would come by. His visits meant torture.

Right now, I was watching the football game through the railings because this was the only form of entertainment I had right now.

"I'm just gonna go to the toilet, tell me what happens when I get back." I watch as Tate comes closer into my sight, I hadn't reacted quick enough to get out of there, instead, his strong, meaty palm grasped my upper arm squeezing it extra tight.

"Hey, Emmy, did you have a great day? I heard it was your birthday." His wicked smile makes me ponder his intentions with me.

The next thing I know, he's pulling me down the bleak halls of the house until we stop just outside my bedroom.

"I've got a present for you, I think you'll like it very much. You want to see?"

I physically gulp when I see him, scout, through his dirty jean pocket for something. He pulls me closer to him the second I hear the sound of something slicing the humid air and being pressed against my lower stomach.

"I got you a gift, I got you some pain for your birthday, I thought you would like it considering pain suits you very well. In fact, why don't you hurt yourself right now or I will."

He's confusing me, I have no idea what he's talking about. Was this his subtle way of threatening me? Buying me pain? He's had too much to drink, I can smell it in his breath, smoke-infused breath with a side of whisky. An all too familiar smell that had become the staple aroma of the house.

I hiss in pain as I feel the light pressure of the blade against my pelvis bone, slowly and agonisingly, he pulls he knife up so I can feel a hot trail of fresh, crimson blood- I could smell the iron and metallic scent the blood possessed.

"You know I love to see you writhe under me, show me your pain. It's a good colour for you." He sniggers.

I try my best to keep my screams of pain in, but I shall not be defeated by an ogre.

I oath to stay strong.

Even though the knife wasn't pushed that far into me- it was just the tip- it was still enough to draw blood, even the thought of him touching me with an infected knife was enough to make me hurl and vomit.

Him touching me alone made me feel disgusted like I must wash the layer of skin away, every centimetre off skin he has touched made me want to cut out the areas of my skin. But if I was to do that, I'd have no skin left to my bones. This is the same skin that concealed my feelings for the past months that I have been in this place I call 'Hell.'

My brain can't stop this, it's not helping me forget any longer, it hurts to think about it so much. The pressure is boiling in my head and I'm scared it's going to overflow at any moment.

It's happening again, he's not leaving me alone, help me!

"Cry for me, Emmy, let me hear the voice I've always dreamt of." He spat into my ear.

"Stop!" I command him at once.

"Stop? Do you mean to go?" I pull the tip of the blade higher until it reaches my flat chest; my shirt was bunched around his wrist so my entire torso and chest were exposed for him to see.

My fingers curl in my drenched scalp in an attempt to pull him out of my head. His voice is still echoing in there, it just fades into the never-ending abyss.

Switching the water off, I push the now slippery door open with two hands and grab a towel to dry myself off.

Once I've done a thorough scrub of my body with the towel, I dress into my jeans which were difficult to pull up my legs because my legs were still a little sticky from the shower, and then my woolly jumper that went down to my knees.

"Emmy? You still in the shower?" Multiple knocks at the door send me into a frightened state.

Emmy, Emmy, Emmy. His voice.

Standing in front of the mirror, all I can imagine is seeing my naked body full of battle scars. Almost like my clothes were non-existent.

"Do you like it when I call you 'Emmy?'" He sneers.

The mirror was so dark and fuzzy, yet all I could imagine was Tate's hand touching every inch of my body while the iron saturated blood trickles down my thorax, just one single droplet that holds my soul.

"Emmy? Em? Breakfast is ready!" The voice shouts again.

Emmy, Emmy, Emmy.

"SHUT UP!!" I scream to the mirror, I didn't want to watch anymore, I didn't want to be looking at my body for any longer, it was like I was staring right at him, the way he was touching me with his calloused, rough fingers. He may be absent, but I could still see the dirty prints left on my body, so dirty and filthy.

"Bambina? What's wrong?" More shallow knocks tap on the door, it was making me frustrated, why wasn't it stopping?!

Pulling my forearm back, I launch them into the mirror multiple times watching as my reflection and memory of the night go away.

Silence.

Only worried shouts of people behind the door could be heard. But it was easy to block them out now. I was stuck in a bubble of relief.

Silence.

The silence in my mind felt like bliss. Sweet, sweet bliss. The silence in my head was loud enough to be heard from Mars. It was nice. Tate has gone.

They were all gone.

"Emilia? What did you do?" Elijah stormed into the bathroom with rage hanging above his head.

I ignore his inquiries and look at the millions of duplicates of me staring right back.

Soon after, Alessandro walked in with gym gear hanging close to his body, beads of sweat were hanging from his greasy brows.

"What did you do?" Alessandro's steely voice asks.

"Nothing."

What I did was I got rid of the demons. I sent them back to hell.

"Shît, are your hands okay?" Alessandro pulls my arms up to meet his eyes for inspection.

"I'll call Axel to see to them," Elijah mumbles leaping over the few pieces of speculum that managed to travel far enough to the door.

"Come on, get away from the glass." Alessandro pulled me out of the bathroom and out of my bedroom.

I... almost feel like I just killed someone, the guilt was twisting my mind into so many positions I couldn't even imagine- the problem was, I'm imagining too much.

Sorrow was raining down on me, heavy cold rain filled with so much anger and sorrow.

I wasn't sure what to feel, happy? But all I can feel is angry and frustrated, why do I feel like he's still watching me?

I was still stuck in a train of thought while being pulled through the halls, very little light emitted through the gigantic windows since it was very early and still dark outside. All that could be seen as the low rays of light peaking through, a murky overcast of blue mixed with orange lit up the frigid morning.

Just as Alessandro was about to raise his sweaty fist to knock on Axel's door, it was pulled open to reveal a shirtless Axel- he had a shirt on but it just wasn't buttoned up. Ew!

Even though Alessandro looked anxious and perturbed, I couldn't feel a thing other than the coiled feeling of guilt and relief. My physical pain was nothing compared to the agonising pain and the wrenched, poisoned my mind was cast under.

"Crap, what's happened?" Axel's voice distressed.

Peering down at the arms in front of me for the first time, I notice small scores laced round my wrists and fingers, nothing too extreme. Just tiny stab marks- but many of them.

"Dang it, Em," he slips his arms around my back and pulls me into the room. Not saying a word, I comply.

***********

It had been almost an hour since I had my incident and I hadn't spoken a word, not even a Bronx cheer.

As much as I wanted to hiss out in pain from the intense and stinging pain of the disinfectant liquid to clear my scratches, I wouldn't.

That's all they were, nothing big - I've been through worse things than this, this was minor and an inconvenience.

"You wanna talk about it?" Axel patches up my hands and forearm with a cream coloured bandage with unicorn tape to seal it. He said he had many different patterns of tapes, even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"No," I squeak.

"You can talk to me," Axel tries to reason with me.

"No."

"Maybe we can... you know? Get you some professional help?" He suggests, does he think I'm crazy?! It's very deteriorating to someone's mental health when you request them to get 'professional help,' it's just another way for them to call you crazy.

"Excuse me?" I inquire with an offended tone.

"Not like that, Em. I mean, would you like to talk to someone rather than your older brother who knows nothing about what you're going through. Maybe a counsellor? Therapist? Meditation therapy?"

"I'm not a psycho. Please don't put me in that situation." I croak out.

"I'm sorry, I'm worried about you. There is nothing wrong with accepting help. Please. We're all worried."

"I-I'm not crazy," I repeat.

"I know you're not. But please, we can pay for private meditation classes, counsellor sessions. It's not a choice. I'll have a talk with Alessandro and Elijah about this. I'm sure they will agree with me." He comforts me by engulfing me in a light hug.

There was no way I was going to win this, the only thing I could do was accept his 'help,' I didn't need it. I didn't need someone to talk to just so they can judge me afterwards. I don't need that in my life, counsellors are the people you put your trust in but they betray it by telling the people who are surrounded by you. It allows everyone to speak inappropriately about you, it makes them feel shame on you.

"Although you can talk to me, make sure you always know that."

"You can't force me to do anything. I'm not going to a stupid psychotherapy session!" I exclaim.

"You're right, but I can make you sit down in a chair with me for hours on end until you open up to me. That way I wouldn't be forcing you to do anything. Your mental stability is deteriorating, it saddens me to think being here is a bad choice."

"A-are you gonna send me back? Please, I beg of you, if you care about me at all you won't send me back there, my heart and soul shall die here. HERE."

"No, no, no, I worded that terribly, what I meant to say is that your mental health is... is disintegrating by the days, it's languishing. It's why I must try and help you. But the only way I can help you is if you help yourself. Ti Amo!" He says strongly yet I remain silent.

"Bambina, it can't be a choice anymore, your mind is spiralling and I don't want you to hit the bottom, because when you do, there's no saving you."

Yet again, I remain silent.

"Now what I want you to do today is: don't think about the conversation we just had, I'll talk to you about it later; please be careful with your hand, and finally enjoy yourself shopping with the boys. Also, don't forget to sleep in the car, I don't want a grumpy and cantankerous teenager when you come home." He slaps my cheeks lightly as an attempt for me to break a smile, it works... just a little.

"I'll speak to you about this later... okay? Would it make you feel better if I invited your friends to the party? What's her name again? Ron? Ra? Ran? Ru? Rainy? Whatever her name is, invite her and Felix to the party. I'll ask Alessandro to mail them a special invitation. Just smile." He kisses my forehead pulling me into a loving embrace.

He starts to pack the medical stuff away, I don't know what any of it's called but I know it's poison to the skin. It felt like he was pouring the spicy water over my cuts, it's not the best feeling in the world. Hehe, spicy water.

"You've never let me in your room before, it's very..." I pause a moment to help me think.

"Messy? Cluttered?" He speaks before I can.

"I was going to say calm, you have a crazy obsession with vinyls and movies. Almost like you're living in the past." I look at the coloured painting of Marilyn Monroe that was sectioned off into four different colours. Hundreds of pieces of vinyl leant you're against each other in a tight space below a maroon record player.

I'm loving it just like McDonald's chicken nuggets. Speaking of, weren't they accused of using human DNA in their food? It's kinda gross to think about but whoever I ate, I just wanted you to know that you tasted good. Oops, this isn't the time to joke about this, it's very serious.

Bringing attention back to the room, it had a very retro and calming accent to it. Relaxing.

"Yeah, it seemed a lot better back then." He tells me, sure style and music may have been better but society was a lot worse than it was today.

"Not really, sure there was great music- may the Beatles' music be remembered forever- but the society was screwed. Not exactly the best society for someone who was a person of colour or for someone who was apart of the LGBTQIA+ community. It was enjoyable for white, straight people, they never had to worry about their lives." I tell him while running my sore hands across the vinyl.

"If we're talking on the same terms...yes. Music and clothing were great, food too. But society wasn't the greatest. I love how you're so passionate about these things, your mum did a great job." He smiles widely.

"It's called human decency, it shouldn't be taught, it should be our nature. And either way, I'm in no predicament to judge someone for their beliefs and looks considering I look like... ground beef mince and have more history than a history book. Theoretically of course. Okay I lie, my past couldn't even compete with the amount of history behind us. It's such a beautiful thought though, to think about how far we've come. I mean... society today still needs altering but we have time. Oh, and trust me I'll wait, I'll wait for the homophobes to come out, I'll wait for the racists to admit they were wrong." I say so freely, it felt amazing.

"I like that. You're an amazing speaker. You've said more facts in your speech than what Luca has said in his entire life. It's amazing, a tiny body with such a big brain. It'll do wonders for us in the future." He says proudly.