Ahh. Tuesday.

A night without dance to spend with Mason since basketball season is over.

My plan for tonight, is to get him to tell me what he planned for Valentines day this weekend in NYC. That and because it's my birthday.

They also bought our tickets for the show, and they felt bad that now, all boys have a girlfriend going aside from Josh, so Tory, is now joining us.

Granted it took both mom and Trish to talk her dad in to it.

No hotel, no getting in to random cars. No uber, only cab unless we're walking, no parties.

Tory's dad is strict as hell, but honestly, he's so damn sweet.

My dad however, is currently jumping on me at 5:30 in the morning.

"Baby. Baby wake up!" He whispered loudly.

"Dad, you have over 100lbs on me. Why are you jumping on me." I groaned.

"Because you need to get up and shower." He whispered.

"Why?" I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and shook my head.

"Because I just got off the phone with Ronnie. He called me back and said he could fit us in this morning at 8."

"Dad, that is literally 2 and a half hours from now." I nodded.

"Yeah, well he's also in State College. Half hour to get ready, then an hour there. We'll stop and get breakfast."

"I don't think I've ever seen you this excited." I shook my head.

"You'll understand why when we get there." He smiled. "Come on. Up." He jumped off my bed and walked out of my room.

I got up, showered really quick. Threw on sweatpants, a sports bra, a hoodie, and threw my hair in a bun. I slid my boots on my feet and headed down the stairs by 6:00 to my mom and dad sitting in the living room.

"You ready?" He whispered.

I nodded.

"Enjoy honey." My mom smiled and kissed my cheek. "Send me a picture. OK?"

"Love you." I gave her a small smile.

My dad kissed my mom goodbye, and we headed to State College.

I however, slept the entire way.

Dad woke me up when we pulled in to a little diner about a 15 minutes from State College.

We walked in, sat down and ordered some breakfast.

"Before we go do this, I want to ask you 1 more time if you're absolutely sure you want to do this." He took a sip of his coffee.

"I'm sure." I nodded. "I just, I've spent so much time trying to forget it happened. But, forgetting it, it's not helping me heal. Forgetting it isn't gonna just wash away it happening. I guess, I want it as a reminder for when I want to forget it happened so there's proof that it did. It's not going anywhere. I want to accept it. But, I'm still having trouble doing it. I feel like, I owe it to Parker to remember that he was there."

He gave me a small smile and nodded. "OK."

"Can I ask you something now?" I pursed my lips.

"You can ask me anything honey. I just can't guarantee you'll like the answer."

"When we told you, if I was still pregnant, how would you have reacted?"

He took a deep breath, pursed his lips and nodded. "The truth?"

I nodded.

"I would've been fucking fuming. Granted, when you told us, I was still fuming, but I was more hurt. I was hurt for you, I was hurt for Mason. Truth is I still am. I'm hurt because you asked people to hide it from me as if you can't talk to me. But, it's heart breaking to me that, you felt like you had to go through that trauma and that heart break alone." He nodded. "Honey, you, as long as I'm here, you never have to go through anything alone. I don't care what's going on, I will find a way to cope with whatever it is, you will always have me to lean on. It's the same with your brothers."

"Do you think that you would've accepted it if I was still pregnant?"

He sighed. "Baby I'm not gonna sit and lie to you and say that it's not hard for me to accept still. But, if you were still pregnant, I don't know. I don't know how would feel through the whole pregnancy. I can guarantee that as soon as I saw him when he was born, I would've fallen in love with him the same way I did your brothers and you. The same way I will Annabel when she's born. So I think eventually, over time, I would've accepted it. And, in some way I already have. Because like you said. Just because he's not here, doesn't mean he didn't happen." He shook his head. "The fact of the matter is, I will always have a grandson that I didn't get to meet. But, that doesn't mean I don't love him the way I will Anna, or whatever children you, and Con, and Oak decide to have. Which is why today, I am also getting something Parker." He nodded.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's kind of like you. You are getting a tattoo to remind you that he happened. I'm getting one to remind me that even though he's not here, he is with me. Just like he's with you, and Mason, and everyone who DOES love him. That is what I have to cope with. That he may not physically be here, but he is with me in some way."

Our food came, we started eating.

"Do you think I would've been a good mom, even though I'm so young?"

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "Olivia. Your age, doesn't determine what kind of parent you would be." He shook his head. "Your heart, it's full of so much love to give. That instinct you have with Mason, and your brothers, the boys, the girls, that instinct to protect, and care for them by any means because you love them, that's gonna reflect on your baby when the time come. Because I promise you, when you have your own little one, you're gonna love them more than anyone you ever have in your life. And I know that because despite being my daughter, you are my kid that is the most like me. I admit that I'm not perfect, but there is no such thing as a perfect parent. But what makes a good parent, is how much you try to be. Try be understanding, accepting, kind, nurturing, and how much you try to put your feeling aside because your baby needs you more. So there's not a doubt in my mind that you would've been a fantastic mother, and you are. You are, a mother. Don't ever forget that." He shook his head.

I sniffled and wiped my face. "You're a really good dad." I nodded.

He gave me a small smile. "I try to be." He nodded.

We finished eating, we headed to the tattoo shop.

I decided that I wanted to see dad go first so I knew what was going to happen.

He now has a pink and blue ribbon on the left of his chest and in the loop are 3 simple letters 'PLH.'

But then it was my turn.

Let me tell you what, tattoos don't hurt.

They fucking burn like hell though.

With the way she's been feeling, when Olivia didn't show up at school at all today, I got concerned.

But when she also didn't answer her phone, I flat out fucking panicked.

So after school, I basically sprinted in to their house to see Jason literally shirtless rubbing his chest.

"What the hell are you doing?" I shook my head.

"Rubbing ointment on my chest?" He gave me a look.

"What happened?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Nothing? I got a tattoo today." He nodded.

"You have tattoos?"

"Mason, I have 9 tattoos." He kept rubbing. "4 on my back for my kids, and 2 on each calf. Each set of grand parents. And then this one I got today."

"What is it?" I scrunched my face.

"You sure you wanna know?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Do I not want to?"

"Well, it's sort of for you." He shrugged.

He moved his hand away and wiped it on a paper towel.

He has a ribbon that's half pink and half blue on the left side of his chest with PLH inside the loop.

"Why the ribbon?"

"The pink and blue ribbon, is the awareness ribbon for child loss. Miscarriage, stillbirth, premature, infantile disease and illness, infant death, and ectopic pregnancy." He nodded.

I pursed my lips and nodded.

"People cope differently. I need to cope with having a grandson I'll never meet. And she, she needed something to push her through wanting to forget."

"She got one too?"

He nodded. "We had a daddy daughter day. We got breakfast, went to State College, had a talk she needed to have, we got tattoos, got lunch, and came home and took a nap. It was a birthday present from Holly and I."

"I love that." I pointed at his tattoo.

"Yeah, you'll love hers more. She's in her room. Take this up to her." He tossed me the tube of ointment.

I nodded and headed upstairs.

I knocked on her door.

"It's open!" She yelled.

I walked in and she was sitting in bed on her computer in a baggy t-shirt, shorts, no make up, hair in a bun, glasses on.

My FAVORITE Olivia look.

Her head popped up. "Hi."

I cleared my throat, put up my thumb and pinky, and brought them up to my head. "Hey, I won't be in school today. I'm spending the day with dad. Don't worry about me." I nodded.

"Sorry." She scrunched her face and moved her computer. "I put my phone on DND so I could just, be with my dad today. I needed it."

"Well good." I walked over and sat in front of her. "How're you feeling?"

"Honestly." She sighed. "Really really good."

"No pain?" I shook my head.

She let out a small smile. "It didn't hurt. It burnt like a bitch though. But, I think this is the first time I've felt at peace with myself." She nodded. "In a while."

"Can I ask why? Like, what made you want to get a tattoo?" I pursed my lips.

"Well, I talked to Kelsey Sunday, and she showed me her tattoo. But before she did, she said she started healing when she stopped trying to forget. All I've been trying to do is forget." She sighed. "I don't want to forget anymore." She shook her head. "But that's just today. I wanted to get it so every day when I do want to forget, I won't be able to. I want it there to remind me that I am always going to be a mom. Especially on the days that it feels like it wasn't real."

I let out a small smile. "Where is it?"

She lifted her shirt up and tucked the hem in to the neck line.

The top of her ribs on the left side was covered with a gauze/paper type of material and tape.

I set the tube of ointment on her bed, and she started peeling it off.

Under it, was a Pink and Blue ribbon, just like her dads, but the part where the ribbon crosses over, had a small pair of feet, on each side there was an angel wing, and curved over the top of the ribbon it said Parker Lucas.

My smile grew. "You, are such a bad ass." I nodded and picked up the tube. I squeezed some on my fingers, pushed her to lay down, and I started rubbing it in lightly. "I love this, so much."

"Yeah?"

I nodded. "I think, a lot of both of our problem is that we feel guilty. For not trying again to correct what happened. Or at least I do. But, we both know now isn't the time. So for now we do things like, well, this."

"Can we promise each other something?"

"What's up baby?"

"When the time comes, we'll make sure they never forget that they have an older brother." She nodded.

I pursed my lips and nodded. I leaned down, kissed her, laid down beside her and lightly pulled her in to me to make sure I didn't touch it. "OK." I let out a small smile. "This was a good day for you."

"It felt really nice to just, go do something with my dad, and something for me that means something. I think some times I need his guidance more than I think I do. Just, the way he supported the decision and held my hand the whole time. It showed me that he's coming to terms with it and has accepted it in some way. I didn't understand how much it actually affected him until today and he and I talked."

"Well I'm glad Ol." I nodded. "How about, you get dressed, and you and I go make it better."

"And how would we do that?" She looked over at me.

"Well, we could go get dinner, and then, we can go get stuff to take to New York. Parent teacher conferences were announced today, so we can leave Thursday morning instead of skipping school Friday. We have a whole extra day." I shrugged.

"Apartment shopping?" She smiled.

I nodded. "And I have an idea on what I want to get first, if it's alright with you?"

"It's your apartment too you know." She nodded.

"I'm well aware. But that apartment, that's about to be your home too. You do get a say in what goes in it, and in our room."

"Well, run it by me then."

I swear, the minute I got done telling her, she basically flew to her closet, threw on leggings and one of my hoodies, and we headed to go get dinner.

We went to Joes.

Then we went to the mall.

We got our bed set, which I'm about to fucking sweat because it's a fur fucking blanket.

We bought racks for CD's and DVD's.

We got approval from the parents to buy both our bedroom TV and the living room TV, pots and pans, bowls and plates, silverware, and cups.

And tomorrow, I will be picking up the idea I had, and we will not see it until everyone else does when we get to New York.

All I've wanted is for Olivia to start healing the way I've started to.

I'm by no means healed, but I'm healing.

It's easier for me to talk about and cope with because of therapy, but therapy hasn't been working for her.

But with a little needle jabbing in to her skin and a constant reminder of what we've both been through, she's finally starting.