AND

WE

ARE

PENNSYLVANIA

STATE

CHAMPIONS.

We won the championship yesterday in an absolute slaughter of 33 to 3.

The party afterward, was wonderful.

All of us together again, Abby and Ryan back together, actually having Josh around.

Olivia stayed sober last night and after my scoring yesterday, I got so drunk that Olivia didn't take me home because my mom didn't work last night.

My mother knows I drink, she's cool with it. But I was THAT drunk.

But right now, it is Sunday, Olivia and I have to get up to set up for the baby shower with Jake, Kelsey Connor and her brothers.

I rolled over to pull Olivia closer in to me, but when I did, my hand was sticky and wet.

But when I pulled my hand out from under the blanket and saw red, I about passed out.

"Ol." I started shaking her. "For the love of god Olivia wake up!"

She groaned and rolled over. "Ow." She whined. "What?"

"Oh holy fuck." I threw myself back against the pillows and took a deep breath.

I was scared shitless for a minute because the last time she was bleeding out, she almost fucking died.

"Oh my god." She shot up. "No." She rolled out of bed and looked down.

Sure enough, her entire lower body was covered in blood, which means, so am I.

"No! No no no!" She screamed and ran in to her bathroom. "No! Fuck!"

"Are you alright?" I got out of bed and knocked on her door.

"No Mason I'm not!"

"What's wrong? Do I need to go get your mom?" I yelled.

"Do not go get my mom!" She screamed.

"Babe, you are like, bleeding out!"

"It's called a period Mason." She whined. "I started my period while we were sleeping, and I bled on you! I'm so sorry!"

I sighed. "Olivia open the door."

"No! This is so fucking embarrassing."

"No it's not. It's just a little bit of blood. Just open the door."

Her door flung open. "A little bit?" She raised her eyebrows.

She pointed down her body, pointed down my body, and pointed at her bed. "I'm pretty sure your freak out, is because you thought I was dying." She nodded.

"Granted, the last time you were bleeding like that, you were dying." I scrunched my face.

She whined and tried to close her door but I put my hand out to stop it. "Stop. Olivia, it's not a big deal." I shook my head. "We're going to be living together. You've got to stop calling your bodily functions, which literally every girl has a period, embarrassing. It's normal. Lets just get in the shower, clean up, and we will take care of the bed. OK?"

She sighed and just walked in to her bathroom.

I really just, don't understand girls at all.

Why do they feel the need to apologize for things they can't help?

Girls get a period, once a month. They don't know when it's coming to try to control it, it just happens.

Literally everything lately is embarrassing her.

But then again, I am also confused as hell.

I don't dare walk in to the bathroom until I know she's in the shower, so I waited to hear the water running before I went in.

I undressed and got in with her.

I didn't even care that the water was burning my skin. I just wrapped my arms around her and kissed the side of her head. "Can we talk please?"

She nodded.

"When did you start getting so uncomfortable around me again?" I spun her around to look at me.

"I'm not uncomfortable." She shook her head.

"Olivia, you've been embarrassed about everything lately. You've been covering your body around me. This is the first time I've seen you actually naked in weeks. You apologized last weekend for something you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about because it will 100% be happening again. And babe, you just apologized for getting your period as if I didn't know you get one. I literally remember you sticking a pad to my face in the middle of the hall way last year while telling me that I was clearly on the same cycle as you. What's going on?"

"I just haven't been feeling very, OK, lately." She shook her head.

"With me, or, in general?" I raised my eyebrows.

"In general." She shrugged.

"Well Ol, that's something you need to talk to me about." I nodded. "What's going on?"

"I just, I think it's today." She nodded.

The problem is, I knew exactly what she's talking about.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Lets clean up and get out, and then we're gonna talk. Alright?"

"OK."

We cleaned ourselves up, got out, I went and stripped her bed while she did what she needed to, and she came out fully covered in sweats and a hoodie as opposed to me in my under ware.

I laid back in her bed and waved her over.

She crawled in and curled herself in to my side.

"You know, when we're in therapy Dr. Hall tells us that when we have a feeling, we need to talk about it. Especially when it's a feeling that completely derails us." I nodded and rubbed her shoulder.

She sighed. "Do you know I'd be 5 months along today?" She looked up at me.

I pursed my lips and nodded. "I do."

"We've been in therapy for weeks now, and it's not any easier to talk about." She shook her head. "And with the baby shower today, it's setting in that Jake and Kelsey are having Anna. And, it's not me." She shook her head. "And now, I'm back to having a monthly reminder that, it's not me, because after what happened I switched back to the pill. "

"It's not you right now." I shook my head. "But that's just right now. In a few years, that will be you. All big and pregnant and happy. But we agreed that it would be better to wait until after college. But that doesn't mean it won't happen. But I'm gonna tell you right now, three things you never have to be embarrassed about is your body, it's functions, and your feelings. Not with me."

She sighed and nodded. "Thank god we're going to New York next weekend. I need a break."

"You do." I nodded. "And, we get to start getting the apartment around next weekend. You wanna go shopping some time this week?" I smiled.

She pouted. "You know me so well."

"Yes, yes I do. But you ma'am. You know me. Stop keeping things from me OK? And stop apologizing."

She gave me a small smile. "I love you."

"And I love you." I kissed the top of her head.

Her and I finally got up, she got ready.

I never really realized how long it takes to straighten this girls hair, but after the first hour, I had to go so I could go help Jake and Connor get all the tables we need from the fire hall.

I'm just praying to god we get out of this funk soon.

She is right, she does need a break. And Valentines, New York, Broadway? Exactly what she needs.

If we're being honest, the whole thing this morning is a mix of baby emotions, and well, unlearning toxic habits that I didn't realize I had until Mason actually pointed them out.

I got my period one time over the summer. In bed with Cameron. He threw up, then yelled at me.

I was crazy ass embarrassed, and when he left I cried.

But right now however, I'm pulling in to Jake, Kelsey, Marcus, and Robbie's since this is where they're having the baby shower, just opening up the wall divider.

With the baby coming, they're finally putting up an actual wall before she gets here.

I somehow managed to stack all 6 boxes of games and decorations in my arms, but the minute I went to close my hatch and they started falling, I almost peed my pants.

"Whoah!" I heard yelled from behind me. "Whoah hey. Olivia you could've asked for help." Harley ran over and literally caught all the boxes that fell. "You don't need to be carrying all these, especially in a dress." He shook his head and closed my hatch.

I sighed and gave him a small smile. "Thank you."

"Of course." He smiled.

Harley Spencer.

Kelsey's little brother.

Harley goes to Bancroft across town. He's 18. Definitely following in Jake's footsteps.

"So." He cleared his throat and took the other 2 boxes out of my arms. "Kelsey said you got in to Juilliard?" He nodded toward the house.

"I did, yeah. Early acceptance. Be there next fall." I nodded.

"Well, maybe I'll be seeing you around New York then."

"Oh shit. That's right, you're going to Fordham for football aren't you?"

He nodded. "I am. And wrestling. Dorm life should be fun. I swear, I about passed out when she told me you were moving in with Connor and Mason."

"Well, why wouldn't I?" I scrunched my face.

"Haven't they made your life hell? Like, literally your whole life?" He gave me a look as I closed the door behind him.

"I mean, true. But I'm-"

"Hey!" Mason came walking out of the living room. "It's about time you get here." He smiled and kissed my cheek. "I'll take these Harley." Mason grabbed the boxes from him and carried them in to the living room.

"UH?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Mason's my boyfriend." I pursed my lips.

"Oh." His jaw dropped. "Oh wow. Kelsey uh, didn't tell me that part." He shook his head.

"I gathered." I nodded.

"Well, I uh, I hope everything works out." He nodded.

"Why wouldn't it?" I shook my head.

"Olivia, not only has Mason hooked up with the majority of your school, but he's hooked up with half of mine. One of those girls being my girlfriend? Shannon. You know that's why we broke up right?"

I raised my eyebrows. "No. No I did not know that."

"I'm not saying that he's still like that. Just, be careful." He gave me a small smile. "And just know, if you ever need anything in New York, just call." He rubbed my shoulder and walked in to the living room.

And here it is again.

I promise you, I'm just as over bi-polar days as you are.

But, if we're going to be living together, I better get used to the highs and lows.

This however, is a low that I would've preferred not to know about.

Does it surprise me?

Not in the slightest.

A knock came at the door to pull me out of my daze.

"Can someone get that please?" Jake yelled through the house.

"Got it!" I yelled.

I went and answered the door, and Kalum was on the other side.

"Hey. UH, my mom said I was needed to hang things? Apparently being tall gets you put to work." He nodded.

"Yeah, come on in." I motioned him in the door.

"Hold on a minute." He held a finger up. "You have that look on your face."

"I'm good." I nodded. "Come on. You have banners to hang, I have baby food jars to peel the label off of."

"Seriously, are you OK?"

I nodded and just walked in the house.

I went and started setting everything up for the games when Kelsey walked over and started peeling labels off the baby food.

"I don't have to eat any of these, right." She laughed.

"No." I smiled. "How is little Annabel treating you today?"

"Oh, she's definitely going to take after Auntie Ollie with how she's kicking and dancing in there today." She nodded.

"You can feel it?" I gave her a look.

She gave me a small smile, grabbed my hand, and put it on her belly.

They were small, but you could feel movements on the outside.

"That's incredible." I shook my head.

"It's gonna be you some day you know." She nodded.

I sighed. "He told you then?"

"No." She shook her head. "Jake did. He's been talking to Jake on how to get through certain things. You know, if you ever need to talk to me, I'm a call away, right?"

I gave her a small smile and hugged her. "I know."

"There's a reason we're naming her after you you know." She nodded. "You my dear, are the strongest girl we both know. You're gonna get through this. It may take some time."

"How did you get through it?" I pursed my lips.

"Honestly? I stopped trying to forget it happened. So did Jake. And, I went and got this." She slipped her shoe off and showed me the top of her foot. She had a tattoo of a little date on it with the words Baby Pate underneath it. "It's the day we miscarried." She nodded. "I wanted it there to remind me that even if this little one wouldn't have come along." She rubbed her belly. "That I would always be a mom. And so are you. And some day, you gonna be able to hold your baby. Not just think about him."

I took a deep breath. "I can not tell you how happy I am to finally have a sister."

"Whenever you need me, you've got me honey." She smiled.

I'm not going to lie, I spent the whole baby shower thinking about what she said.

Even while watching these boys eat baby food and guess what kind of melted candy bar I put in a diaper.

I however will NEVER make a diaper cake again despite how cute that thing was.

'Stop trying to forget it happened.'

I thought about it when we got home, I thought about it while doing my homework, I thought about it the whole time.

So finally, around 10:00 I walked my ass down the hall to my parents room and knocked.

"It's open!" I heard my dad yell.

I opened the door, and lightly closed it before I crawled in to bed between my mom and dad.

"What's the matter?" My mom brushed my hair behind my shoulders.

I sighed. "I've been in my feelings lately. And today with the baby shower, it was slightly worse. But I'm OK. I talked to Mason, and I talked to Kelsey."

"Do you want to talk about it baby?" My dad sat up straight.

"I actually want to ask permission for something." I nodded.

"Well, what's going on?"

"Kelsey told me that, one of the ways she got past her miscarriage, is because she stopped trying to forget. All I've been doing it trying to forget, and I don't want to anymore." I shook my head. "I want a permanent reminder that I'm a mom, just like she has."

"Oh boy." Dad sighed.

"Can I get a tattoo?" I pursed my lips.

"The uh, ears full of holes, nose, and belly button aren't enough?" He let out a nervous laugh.

"Jason." My mom looked at him. "What are you thinking you want honey?"

I pulled my phone out and showed her the ones I was looking at.

"I think that if this is what you really want, and means a lot to you, then you should do it." She gave me a small smile. "And I supposed since your birthday is Saturday we'll figure out what we can do since you won't be home this weekend."

"I'll call Ronnie and see if he's got a walk in available. If you get a tattoo, it needs to be with my tattoo artist. I need a touch up anyway." Dad sighed.

"You're gonna come with me?" I pursed my lips.

He nodded. "Maybe I'll get a little something new with you." He gave me a small smile. "I'll call him tomorrow."

I leaned over and hugged him.

I'm praying to god this gives me some type of closure.

I need it.