《Dear Crush! | A Dear Evan Hansen Fanfiction |》School
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There was school the next day, and it would be horrible.
Evan had woken up, feeling devastated. His usual routine consisted of meeting Connor for practically every single part of the school day, and seeing Connor would only make things awkward.
He sat up in bed with a jolt, the idea of the awkwardness of their interaction hitting him. He groaned, burying his face in his hands. It would be horrifying to meet Connor after what had happened, but he had no choice. He has never skipped school in his life, so he could not avoid school today.
He sighed, getting out of bed and got ready. Clearly, he's trying to mentally prepare himself for the awkwardness.
-----
Evan reached the school, heart filled with dread. Every step he took towards the school, he could feel the fear and dread overwhelm him even further. He could almost feel himself turning back, but his legs kept him in the same direction.
He walked up the steps towards the school entrance, quietly maneuvering past other students who were entering the building and leaned against the glass entranceway. He nervously held onto the hem of his shirt, cursing himself for forgetting to bring along his fidget cube.
However, he distracted himself by thinking of the ways to approach the day. He thought about what would happen if they were to meet. Of course, Evan felt that he would be anxious to the point he would walk in the opposite direction, but he decided that he needed to change himself. He should not need to avoid Connor. There was no reason to. He should just face him.
A sense of determination filled him with courage, which led to the realisation that he had subconsciously been waiting for Connor. He leaned against the entrance of his school as usual, to run up to Connor and give him his daily hug. This realisation weakened his resolve, but only a little. He figured that since he was already there, he might as well just go through with it.
He stared at the road, trying to spot a certain car that belonged to Connor, only to discover that it has been past Connor's usual arrival time. And yet, Connor was no where in sight. He squinted, trying to see where Connor was, but to no avail. He was just about to give up, when he noticed a car driving up to the curb.
The sudden arrival of this car sent shivers of excitement and fear through Evan. A part of him strongly urged his body to just walk into the school, avoiding everyone who had been involved in this mess of a situation. Another part of him told him to stay and face his problems, to stop running away from them as if that was the best solution. His determination to change made him choose the latter, as he quietly glanced towards the door of the black car slowly open up.
He was anticipating the bright sun to shine on the tuft of messy, unkempt brown hair up to the shoulders, with a full body of black clothing, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Instead, he was greeted with disappointment. Zoe emerged out of the car alone, rocking a galaxy patterned shirt and a cardigan over it. She wore deep blue tights, matching the shirt nicely. Evan noticed how beautiful she looked, and was utterly impressed, but his eyes scanned for a different Murphy.
He sprinted up to her, meeting her in mere seconds due to his excitement. Zoe noticed Evan and tried her best to put up a smile.
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"Hi, Evan," she uttered, her tone a tad bit forced, "what's up?"
"I-I...um...wh-where's Connor?"
Zoe took note of the question, sighing irritatingly. Her brows furrowed, as she palms her forehead. Evan could tell that some conflict occurred between the two.
"He wanted to skip today," Zoe responded, moving her hand and brushing her hair towards her right, "I tried to get him to come to school, but he didn't really want to."
This made Evan heave a sigh of relief, causing him to let go of the breath he had unconsciously held. It was not that Evan hated Connor, not at all. The thought of Connor still gave him a smile. However, it was relieving to him to know that he did not have to deal with the awkwardness right there and then, but rather have more time to prepare himself.
"I-Is...um-I know this sounds strange but, um...is he okay...?"
Zoe nodded, giving Evan yet another reason to sign with relief. He quietly thanked Zoe, sprinting away from her and rushing into the school. He pressed on the door handle and pushed, feeling the cool air against his skin as he took his first steps. He could see a less hectic hallway of people, as class was about to start soon.
Evan saw Jared waiting at his locker, impatiently tapping his foot on the floor and leaning against the locker next to his. He slowly walked up to Jared, a little terrified from his body language.
"J-Jared, hi!"
"Evan," Jared responded, his impatient tone changing into that of compassion. Evan felt bad, knowing that part of the sudden change was because of Evan's inability to handle his more sarcastic side. Jared seem to hesitate, almost furiously so as he spoke.
"Where's...Connor?"
Evan freezes, pleasantly surprised. Of all the people that were currently here in the school, he never would have expected Jared to ask him about Connor. I mean, he did tell him about them splitting up, did he not?
"Z-Zoe told me...um...that he wanted to skip today..."
Jared nods in acknowledgement, seemingly a little agitated. He then smiles for Evan, giving Evan as much of a positive vibe as he could muster.
"I see...it's fine. Evan, I'll see you in English?"
Evan nods, giving Jared a smile to assure him that he was okay. Evan noticed that Jared took note of how he was acting, extremely cautious of words he had chosen, extremely observant about the way Evan acted. He was so much more alert ever since Evan had talked to him.
Evan completely understood the sentiments, especially since he could understand that feeling of losing someone. He experienced that with Connor, quite a bit. He watches Jared slowly walk away, going for his class. He then unlocks his own locker, getting ready his own materials for the school day.
-----
Evan felt lonely.
Immediately, he knew it was because of Connor's absence. Connor was usually the one who accompanied him in school. He would be holding Evan's hand, smiling at him, making him feel so very loved as they walked side by side.
Now that source of happiness has faded.
Evan felt incomplete, as if he had lost a huge part of him. He felt so very lonely, so very empty. You would think that his friends' company would help, but it did not. He wished that he could say that they were not there for him, but they were very much supportive.
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During lunch time, he sat at their usual table, quietly eating a sandwich he packed. He was about to take a first bite, when Alana came up to him, quietly tapping on his shoulder. He glanced at her, noticing the conspicuous look of guilt written on her face. He could feel himself wince at the guilt.
"Evan, I heard about what happened to you...a-and back then too, from Connor." Evan was ready to forgive her. After all, he felt that there was no need for them to feel guilt over something he had already long forgiven. He was about to speak, when Alana interrupted in a hurry.
"I just want to say that I'm sorry, before the others arrive. I'm so sorry for talking over you, absolutely disregarding your mental state."
Evan smiled kindly, presenting her with his most bright smile he could muster. He quickly accepted her apology, which made her smile and settle down next to him. She quietly placed her bag down onto the bench, as Jared started making his way over to them.
"Evan! Al!" Jared greeted, throwing in finger guns to try and lighten the mood. Evan could even feel the think layer of tension that's overlaying the atmosphere between them. He knew that it was because of what he did, and that made everything feel worse.
"H-Hi...Jared..."
"Hello!"
Jared sat down next to Alana, trying his very best to sound chipper and act like the jokester he is. Alana did the same, with their usual act of the boke and tsukkomi. It was rather saddening to watch them try to perform, livening for Evan, but he smiled for them.
Finally, Zoe arrived. She seemed to have the most infuriated expression that Evan has ever seen. It almost terrified him. She sat down, fuming.
"Zoe, what's wrong?" Alana asked, seemingly surprised by the anger that Zoe was displaying. She seemed to be forming a fist, agitated enough to punch the next person to annoy her. Evan would have believed her anger, had it not been for the subtly strange tone Alana had.
He peaked at Alana out of the corner of his eye, noticing how she seemed genuinely curious. The tone must have been his imagination.
"Connor." She responded, causing Evan to flinch at Connor's name, "I haven't been able to contact him at all today."
Evan noticed that Zoe had a hint of sadness in her voice as she said that, mixed with a tone that made Evan think that she had been acting from a script to start this sequence of conversation. He turned to Alana, and then back to Zoe, as if to emphasise that he did not believe anything they said.
"Really?"
Jared's voice spoke, causing Evan to turn his head to glance and Jared. He seem to be rolling his eyes at this entire conversation, which further proves that it was something that had been planned beforehand. Evan felt himself sigh, waiting for them to start initiating something.
"Maybe he's doing drugs again, like always."
This statement seemed to have spited Zoe, which caused an authentic anher to rise from the pit of her stomach, making her raise her voice ever so slightly to counter Jared.
"He is not doing drugs, Jared!"
Zoe seem to notice her own anger, piping down. Evan could see her hand twitch, reflexively trying to cover her own mouth at the disbelief that she raised her voice.
"...he's probably just trying to work things out on his own."
Once again, the tension started to build up. It made the table become an uncomfortable location for Evan, but before it could become any worse, he spoke up.
"...I-If you guys are trying to make me go to Connor, I-I'm afraid that I have to decline."
"Come on, Evan," Zoe said, exasperated, "he's miserable."
She seemed genuinely concerned about Connor's well-being. Of course, Evan had been concerned as well. How could he not be? Connor was the first person who he had been in a relationship with. It was a definite worry.
However, just as she had mentioned, Evan also needed his own time to heal. His emotions were all over the place. He needed to sort out his own emotional problems. Connor understood that, and he gave him the space he needed.
"I'm dealing with my own problems, a-and I would appreciate it i-if you guys gave me that space."
"As much as I understand that," Alana piped up, trying to sound as persuasive as she could. She stood up from her place, walking over to stand beside Zoe and placed her hand on Evan's shoulder.
"I believe that you two should work things out together!"
Evan shook his head, showing his disapproval to the idea.
"Connor gave me-he gave me space...to try and sort out my problems. I-If I just went now, while my head is still a mess, then it wouldn't be worth it, r-right?"
Alana and Zoe looked defeated. They could not think of anything else that could convince Evan to talk to Connor. Evan looked down at the bagged sandwich he brought, lying on the table. It sat there for a bit, becoming colder than before. He frowned, holding the sandwich up and taking a bite.
He chewed, noticing Alana and Zoe signaling at Jared to try to get him to convince Evan. Jared shrugged, a smirk on his face.
"Hey, don't look at me. I don't mind if Evan doesn't want to go," Jared replied, non-chalantly. He has some pent up rage directed at Connor that he has still yet to let go of. It was obviously affecting his judgement.
Zoe and Alana both frowned, throwing their hands up in exasperation as they attempted to think of a solution, as Evan quietly ate his sandwich.
However, he started thinking about their words. He started to realise that they were correct, going through things together was a good solution. He frowned, annoyed by the fear in his heart about the awkwardness of the situation.
He tried his best, ignoring that part of his mind that affected his thinking with fear, and realised that he has to do something. After he has been done meditating on what he needed to do, he would confront Connor. Or at least, try to.
"I-If it makes you guys feel any better, I'll try to talk to Connor after I've-my emotions are under control."
Those words immediately made Zoe light up, her feeling of happiness evident from her grin and her jumping about. Alana let out a sigh of relief, absolutely ecstatic to have this settled while Jared let out a groan, annoyed that Evan thought about getting back with Connor.
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