Evan gripped his head, feeling tears pour out of his eyes. He huddled against his bed, feeling the wooden bedframe press against his back. He buried his face in his knees, as his heart ached.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot.

He wanted it to stop so bad.

All he could hear was one bad thought after another. All he could hear was the loud thumping of his heart against his chest. All he could hear was how horrible he was.

He was a nervous wreck, an anxious mess. Why would anyone even try to hang out with him? Why would anyone want to date him? Why? Out of pity? To make him feel better about himself? Is he just burdening all of his friends with his own stupid life?

He clawed at his face, not knowing how his arms should be reacting, not knowing how his body should be reacting. All he did was try to cover up his face, as his tears fell. The tears covered his hands, as he tried his best not to sob loudly. He realised that his mom could burst in if she heard him crying, so he kept himself quiet.

He heard a sound.

The sound of something small and metallic being lifted off of a table. It immediately shot him out of his internal monologue. He glanced to the door, his heart pounding louder and louder. His mom wasn't standing at the door, much to his relief. He glanced around the room, still silently sobbing. Suddenly, the realisation hit him.

He's just by himself.

He was just sitting alone on his bed, quietly sobbing to himself because depression got to him today. He realised that his hands were covering his mouth, as if to block the sound of his sobbing for him.

He took this chance of being distracted from his horrible thoughts to breathe. To calm himself before the thoughts got any worse. He moved his hands away from his mouth, wiping them on his onesie slowly.

After he had the time to calm himself, he realised that he felt so empty. No emotions in his heart whatsoever. All he felt was that he felt empty, which struck one emotion whiring within him, fear. He shook the feeling of emptiness away, gently pushing himself off the bed.

He moved towards the full body mirror beside his bed, staring at it with a blank stare. He noticed how he looked. His hair was disheveled and he looked extremely tired.

That made sense. He did not get any good sleep for the past few days. He would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, processing the nightmare he had.

His eyes were red, with streaks of tears on both his cheeks. His wrinkly onesie hang loosely off his body. He sighed, his breath hitching in the middle of it as he wiped the tears from his eyes. He dreaded this, as he had to take a moment to clear the red from his eyes, and put on a fake smile so his mother doesn't worry.

He makes his way quietly to the bathroom, now looking at his disheveled self through the bathroom mirror. He once again sighed, rinsing his toothbrush under the tap, and then applying toothpaste and brushing his teeth. The whole time, he was distracted, staring into his own eyes.

For some reason, he felt so…

…empty.

It was as if he did not even have the motivation to cry, to lie, or to live. The thought scare him back to attention, as he drank a cup of water and then spat out the toothpaste in his mouth.

He then splashed water onto his face, wiping the water off with his towel as he stared back at his own reflection, noticing that the redness in his eye had started to fade a bit. He clicked his teeth when he noticed the redness in his eyes had not been completely gone, and went back to his bedroom irritated.

He searched through his closet, bringing out his black and gray T-shirt and peach khakis, noticing how he had quite a few white and blue polos. He placed the T-shirt and khakis on the bed, walking over to his full body mirror to look at his eyes. Good, they cleared up now. He walked back to his attire for the day, stripping out of his onesie and putting on the attire.

He grabbed a bottle of pills, and took out two, grabbing the cup of water on his nightstand and downing the pills quickly. The pills didn't really help, but if they don't deplete, his mom is gonna schedule another dreaded therapy session.

He grabbed his bag, wallet and keys, making his way towards the door when his mom emerged from the kitchen.

"Evan, sweety," Heidi called out, making Evan take as deep breath, before exhaling and putting on his fake smile.

"Yes, mom?"

"I love you dear," she smiled, giving Evan a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out the door. Evan was saddened and terrified. He didn't feel anything from that sign of affection, he wasn't even sure if he felt her love at all. It troubled him, as he made his way towards his school.

—————

He arrived at the school, standing in front of the gate to wait for Connor, when he felt the horrible thoughts cloud his mind and heart.

Connor Murphy, his boyfriend.

The only reason he must have wanted to be Evan's boyfriend, or friend for that matter, must have been out of pity. Connor must have wanted to be Evan's friend because his mom wanted Connor to have friends. He didn't want Evan. He must have never wanted to be Evan's boyfriend in the first place. When he said that he had a crush on him on the rooftop, he must have never expected this lie to have become such a huge mess.

Evan felt his heart sting again. His eyes started to water, but he tried his best to blink them back. He tried to avoid thinking of that, by thinking of something else. Something that makes him happy. Trees, right! That little keychain of a bonsai tree. He reached into his pocket and brought out his keys, the small little tree ornament dangling in front of his face.

His smile faded, as his mind thought about what else made him happy. Trees, Connor, that nightmare with Connor becoming a tree. He frowned. He remembered that sentence Connor said.

"I will never love you," Connor's voice rang through his head, as the image of Connor with the evil red glare flashed before his eyes.

His eyes stung more, and his heart hurt. Now, he had a bit of trouble blinking his tears back. He just kept blinking, until he noticed Zoe's car arrive. He brought out his phone, changing to camera mode and then selfie mode. He looked at himself. Good, his eyes aren't red. If he could clear the tears, he's fine.

He wiped his eyes, and then stuffed his phone into his pocket again. By this time, Connor had shut the door, shifting the sling of his satchel as he walked his way towards Evan. Evan breathed in and exhaled, putting on a fake smile for Connor.

"Connor," he called out, faking his enthusiasm as he ran towards Connor and gave him a nice, big hug. He looked up, and saw Connor smiling back.

"Hey, Ev," he said, smiling bright.

Again, Evan felt nothing.

They both walked into the school, Evan walking beside Connor. Subconsciously, Evan felt everyone's stares, how everyone was silently judging him but he didn't know what for. That didn't affect him nearly as much as how he felt Connor's stare on him.

His mind wandered back to the horrible thoughts, about how Connor was just being his boyfriend as he didn't know how he could break it off. The thought of Connor staring at him, thinking of how horrible Evan was to have forced Connor to date him made Evan hurl.

In actuality, Connor noticed that Evan's smile was fake. He knew something was up, but he didn't want Evan to freak out about it. He was thinking of ways to ask Evan to come to his house tomorrow, just so they can both be in a comfortable place to talk about whatever was bothering Evan.

—————

Evan was very much demoralised, by the time lunch time rolled about. He couldn't stop thinking of the fact that Connor would want to break up with him. The thought alone terrified him, accompanied by the confrontation made him feel even worse.

He walked towards the cafeteria, but stopped a good distance away from the entrance. He saw Jared, Alana and Zoe, smiling and chatting. How they would have fun without him. His heart ached again, as he turned around, heading to the giant tree in the middle of the school.

He sat on the bench in front of the tree, hearing the soft rustling of the leaves in the background. Here, he just sat and quietly contemplated whatever happened today. He slouched, staring at the ground as his mind thought up more bad things.

He suddenly felt a paper bag press on his head gently, as someone took a seat next to him. He glanced up, and saw Connor with a soft smile.

God, how he wished his mind didn't think that his smile was a front that covered his hate for Evan.

He smiled back, as Connor brought the paper bag down on his lap, lifting a triangular sandwich from it. He then pointed it at Evan, who stared at it.

"Want one?" he asked, chewing onto another sandwich he had in his other hand. Evan nodded, grabbing the sandwich in Connor's hand and taking a bite. Both sat in comfortable silence, as the quiet rustling of leaves and the calm breeze filled the background.

Connor was the first who broke the silence between the two, with a question.

"Ev, wanna come to my house tomorrow," he asked, acting non-chalant although his heart was beating rather quickly. No matter how long they were a couple for, it was still nerve wrecking to ask, "I want to watch this new musical."

Evan heard that sentence, and feared for the worse. He thought that Connor was lying through his teeth, just thinking of an excuse to invite him over for the grand breakup. As much as it hurt, he nodded his head, putting on his fake smile to try to convince both Connor and himself that he was okay with this.

He really wasn't, but he'll convince himself that he was.

"Yeah, cool," Connor replied. He leaned forward towards Evan's lips, quickly asking his usual question.

"Can I kiss you?"

Evan nodded, and Connor kissed him on the lips, pulling away with a smile as he held onto Evan's hand happily.

—————

Jared has English class with Evan, and so they both met up in English class. When Jared entered the class, he noticed Evan was reserved to himself, sitting at the second row, closest to the door.

Well, more than usual.

Jared frowned, and then made his way to Evan, sitting in the seat beside him.

"Evan, I didn't see you today at lunch," he stated as he sat down, which sounded more like a question, "where were you?"

He disguised his concern by chuckling, but felt his laughter die out as Evan didn't respond at all. He noticed that Evan was spacing out, and seemingly could not hear Jared at all. Jared sighed, waving his hand in front of Evan's eyes, but instead of responding, Evan just looked away.

Jared felt hurt. Really hurt.

"Evan, bro, you okay," Jared asked, getting the same silence from Evan. Evan actually had been having despariging thoughts about himself during the classes. He was thinking about how Jared didn't deserve a friend like Evan. So, his solution was to make them actually have a reason to leave him, by being a horrible friend.

Jared, who was so very confused about Evan, kept quiet, just hoping to himself that this was a prank of some sort.

—————

Jared frantically typed, tapping on the screen sporadically as he quietly whispered the words to himself.

He created a WhatsApp group, named "HELP IS FUCKING NEEDED" as he quickly added Connor, Alana and Zoe.

｛What? Who is in need of help?｝

Jared rolled his eyes. Of course Alana would be the first to respond. He quickly typed back the situation about the English class.

｛So like｝

｛Evan was being supwr wierd｝

｛And he fking ignored me during eng class｝

｛And I was thinking that he was just spacing but｝

｛He like looked away????｝

｛And I feel so damn attacked????｝

Unbeknownst to him, he had just covered his own pain with some jokes. He stared at his own text, to find that instead of making the whole situation serious, he had made it funny. Shit.

｛I know it sounds like I'm joking｝

｛But I'm really serious right now｝

｛Evan is acting weird｝

｛Should we check on him?｝

He waited briefly, before Alana typed out her response.

｛I think so. He was ignoring me as well. I didn't think anything of it, even though I thought it was very strange. 😥 Hopefully it isn't anything too serious or dangerous…｝

Jared nodded in agreement, as he saw that both Connor and Zoe were typing as well.

Connor, who was already incredibly annoyed that Evan had been sad the whole day, was even more infuriated to find that his suspicions have been confirmed.

｛wait, what? ev ignored u?｝

｛r u serious?｝

｛Duh, I'm serious.｝

｛then I was right about it｝

｛theres something up with ev. He's using his fake smile｝

｛Oh my god, seriously?｝

｛How can we help him?｝

Jared saw the question, and his mind wandered. He didn't really have a plan. He was just scared and thus wanted someone else to help.

｛i invited ev to come to our house tmr. maybe we can work on that there?｝

They all agreed to meet up at Connor's room after school, to discuss on what to do.

—————

Throughout the whole of the next school day, Evan had been ignoring everyone from his friend group. Even though he was going through with his plan of making all his friends leave him, it still hurt to ignore the people who had made him so happy for the past few months.

He would go for his Geography class, anxious to find a seat that wasn't next to Connor. All throughout lesson, he would feel Connor's stare on him, knowing how strange it was for him to be ignoring Connor.

Then, he would be at lunch, where he would accidentally find himself behind any of the other four. He would panic, and then turn the other way, finding somewhere else to sit and eat.

Then came English class, where he would have to ignore Jared without giggling at his jokes, or during Calculus, where he would have to try to ignore Zoe.

The whole school day was a mess for him. He thought that all this painful ignoring would end, but guess what?

Evan gulped, standing in front of the Murphy's house which stood with intimidation. He was incredibly nervous, since his mind has been making up these annoying thoughts that convinced him that he was going to be alone forever.

But it had to be done.

He slowly took his first step, then the second, then started slowly walking towards the door. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and then quietly knocked on the door.

"Coming!"

Zoe opened the door, and her eyes lit up once she saw Evan.

"Evan, come on in!"

She lead him inside with a smile, which only worsened his own feelings of despair as he followed her in. She slowly brought them outside of Connor's room.

Evan glanced at her, noticing her bright smile and hyper body language. He glanced towards the door, anxiously awaiting his fate. He turned the door knob, his mind racing. Everything he had feared was about to become reality right beyond this door.

He shut his eyes from fear as he launched the door open, peaking ever so slightly as he timidly walked in. He saw all of his friends sitting in Connor's room, discussing something and abruptly stopping right as Evan entered.

"Ev," Connor called out, standing up from his bed and walking over to give Evan a big hug, "come sit next to me!"

Evan nodded, and made his way over to the bed, Connor sitting down next to him as Jared, Alana and Zoe all promptly sat on the floor. All of them looked at Evan, the same worried look on their faces.

"Ev," Connor started, placing his hand on Evan's shoulder with a worried tone. This just made Evan want to hurl. The fact that they had to keep acting friendly towards him is just sick.

"…are you feeling alright?"

He didn't even notice that he was slouching, but he did when he realised that he had to look up at Connor as he asked that question. He stared at them, confused.

"Wh-what do you mean…?"

"Well, for starters," Connor replied, but was quickly interrupted by Jared and his motherly concerned.

"Evan, you ignored me when I tried to talk to you in class, purposefully! You also ignored Zoe and Alana! The only person you would talk to is Connor, and even then you barely talk," Jared explained, exasperated. He reached forward, holding Evan's hands in his own, urging Evan to look at him in his eyes which made Evan incredibly nervous and devastated.

"N-nothing! Nothing's wrong at all! I'm just…tired, I guess?"

None of them bought that lie, not even for a second.

"Ev," Connor called, giving Evan a hug and pulled away, staring into his eyes with the most sincere look he could muster without tearing up for worrying about his boyfriend being upset, "please, tell us what's wrong."

"I…um…"

He looked around and saw how all of them were carefully paying attention. They have to stop acting soon, right? Maybe if he just got through this, they'll just tell him that they don't want to be friends anymore. He couldn't take the suspense for much longer. So, he did what he does best.

He lied.

"O-okay, so I have this-this little plant that I've been keeping for a while now? A-and someone accidentally set it on fire, so now the plant is dead. I, um, I'm just really, um, really sad about it, so I've been trying to have some time to-to myself, since you guys are like my-my friends…"

Oh, how the word 'friends' makes his heart ache.

"…And you'll just come to comfort me. A-and I would get really sad to be reminded of that? I can't really describe it, b-but yeah…"

He saw Zoe hesitate on saying something, before standing up abruptly.

"Oh, okay, so that's what happened," she replied, giving Evan a warm smile, "Jared, Alana, help me get some snacks from the fridge, we're going to have a cheer up session for Evan!"

She gestured for Connor to talk to her, but instead whispered in his ear rather than saying it out loud. She said something, and then Connor nodded. She whispered something again, and this time Connor gave her a thumbs up.

"Aw, what," Jared whined, standing up, "I want to stay here to comfort Evan!"

Zoe grabbed him by the ear, making him wince as she dragged him out of the room with an irritated look. Alana sighed, and followed the two out of the room.

Zoe dragged them both downstairs, so that Evan could not hear what they were saying.

"Jared, thanks for the acting," Zoe quietly praised, earning a grin from Jared, "I think you made our bit much more realistic."

"Yeah," Alana added, but changed to a look of worry, "but I can't believe Evan would keep lying to us like that."

"Yeah, I know," Jared responded, very much worrying about Evan's wellbeing from that display, "but what did you tell Connor?"

"I told him that we were going to leave, so he should stay with Evan and talk to him one on one," she replied, walking over to the fridge to grab some snacks for their alibi, "Evan talks to him more than he does with us."