I will just say it. My apologies now for any uncomfortable feelings caused by my opinions. I regret nothing I say. I own every word and do not mean to be rude. I am simply being honest and using a what I would call trite whimsical sense of humor approach to this aspect of my life.

Now onto subjects. You know what, let's just get thee most awkward one out of the way first.

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PUT your PPDs () i.e., dildos, sex toys, handcuffs, lube, swings, poles, strap-ons, butt plugs, etc..... AWAY!! Prior to our arrival.

No housecleaner - none - I know who is professional, seeks these items out. In fact, we pray that we don't have to ever encounter them, ever. Neither do we want to change your sheets and fling a plastic cock twelve feet across a room, and hit a mirror with it. Then have to explain why we broke the mirror. And clean up the mess. Just no.

Nor, do we wish to go and clean a bathtub and find an obscene fist or larger proportioned-sized dong just laying there on the bottom of the tub.

What exactly do you want me to do with that?

Discreetly sit that in your closet. Yeah, ok. Or...

"Hey, pardon me, what do you want me to do with king kong's cock that's in the bathtub"?

Is this a conversation you really want to have? With anyone, at any time?

Ever? No. So .... stop doing that.

That's great you have a sex life. Good job.

Please, now explain to me why exactly you want your housecleaner to know your sex details.

Is it because you have a crush and want to entice us to bed with you?

If this is the case. Food for thought - Why the hell would you think we want "sloppy seconds"? Ewe.

And revert to Rule #1, Ever.

Not I, McFly, and in fact the chances have now moved far closer to Uranus than ever after seeing those devices and having to clean them. No.

And God forbid you didn't leave a tip.

That's some life-scarring shit there. Don't be that human.

Do you want us to know because you are bragging? That's ewe too.

And FYI, we don't care. No one likes a bragger BTW!

Is it because you're careless and expect us to clean them and put them away for you?

- Ok. Ewe. And that will come with a hefty tip. Just so you can acknowledge how much of an absolute weirdo you are being and putting me through trauma.

I call this a "trauma tip". More on that later. Different chapter. Lol

I got it, you want us to submit you to the 'Banger of the Month' club?

Is it that you want us to think about your ten-inch by three-inch purple glitter dildo every time I come to clean your place? Wondering quietly to myself, 'how the fuck did she fit..."?

Or do you want me to tell my friends about how I went to vacuum and sucked a pleasure wand into the bristles causing the rubber band to snap in the vacuum? Making room stink, causing an odd conversation and broken device. Not to mention I couldn't finish vacuuming. Dumb.

Or how your poop-covered butt toys are in your bathroom sink, uncleaned with dried ca-ca and covered in toothpaste spatter? Wow. You actually stared at that and brushed your teeth? Just no.

Ok, then I feel you're getting my point now. So please, just stop all that. We don't want these experiences either.

Trust me.

We all, every housecleaner with dignity would like to thank you!!

All across the globe. For stopping that.

Thank you!!

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We all love them, have them or think they're cute. But if you have one of those "asshole" animals why do you force us to deal with them, while cleaning?

Do you clean your house while your dog chews on the cords, pulls your pants down, or nips your ass? No, you put them outside. So why, do we as servants have to put up with it?

I do not want to be on my hands and knees wiping a lamp base and look over to my left dead ass eye to eye with a strange dog I do not know, on their level, in their domain. Terrifying.

Solution: Take them for a walk while I clean. Kennel. Groomer. Grandma. Car ride. Ta-da!

Let's be real - animals in their own space do not want some foreign lady who smells like her own weird animals, coming into their territory. Especially to make noise, use obnoxious smelling chemicals, move things around, and vacuum. I'm Hitler to them, with treats in my pocket.

Animals like their stink. Me cleaning it is annoying to them. I am a stranger. This all adds up to some odd situations. Believe me.

Some animals are great. But most, are not with strangers.

And if you are the one who owned chickens and allowed them free reign of house and property. Shame on you. You misinterpreted "free range" and the concept. Completely. Just saying.

That was just wrong. No one should have to clean chicken poop off of a kitchen floor. You prepare your food there. Ecoli? Samonella? ..... What on Earth were you thinking? And the chicken doggy door beside the chicken doggy beds. Too much. Was just too much.

If your dog hates when you vacuum what makes you think they will appreciate a stranger doing it?

This is how I ruined a 300-dollar Dyson vacuum that was two weeks out of the box. She thought her big-ass boxer would be fine. No, he wasn't. He went 3 rounds with the vacuum ripping it out of my hands without much of a fight (he weighed like 100 lbs) and using the rubber ball thing as a chew toy. With us screaming "STOP" at him the whole time. To no avail.

Or the chihuahua pack the older lady had, that waited for me to go and unplug the vacuum while I switched rooms. They peed on it, and all four dogs together- peed on it, simultaneously. It was planned. I couldn't believe it. So when I go and tell the lady what had happened she said, "well don't leave it unattended".

Well, that's one way, another would be you kennel them while I vacuum or take them to pee, outside. But hey, what do I know?

The one cat that loved the vacuum, and sat on the front of it while I vacuumed. Now that was adorable. For the first five minutes. Then slowed me down every single time I cleaned her place.

Or the Italian Greyhound that was smart enough to know if he unplugged it would shut up. So every time I am in a groove and almost done he bites it and pulls it out of the socket. Super cute, the first five times. After that, no. And, ungodly unsafe too.

Think about this have you ever tried to dust a cat lady's house?

Let's just think that through. As I wipe, anything, they think I am playing "keep away". Scratch.

I use the feather duster, not even going to finish the sentence. Because we all know that didn't work out well. Although she didn't make me pay for the broken vase, I did clean up the mess though. She also let me off the hook on the blinds too, considering she had fourteen cats.

Glad you asked. I've made a lot of good money on animals and their owners taking a "hard pass that to the housecleaner" pass. So thanks. But, it's gross. And you are irresponsible. You should clean up after your animal. Always. I do.

Even if you pay a housecleaner. Self-respect, dignity. Seriously. Moving on.

Now there have been some situations where I haven't said a word or asked for a penny more. But those are typically a client who has had surgery or is injured and their animal's needs didn't time properly with their mobility. Forgiven. Not a problem.

But, the dog poop that was wedged underneath your floor trim separator, and was stinking up the whole house. Because you confined your dog for nine hours a day, five days a week to a kitchen behind grates, and refuse to properly clean the soiling. Rather getting it wet and pushing it around is ungodly. So that it is hard stuck in the grooves it needs to be removed with a scraper and shop vac'd, was so atrocious. You know you are wrong. Get a pet sitter, or don't own a pet.

The Pomeranian house, ahh yes. Owning high-class expensive dogs does not exclude you from these rules. In fact, your standards should be higher. But rather, you allowed four show dogs to use your house, every room, every corner, every tile, every rug, everywhere as a bathroom. You then vacuumed the poop, smearing it on every surface, and proceeded to call me. Please do not wonder why you were charged $225 for your monthly clean, and yes that is why I never came back. You are gross, lazy and that is wrong to do to them, me, and yourself.

So all-in-all if you own pets, don't balk when your housecleaner has a pet fee for pet-friendly homes. We deserve it. And keep in mind we're people too and we can leave sooner if your animal isn't slowing us down with their iconic reactions to our presence.

One, not our business. Absolutely agree with you.

So stop telling us, if you don't want us to have an opinion when you ask us - as we clean, "what do you think ..........?".

Anyone, who has cleaned for a while for someone knows that you get close. They tell you all about, everything. But, this can be tricky. Very very thin ice to skate when in this pickle.

Why? Ha, because you can lose a client with one wrong sentence. Gone.

"I don't know, he just seems so boring. Do you think he is boring?", I said "a bit, but we all are in ways. That's normal".

I never cleaned for her again after that day, was with her for 8 months, I met her family and all. We stayed Facebook friends. I saw they got married, and then divorced. Now she's with some biker guy. And posts about having an adventurous life. Again, what do I know?

So having an opinion. Dangerous.

If you happen to be eating dinner out and glance around noticing one of your client's husbands is out with another woman - Now when she asks you, that's your moral dilemma but me personally. You asked, I'm telling the truth. You don't ask, I'm not ruining your life. Not my place. Will I attempt to drop subtle hints such as: "Are you in an open marriage?", or "It's nice you allow him to have female friends so close". Yeah, because life rule: chicks before dicks.

Or when you're cleaning and she says she is going to the garage with the handyman and you can clearly hear them having sex. Twenty minutes after she told you how amazing her Doctor husband is and was at a Children's hospital in Detroit that was short-staffed helping sick kids. Wow! Yeah, then comes inside sweaty, clearly with fresh sex hair, and pretends nothing happened. Then nothing happened. I never went back, because I never wanted to meet him.

Again, not our business. But bet your tush you'll get dragged in one way or another after you've been there for a while with the family.

The answer is "Omg, that's awful", "stay strong", "let me know what I can do to help you with that", "hang in there", or even "do you have more Windex" and remove yourself from the conversation with some 'I need to clean ... excuse', immediately. The answer is, no.

If you've cleaned for a family for a year, and they allow their daughter to move home. You're cleaning and find drug syringes and a burnt spoon. The answer is to mind your business. I went and asked the mom if she could come downstairs and look at something. Showed her, and she put it all away as if she knew and was fine with it. I finished cleaning, and she paid me. When I went to go back for her clean two weeks later she canceled the night before on a cheap excuse. Some people don't want to face demons. Neither do they want you to know about the secrets.

If you're cleaning for a family, then their auntie hires you, then you start working for their grandmother, and now a sister. Chances are you will learn every dust particle of drama this family has, again, mind your business. Do NOT gossip, or say well Auntie says.. nope. That is you cutting your own throat and getting fired soon, from the entire family. Good luck with that one.

You are a housecleaner, easily replaceable with some Craigslist twit looking for easy money.

Remember that prior to opening your mouth.

Let's not complicate that further.

If you want something extra done, tip. If you don't want to do it, what makes you think I want to? That's exactly why I charge for my services. If you jerk me around on payment do not be surprised when I sit at the end of your driveway blocking you in until you pay. You're lucky I don't Vegas-style Tonja Harding you. Don't play around and use or steal from hard-working people. There is a special place in hell for people like that. In my opinion.

You pay, and I clean. Leave that alone.

We do appreciate the effort, really we do. Although, in order for us to do our job properly we need to clean it anyway. All we need you to do is clean up the clutter, empty the dishwasher, and put clothes away. Simplify what we work around so we can clean all the surfaces thoroughly as well as use our time wisely.

It slows us down to have to move every knick-knack so keep that in mind as well.

We do appreciate the facilities wiped from any facility fresh yuck. And just know we appreciate you as a client so much more, for trying.

But honestly, tidying up is all we need if they're professional cleaners and let us just do our job.

Realizing that your issues are not a state of emergency or a factor in others people's lives should be clearly established from the get-go. Just because you have the capacity to want to scrub the sink eleven times does not make it cleaner nor less clean if I do it just once, the right way.

Seriously. I apologize for your condition but again this needs to be said - This does entitle you to be a dictator or a dick. To anyone.

Get some help. Accept the help. Or...

Just clean it yourself and save some poor human your berating verbal torture. Thank you!

I have several points to make on this one small section of a subject.

1. A housecleaner is NOT a short code for call girl, hooker, prostitution, etc. Period.

MOST of us are professionals and do not appreciate your advances as we have husbands and children.

Also, if you manage to sleep with your housecleaner do not expect more, for less. That's crass. And gross.

2. Why? Why do you have to live in essential filth and ask for a discount?

The answer is no. Why? Because you're gross. Bachelor cleans are in effect the worst clean we have on our schedules. You refuse to clean up after yourselves or even rinse a dish.

No, you can not have a discount.

3. Coyote Uglies - someone you bring home the night before completely intoxicated, wake up to, and would rather chew your arm off than wake that person up and interact.

If you leave your coyote ugly, your house cleaner shows up and has to explain to him/her that 'you're just not that into them'. Then you leave a tip.

Being a wingman is not a required ability to be a house cleaner. That's gratuity. And no one likes hurting someone else because you're a chicken shit. Handle your own business.

4. Again, just in case you missed it - put AWAY your sex toys!! Period.

Don't be gross. Also, we don't care if you got laid, at all. And change your sheets. That's polite and hygienic.

5. Flirting - the general rule, is don't.

You hired us to do a job, keep it professional. They're plenty of fish in the sea, you don't need to source your help for sexual gratification. Trust me.

Think about that - you bring someone into your intimate space and then screw them around! Not a great idea. Lots of women would retaliate or be crazy. Save yourself that drama.

6. . It saves us time to handle the holds of other crap you need us to clean.

Seriously. Who doesn't rinse their dishes? What are you three? C'mon.

I'm going to do you a favor. When you get married she will break you of this as fast as possible anyway.

So, start now.

7. I am a house cleaner. Not a dog walker, groomer, pooper scooper, or dog sitter. You can easily access google and find those professionals available.

It is not my fault you have to work. So do I. And if you need me to let them out or stop by regularly to help you let them out. That again is a gratuity. Pay for that.

Do not expect to double me up and pay me the same. Nope.

Also, please make sure your animal is properly taken care of, and do not expect me to clean piles of poop, for free. That's just wrong to do.

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