Welcome back!

Previously on HPM:

Jayden knocked on the entrance door thrice and waited.

The ride with Lara had been so quiet that even a cemetery guard would question their liveliness. He had dropped her at her mother's before stopping by his friend, Miranda's place.

He was just about to knock for the third time when suddenly the door flew open, his knock nearly landing on the girl's forehead but Ariana was a quick one as she ducked just in time.

---------------------------

"Whoa whoa whoa," the petite brown-eyed girl with beautiful brown hair began, "Dude you nearly knocked me out."

"I'm sorry," Jayden apologized, his dark blue eyes scrutinizing the young girl who had an uncanny resemblance to his friend, Miranda.

Just then, another voice boomed from the living area, "Jayden!" The short middle-aged woman's dark brown eyes widened when she had laid them on the young man at the door, "What a pleasant surprise!" she beamed.

Jayden smiled, "I'm sorry for not informing you before stopping by. Do you have a minute?"

"Yes, yes. Do come in." She told her daughter, "Ariana, let him enter."

"Mum, how d'you know him?" she asked, taking in the toe-curling appearance of the young man before her who had nearly knocked her out.

Miranda noticed the way Jayden's thick eyebrows had risen in surprise when Ariana had referred to her as 'Mum'.

"I see you've met my other daughter," Miranda smiled, "Jayden, Ariana, my second daughter. Ariana, Jayden," she introduced them.

"Jayden who?" Ariana began to ask but her mother had already begun leading Jayden away from the door saying,

"This way."

"How've you been? How's everything?" she asked while offering him a seat in her office, "Would you like a glass of water or some coffee?"

"I'm good, thanks," he assured Miranda, who had been a part of the few batches of counsellors that had been assigned to him by the law enforcement during and after the court issue.

She smiled empathetically for a few seconds then walked a couple of feet away to occupy the sofa opposite him.

"Tell me what's wrong, Jayden. You're smiling but your eyes never lie. You're sad."

Jayden lopsidedly grinned and relaxed on the sofa. He glanced around the moderately furnished room while trying to form the right words to begin his conversation.

"I-I just want to talk to you about something. It won't take long, I promise. I know you're a very busy woman."

"I have a session at three pm and it's nine fifteen am right now so we've got a generous amount of hours to talk," she smiled warmly.

Jayden nodded. He hesitated, leaned forward, absentmindedly stared at a vase on a glass table fifteen inches away from him, then relaxed in his seat once more with a sigh.

"Take your time," she advised.

***

Emma gently brushed her medium-length dark brown hair over her bathrobe as she gazed into her brown eyes through the mirror. She remembered the night she had shockingly kissed Lara months ago, eventually providing a clue of her sexuality to Lara.

Lara had still been the only person who knew of her sexuality. There was no way her twin sister could know.

She would never let it out.

Ever since that sleepover night Lara had found out, Emma had bottled it all in and had hidden her sexuality very well.

If Ella found out that she wasn't straight, all hell would break loose.

Ella had never shown it in public but whenever they were alone and the subject of non-straight people arose, she would express her passionate dislike for them.

She called them abnormal and couldn't fathom why they would think it okay to be attracted to people of the same sex.

Perceptions like that pushed Emma into a vortex of loneliness and low self-esteem as she had begun to question her normality for generating better connections with people of the same gender.

"Emma?" Emma swiftly turned away from the dressing mirror at the sound of the voice from her room door,

"Lara?" she laid eyes on the dark-haired girl who had a medium-sized bag under her arm, "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Jayden at his lakehouse?"

"Stuff happened," Lara sighed as she shuffled into the room and sat down on Emma's bed with a huff, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

Emma noticed the distress in Lara's striking facial features. She asked, "But, are you okay?"

Lara nodded in affirmation.

Silence bestowed upon them as Lara found herself lost in thought, the memories of the previous night washing over her like a strong wave colliding with the unexpecting sand particles of the shore.

In just a few hours, everything had turned upside down and it was beyond her understanding.

Emma allowed the silence to hang in as a memory flashed through her mind. It was from the sleepover months ago, when Lara had been defending her against Katy;

"Dana asked Emma what her saddest experience was during Spring and Emma said it was when she lost her dog. Her dog was hit by a car just a few months back. Emma had spent close to three years with that dog which had been given to her by her best friend who passed away three years ago. That dog was the only living, breathing thing that reminded her of her best friend and the bond they had shared."

Emma spoke, "Do you remember the best friend I spoke of during the sleepover?"

Lara's attention was drawn away from her thoughts as she now fixed them on Emma at the dressing table,"Yes, I do. Why?"

"You remind me of her."

"I do?"

"Yeah," Emma got up from the chair and approached Lara. She sat beside her and continued, "You even look like her. Your expressions, your smile, and your worried look," Emma chuckled, "Just like her."

"Wow," Lara chuckled nervously, "What's her name?"

"Leah."

"That's such a lovely name. I'm really sorry she's not here anymore."

Emma glanced at her joined fingers, "I've learned to live with it, even though it's hard not to think about what life could have been if she was here. She would have turned twenty one tomorrow."

Lara placed a hand on Emma's shoulder, "I'm so sorry, Em."

"It's okay," Emma assured.

After a while, she told Lara, "I don't think I told you but, it was through her that I found out I wasn't straight."

"Ohhh," Lara nodded, prompting Emma to go on, which she did,

"She wasn't just my best friend, as Ella and my entire family believed. She was my girlfriend. But we had to hide it..."

"How I wish this-" Lara had begun to say but got interrupted by Dana's loudness,

"Is that Lara?" Dana pushed the door open and had her assumptions confirmed.

"Lara, you're back!" she rushed to embrace Lara in a tight hug, "Dios mio, I missed you."

Lara hugged her back,"I missed you too. I have so much to tell you."

"Yeah!" Dana expressed concern as she occupied the empty space on the bed beside Lara, "But wait, it's only been a day and it felt like weeks. Why are you back so soon? What happened?"

***

"Someone I love..." Jayden began, "Someone I love, she," he paused, rubbing his forehead, "She knew something I didn't know about my father, and I found out through a text message. We had a misunderstanding which led to an argument where she literally brought up my past, claiming I had no right to be mad at my father because I had done worse in terms of the mistakes I've made."

Miranda remained silent, giving him the entire floor to speak.

"Her entire behaviour and the turn of events took me by surprise. She managed to turn tables to put me on the plank for my-" he paused, "my past, while I am still dealing with the news about my father and the fact that she knew all along."

"Why do you think she kept your father's situation from you?"

"She said it wasn't her truth to tell. But, it's not like my father would ever walk up to me and tell it to my face."

She courteously crossed her leg over the other, "What did you two argue about?"

"A lot," he sighed, "It transgressed from why she kept the news from me to how my sins were worse."

"What did she say?"

Jayden paused, delving deeper into the aching memory, "First, she said I had committed crimes which were justified so I shouldn't behave like a saint. And that really put me off because she knows everything about me. She knows that they weren't justified. She knows that while I told her about my past, I never, for a second, blamed my actions on my childhood incident. If there's anything I learned from Dr Anna,"

Dr Anna had been the life-saving therapist Mr Benson had flown in from Italy after the previous one had not been of much help. It had been through Dr Anna that teenage Jayden had picked himself up to the station.

Jayden continued, "It is, you're responsible for your own actions. There might be influencers but the decision is on you. You either give in to the influence or you don't. And it's not the influence's fault if you decide to give into it. It is on you."

"Dr Anna's amazing," Miranda commended based on her personal encounters with the young doctor.

"How long have you known her, the lady you love. Miss...?"

"Lara. Several months now. We were physical from the beginning but I wanted something deeper. We even dedicated a month to developing our emotional connection."

The woman asked, "So, she is your girlfriend?"

"Yes," he answered.

Suddenly, like a ticking time bomb, the realization hit him.

Lara wasn't his girlfriend anymore. They were over.

"No- she... we broke up," he mumbled, rubbing his face.

"Did the misunderstanding have anything to do with it?"

"It had everything to do with it."

She sighed sympathetically. The sadness in his voice manifested in his facial expressions.

"Everything was fine. Everything was great. I knew she was the one. All of a sudden..." he trailed off.

"Where did you meet Lara?"

"My house after graduating. She works for my mother."

"What work?"

"Actually, she's like my personal lady..."

"Mrs Benson is aware of your relationship?"

Jayden shook his head. "No, not yet."

Then he muttered to himself, "What do you mean, 'not yet'? There's no relationship to disclose now."

He went on, "My father knew. He found us in a pretty lengthy embrace and I had to let him in on it. He was concerned at first."

"What was he concerned about?"

"About the fact that she was my maid. You know..."

Florence. Kira. His previous personal maids.

Jayden went on, "He didn't want another story with a personal maid. He also feared she would break my heart. But I assured him that Lara was different."

So much for everything.

Miranda was silent for a while, before inquiring, "What drew you to Lara?"

Slowly rubbing his face and raking his tresses with a hand, he confessed, "She's gorgeous. The first time I saw her- I saw her from behind- Her legs..."

"Was she in her uniform?"

"No, it was late. She was wearing a nightdress."

"When did you first see her in the uniform?"

Jayden remained silent and relaxed in his seat. He knew exactly where she was going, especially since her sympathetic smile gave it away.

He murmured, "The uniform had nothing to do with it."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I was attracted to her the first time I saw her while she was in a nightdress."

She repeated her question, "When did you first see her in the uniform?"

He remained silent and directed his gaze to the window behind her. Miranda took note of his implacable demeanour but before she could explain herself, he spoke,

"It was the morning after that. Breakfast with the family with two friends and my mother officially introduced us. Lara went up to my room to clean, and I went there fifteen minutes later to get my phone. I was heading out with my friends. When I got there..." he paused, joining his hands,

"When I got there, she was sitting on my bed, and she was holding condoms she found in my things."

Miranda nodded and he went on,

"The whole scene was arousing..." he trailed off.

She stated, "Your attraction towards her heightened-"

"And it's not because of the damn uniform," he cut in, "If that's the case, then I would be attracted to every girl in that house, but I'm not."

"They are not your 'personal maid'," she air-quoted.

"The only difference is the word, personal-"

"Which attributes to dominance and clear possession. Direct claim to the person."

Jayden slumped in the chair with his hand on his shut-eyed face.

"Listen, Jayden, I'm only trying to decipher the situation."

He shook his head, "No. Honestly, no. The uniform is far from my most problematic situations. I don't even know why it's a topic of discussion. D'you know what it felt like for me last night?"

"What happened last night?" Miranda asked and Jayden realized he hadn't told her when it had all happened.

"The misunderstanding. My mother's hospital news. My father's...news," he couldn't reveal the content of his father's news to her, "The break-up. All of this happened last night in the span of six hours. Six hours. I don't have that freaking kind of energy to absorb life this way."

Miranda stayed silent to allow him express himself and his thoughts.

He was also silent for about thirty seconds before muttering, "I felt like shit. I feel like shit. When I experience sad and painful moments, I don't know who to tell or if I even have the right to complain. Do I?" he looked at Miranda.

He went on, "Lara said my crime was justified, meanwhile, it wasn't. She went on to say that I cannot pay for a crime like mine. Then I asked if she wanted me to turn back time, get the same pain inflicted on myself or kill myself? Which would be enough for her? She also implied that I, of all people, had no right to have an opinion on another's crime."

Miranda stared attentively at Jayden who couldn't maintain eye contact due to his emotional anxiety.

"I feel like when I-" he paused, deep blue eyes fixed on a distant wall to Miranda's right, "I don't think I deserve any happiness. I feel like I'll suffer throughout the rest of my life."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I can't remember my childhood without having those memories surfacing. I can't remember my teenagehood without Kira's memory surfacing. And I can't live my adulthood without constantly being judged for my teenagehood. I'm sure when I reach parenthood and want to provide the best childhood to my child because I never had one, someone's going to tarnish my image to my child."

"Negativity in your mind will result in more unhappiness-"

"No, you don't understand," Jayden said, "For instance, with Lara, during our month of celibacy, we told each other everything about ourselves. I told her every single thing about the past I wish didn't happen. It was emotionally tough for me because it made me revisit those times,"

His head hung low, "When she noticed any hesitation, she would squeeze my hand. She didn't judge me. She made it clear that my past was my past and that I didn't live there anymore. That she knew I had learnt from my mistakes. She knew I had changed; If not anything, the fact that we were able to accomplish our celibacy goal. The fact that even when we were physical, I never forced her for anything."

Miranda nodded, allowing him to continue,

"I exposed my weaknesses to her and willingly placed my heart in her hands because I love and trusted her. But she used it against me."

A portion of their argument replayed in his mind;

"So it gives him the right to cheat?" He queried.

Lara spat, "Did your past give you the right to- t-," she stammered, "to hurt Kira!"

He exasperated, "I don't understand. When my childhood comes to mind or is mentioned, suddenly I'm justifying what I did to Kira. Don't I have the right to talk about my childhood anymore, without it being perceived as a justification for my latter actions? Suddenly the victim plaster is gone from my forehead and is replaced with abuser," he nodded in affirmation, then informed,

"What they don't understand is that my latter actions do not suddenly erase the actuality and existence of my own victim story. It does not miraculously erase my childhood memory. In fact, I end up dealing with my own childhood assault and the memory of hurting my saviour, and trying my best not to link the two situations because then it only looks like I'm justifying."

Miranda got up to get a glass of water for Jayden because he sure looked as though he needed one as sweat beads began to pool around his forehead.

She handed him the glass and he accepted it with a nod, drank half of it and placed the glass on the table beside his sofa.

"What I did to Kira, I took full responsibility at court. Kira, my parents, and my therapist are the ones who made mention of my childhood experiences. I didn't ask them to. I didn't put the blame on anyone but myself."

He paused. "I paid for my crime whilst dealing with my own assault so no, I did not have the past filled with rainbows and sunshine."

Miranda watched him hurriedly gulp down the rest of the water like he had just ran a marathon.

He went on after placing the glass on the table, "Isn't it ironic how the one person who always, unconditionally, makes me feel worthy of finding happiness is Kira herself? Kira. Why is it her? Why isn't it Lara?"

Miranda asked, "Is there anything you want to tell Lara?" she wanted him to let everything out.

He spoke, "I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. But I know that if I had the chance..." he murmured, "I wouldn't."

He tore his gaze from Miranda's which had felt like Lara's for a few seconds as his eyes began to redden, "If you find it necessary to judge me by my past, don't be surprised when I find it necessary to put you there. But honestly,"

He returned his reddened gaze to Miranda's, "If, even Lara's judging me, who the hell can I trust? With this, who can I trust? I just..." he looked away, "I just love her so much it hurts I'm getting this from her," his voice nearly broke.

He got up from his seat and slowly approached the peach wall to his left. Then he placed his head on his crossed arms on the wall.

Miranda was silent. Jayden was more broken than she had thought when she had seen him at her door. He obviously needed a moment.

In a murmur, he made known, "I feel worthless of trying to find happiness. Dead inside. Judged. I feel, me."

He changed positions so he now had his back towards the wall as he stared into nothingness. "Feeling like myself. I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just stress and sadness. I don't want someone who sees just the good in me. I want someone who knows the bad as well, and still loves me. I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel."

"Jayden," Miranda finally spoke, though softly, "Your value does not decrease by someone's inability to see your worth. You are not worthless. You aren't useless. Don't ever think you are."

"I agree. I'm not useless. I could be used as a bad example."

"You're not a bad example," she corrected and asked, "Jayden, will you be free tomorrow? I'd love it if you came with Lara."